This one's for the old school old school. You know the babies mama's mama's mama.

"Fucked your bitch and clique you claim" 2pac.

Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.

Nathalie Portman Rap
Uploaded by kinosam

Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.

And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).

I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.



The Two Coreys countdown-12 days

*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.