If memory serves me right Chairman Kaga style it's time to discuss the finest songs of ze early and summer part of 07. So it's time to be catching up, fools, especially cuz my list is often strangely different than most. Get a downloadin.(With full commentary, cuz I'm busy watching Pink Lady and Jeff the finest variety show of all time.)
No specific order.
Glass Candy-I Always Say Yes and Rollin Down The Hills.
If you don't have both singles by Glass Candy be very ashamed. VERY VERY ashamed. Ok not really. But, you should have them anyway. In the ever ending world that is italo style dance, Glass Candy's new shit is certainly standing other heavy hitters of the decade(say Metro Area and Juan Maclean). Both are dark oozing madness that is better for the after party, the bedroom, or perhaps the dancer who's feeling to depressed to move.
And speaking of Italo.
Cloetta Paris-Broken Heart Tango and I Miss You Someone
Cloetta is already positioning herself as 2007's version of Annie. I really don't need to say more. If you don't know Annie or Cloetta for that matter, it's darker pop madness.(of course we need an album to justify this praise)
Prinzhorn Dance School-Up Up Up
THANK WHICHEVER GOD YOU WANT. A POST PUNK BAND THAT IS FROM A TOTALLY OPPOSITE SCHOOL THAN GANG OF FOUR. YES IN THE MODERN LANDSCAPE THAT REALLY DOES DESERVE ALL CAPS. Prinzhorn is more from the No Wave school of NY Post Punk(despite being from London) that gave us Lydia Lunch, DNA, and Sonic Youth(they were partially no wave, ok). Perhaps they are the post-post punk of the White Stripes, but really they are like a more exuberant, equally dark, more focused version of DNA. And with modern rockers running angular guitars into the fucking ground, it's refreshing to hear a more minimalist band.
Taken by Trees-Lost and Found
Ok so Victoria Bergmans year was made by her Peter Bjorn and John star turn, but her first tune post-Concretes is quite good. Especially cause it sounds just like Camera Obscura, which makes sense cause it was written by Tracyanne Campbell.
The Brunettes-Her Hairagami Set
New Zealand 60's indie poppers, remind me of a cuter, less swaggering Lee and Nancy at times. There's something very wistful and California about this one, I like it.
The Go Team-Doing It Right
It's the Go Team. It sounds like the Go Team. What else do you want me to say. The album is out like next week. It should be cool.
Here's where I would throw Holy Hail's Country Fair PT II on here, but I'm still not sure how I feel about Brooklyn via RI via rappers Fannypack doing southern B-52's style songs. It's a good song though. When there's an album, call me.
Bat For Lashes-What's A Girl To Do
Creepy video. Best Trip Hop song since either Goldfrapp's "Gun" or Martina Topley Bird's "Sandpaper Kisses." Anyway, it's weirdly medieval and creepy with a brilliant singer.
Uffie-Brand New Car.
Uffie had to be on here. Fuck all the haters, is what she would say to that. She's like the white Foxy Brown. Great sample. rhyme of computer and witch doctor. Typical Veronica Mars like sassiness. I'm better than you attitude=one of her best songs yet.
!!!-Must Be The Moon
Hey !!! are post punk and they are still interesting. Great, pissy aloof lyrics/delivery as always. One of the best funky riffs that is constantly being ripped by DJs. It's a can't miss. Just please no more bands from that school of post punk PLEASE. UNLESS they are gonna reform Outhud, that would be awesome.
Amanda Blank- If Diplo is the Indie P.Diddy, and Uffie is the white Foxy Brown, Amanda Blank possibly could end up being the white Missy Elliott. This song is so hot, it's absurd. Fergie wishes she could be this bitch. Shit so does Lady Sovereign.
Kanye West-Flashing Lights
Yeah it's by FAR the best hip hop tune of the year. Everything you want Kanye to do, bigger and better. Withough crap Daft Punk samples or sped up samples.
The Game-Wouldn't Get Far
2nd Best Hip Hop Tune of the year. The Game hates everyone. Oh and Kanye West sped up sample.
Justice-D.A.N.C.E.
Does this one count? or is this an 06. Well fuck it the album finally came out, and nothing tops this one's catchiness.
Simian Mobile Disco-It's The Beat
Same as previous entry.
MIA-Bamboo Banger
Um she mixed, Bollywood, the droniness of XR2, and the Modern Lovers. It's a can't miss.
Tegan and Sara-Back in your Head
Strange haunting piano, good beats, and Sara's cryptic, haunting voice, that just kills you.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Down Boy
Hey the Yeahs are back with violent intentions. And they make great EPS Boards of Canada style.(just not full albums i guess)
Bjork-Earth Intruders
here's the real lyrics/undertone of the song... "The Knife ripped off my shit, let me bitch slap you into place, and show you who did this shit first."
The Icarus Line-Gets Paid
So the Icarus Line prove themselves as the only rock band in America that seems to never take shit from anyone. Again. And now they sound more like the Warlocks. Pissed off sludgy rock and roll, it's about time.
Bonde Do Role-Bondallica
This song could be about terrible vegetable fucking, for all I know.(Since all their lyrics are dirty) But, this is prob the best new dance jam from them, now that they can't use Alice and Chains samples anymore.
Art Brut-Saint Pauli
Ah I give em pass on the new album. This song is great live, however that album still DIRELY NEEDS more Steve Albini.
Camera Obscura-Super Trouper
Leave it to CO to make an Abba song hauntingly depressing and beautiful.
Alright so there you go, do some hunting, complete the collection. Feel free and comment. Anything I missed can be on ze end of the list
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
A triumphant return to blogging...
Despite being in a good mood due to my current viewing of The Best Of The Electric Company and writing half decently today... it has come to my attention that I must address something AND actually blog for once.(Hey I've almost finished 3 new stories, that's consumed my energy.)
Today I must comment on the so-called RISE OF NERDS. Didn't you know nerds are cool again. Hollywood tells us so. It's in USA Today, it's got to be true. I mean it's like glasses, converse, and skinny white dudes with bad bowl cuts, they're so rad. And I use rad in the cool new ironic way, not in like the much more interesting 80's BMX movie way.
Just fucking stop ok. This nouvelle vague of nerd comedies totally pisses me off. All these so called indie films that are oh so quirky(started with Garden State) and big bombastic comedies with nerdy characters(I'm looking at you Superbad). For example every film has to have some character that just isn't quite right. He's not just an alcoholic. He's an astronaut with a saran wrap wallet who's a lovable eccentric. And then of course there's your shy shaggy haired hero who are as stereotypically gangly and white as 80's porn stars were Big boobed and blonde. Oh wait then there has to be an actress who is prettier than most of her contemporaries, but unconventionally so she's believably in the league of aforementioned gangly boring guy.(I have an idea lets give her glasses) Sometimes they throw in a Hillary Duff(used to be Jennifer Love Hewitt) type for them to chase unrequitedly for awhile as well.
Now for the comedy formula itself. Dick joke, Poon Joke, Erection Joke, Nerd Joke, nerd joke, sexual inadequacy joke, dick joke, strange fantasy sequence of girl, booze/drug scene, guy gets girl or total swerve he strikes out but is better for it. Did I miss anything.
I don't want to hear anymore about how Judd Apatow and that faker from Napoleon Dynamite are making nerds cool and funny. You know what that's like, it's like Limp Bizkit making a DEVO album and saying that's one great nerd rock album. A bunch of old fucking squares telling me they understand the loneliness and alienation of being of misunderstood teen or having people tell you you're crazy for thinking Wire is a great band.
But, wait it's got to be COOL. There are NERDS in it. YOU LIKE NERDS right! It's nerdxploitation is what it is. Like when more old, fucking squares decided they knew lots about black culture and thought they could make movies about "groovy, hustlin cats." You know when the whole possibility of having cool nerd characters ended? When Adam Brody character on the O.C.(a show that actually was smart for it's first season) 1. chose against smart beautiful nerd Anna Stern for buxom Hollywood type Summer Roberts and 2. woke up in season 2 and said "Whoa I woke up today and saw Death Cab on Rolling Stone and comic books in every multiplex."
Ugh it's time for them to just fucking stop. Stop with this bollicks. And STOP with Will Ferrell movies. Go watch the Riches or some Godard or perhaps some old In Living Color episodes. Or even go see the Ten, at least that's an interesting "indie" comedy. Of course none of you did, you were all too busy seeing Superbad weren't you?
And don't give me shit, oh you haven't seen it, you don't know, Superbad was wicked awesome.(cuz by seeing these films that's how you might as well be using wicked like some faux 90's member or Marky Mark's Funky Bunch). You're right I haven't seen it. Because I can hate it sheerly for the principle of the matter. For example I don't need to see the fucking new version of Halloween by "vaunted" film hack Rob Zombie to know it's total fucking crap, because of the principle of the matter. It just shouldn't have been made. It's the same thing with SB, the principle of the matter has me pissed off and frankly these films are played just like the aforementioned Limp Bizkit always fucking were. So please I fucking implore you, leave us disaffected nerd types alone, and just keep it real by making some nice frat boy pissing himself while trying lose his virginity comedy. That's all I ask.
Today I must comment on the so-called RISE OF NERDS. Didn't you know nerds are cool again. Hollywood tells us so. It's in USA Today, it's got to be true. I mean it's like glasses, converse, and skinny white dudes with bad bowl cuts, they're so rad. And I use rad in the cool new ironic way, not in like the much more interesting 80's BMX movie way.
Just fucking stop ok. This nouvelle vague of nerd comedies totally pisses me off. All these so called indie films that are oh so quirky(started with Garden State) and big bombastic comedies with nerdy characters(I'm looking at you Superbad). For example every film has to have some character that just isn't quite right. He's not just an alcoholic. He's an astronaut with a saran wrap wallet who's a lovable eccentric. And then of course there's your shy shaggy haired hero who are as stereotypically gangly and white as 80's porn stars were Big boobed and blonde. Oh wait then there has to be an actress who is prettier than most of her contemporaries, but unconventionally so she's believably in the league of aforementioned gangly boring guy.(I have an idea lets give her glasses) Sometimes they throw in a Hillary Duff(used to be Jennifer Love Hewitt) type for them to chase unrequitedly for awhile as well.
Now for the comedy formula itself. Dick joke, Poon Joke, Erection Joke, Nerd Joke, nerd joke, sexual inadequacy joke, dick joke, strange fantasy sequence of girl, booze/drug scene, guy gets girl or total swerve he strikes out but is better for it. Did I miss anything.
I don't want to hear anymore about how Judd Apatow and that faker from Napoleon Dynamite are making nerds cool and funny. You know what that's like, it's like Limp Bizkit making a DEVO album and saying that's one great nerd rock album. A bunch of old fucking squares telling me they understand the loneliness and alienation of being of misunderstood teen or having people tell you you're crazy for thinking Wire is a great band.
But, wait it's got to be COOL. There are NERDS in it. YOU LIKE NERDS right! It's nerdxploitation is what it is. Like when more old, fucking squares decided they knew lots about black culture and thought they could make movies about "groovy, hustlin cats." You know when the whole possibility of having cool nerd characters ended? When Adam Brody character on the O.C.(a show that actually was smart for it's first season) 1. chose against smart beautiful nerd Anna Stern for buxom Hollywood type Summer Roberts and 2. woke up in season 2 and said "Whoa I woke up today and saw Death Cab on Rolling Stone and comic books in every multiplex."
Ugh it's time for them to just fucking stop. Stop with this bollicks. And STOP with Will Ferrell movies. Go watch the Riches or some Godard or perhaps some old In Living Color episodes. Or even go see the Ten, at least that's an interesting "indie" comedy. Of course none of you did, you were all too busy seeing Superbad weren't you?
And don't give me shit, oh you haven't seen it, you don't know, Superbad was wicked awesome.(cuz by seeing these films that's how you might as well be using wicked like some faux 90's member or Marky Mark's Funky Bunch). You're right I haven't seen it. Because I can hate it sheerly for the principle of the matter. For example I don't need to see the fucking new version of Halloween by "vaunted" film hack Rob Zombie to know it's total fucking crap, because of the principle of the matter. It just shouldn't have been made. It's the same thing with SB, the principle of the matter has me pissed off and frankly these films are played just like the aforementioned Limp Bizkit always fucking were. So please I fucking implore you, leave us disaffected nerd types alone, and just keep it real by making some nice frat boy pissing himself while trying lose his virginity comedy. That's all I ask.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
People are stupid. But Haim is not.
"Mcs wanna eat me, but it's ramadan" Foxy Brown
Yes I broke out something from older serious writing and you should've enjoyed it damn it, especially since I work hard as balls for you people. So before I write for about 8 hrs straight on Flash Carnage (now with bonus tracks/ I mean stories) you get one. And there will be more literary blogs, so strap in, but not today. I have to do enough of that shit today.
In a bizarre week that involved getting a kiss on the cheek from a thankful bum(yes it was chick,), a strange eve at Headhunters:Tiki Bar! and far too many Isobel Campbell albums, perhaps the strangest event involved the moving of a car. Yes that's right I say that literally moving a car.
So I'm reading about an article that proclaims how Franz Beckenbauer(The Kaiser. he played defense for Bayern Munich for the soccer illterate) is the greatest defensive player ever, and I hear a bunch of spinning tires and dudes yelling. It sounds like someone is repoing a car. I'm kind of like whatever. But, then I notice out the window, that there is a car backing right toward my window. Like pretty damn close.
"Shit!" I said backing away from the wall.
So I go upstairs look out the other window and there's a group of people out in the driveway. They've blocked the driveway AND the street with a Ryder truck that is backed up to our driveway. Now let me say again, these people don't live in the immediate neighboorhood or anything(maybe one of the condos down the street or something), but certainly not in some squatters area of this fucking property. I've certainly never seen them.
The tires are squealing as is this stupid broad who's contorting this car the way you hope all Romanian gymnasts can to the point where the car is diagonal across the whole driveway which can only mean
1. They very well might hit the house.
2. The yard is fucked.
3. They are gonna drop a gear in their shit car and get the car stuck.
So I go outside and they are like "Whoa! Hey we didn't know anyone was home. We knocked."
"What the fuck are you doing here" I yell.
"We're tryna to move this car into this truck. You wanna watch the freak show."
"It is fucking freak show, you almost hit my fucking wall. You hit the wall with this shit foundation, you might knock the fucking house down. This is bullshit." (Yes that almost has happened before, and is why there is no awning over the driveway, thank you very much Brini Lumber Company)
It was at this point I was about to go yell at an imaginary person in the house to "Liberate a gun," but I thought against it. However, some more cursing and yelling always fits the bill.
"Listen you guys got to get the fuck out of here, I don't wanna hear it."
"We're not gonna hit anything dude, we promise. If so we'll pay for it. says dude (They must have such a grandiose cash flow and are so cheap with it, that why pay for someone to just tow or move the car when you can save some of said grandiose cash flow on my
"And what if no one was home like you thought before, you paying for my shit then."
"Cmon, 5 mins, it'll be five mins." says broad.
I hate yelling at broads. I really do. And this situation was no different.
So I turn to driver dude
"Fine Git this shit done, I say. 5 fucking mins. After that fucking go. But, you hit something you're fucking screwed."
I walk back inside keeping an eye on this shit and you know what they STILL can't get the car in there. And what do they do they go across the street and try the same thing. And they STILL can't do it. Finally driveway 4, they do it 2 hrs later.
I don't even know what to say about people like this. Maybe people really are getting dumber. I don't think I would use someone elses house to move my shit car or boat or whatever. It's just dumb and inconsiderate. People are stupid. That's my contention.
Oh, Bourne Ultimatum was one of the better "dudes walking around talking in hushed tones" films I've seen. But, I'm sick of the Paul Greengrass school of filmmaking. Basically in requires a hand held camera that makes the camera work of druken, blonde party girls look like Christopher Doyle.(he's the DP of Wong Kar Wai's films. Go see some of them.) Damon is solid, as is the story, but that whole Julia Stiles(still looking the spitting image The Insider's fav porn star-Sasha Grey) trying to be Franka Potente lite, which just DOES NOT work. Anyway, it's good. A dash overrated, but good.
Alright so I owe Two Coreys. 4 Episodes Worth!
So Haim is broke and an actor and of course who's going to give him a place to stay-Corey Feldman! Of course, Feldman's wife is a big racked wanna be actress who's training her nips off trying to stay with them.(And trying her best Cheryl Hines/Curb Your Enthusiasm annoyed impression. In fact she should totally say "Haim!" the way Hines says "Larry!" so well, then she would be indispensable.) So in episode 1, Haim plays unruly house guest. He smokes, he's a slob, he talks shit to everyone. He hits on their important house guest(a red haired Isla Fisher look alike/Peta member.) Anyway, I'd say more, but for a "scripted reality" show, it seems faker than an actual "scripted sitcom." The highlight easily comes when Haim is trying to convince the Peta girl into the hottub and finding out she has a boyfriend, only to try and get her boyfriend to cook him(Haim) dinner.
Ep 2 isn't bad. It's the Lost Boys reunion episode. And the whole episode is Haim talking about how they gotta make a sequel, they gotta make a sequel. "We can write it dude!" he says for much of his dialogue. The highlight easily comes when they discuss Feldman no showing a radio interview for his wifes photoshoot, and Haim yells something along the lines of "Bitch! You're not Corey and Corey. You're not one of us!"
Finally at the end we get the big realization by Feldman that there will be a Lost Boys 2 and Haim wasn't invited to participate. Of course they have a good scripted cry and it's funny for all the wrong reasons.
Ep 3. Corey and Corey quit smoking! Feldman's smoking again and blaming it all on Haim. So of course Feldman's hippy new age wife(I guess implants aren't against hippiedom,veganism, and natural living.) has em go to a hypnotist and a sweat lodge. Now both should be really funny, but they really aren't. If anything the hypnotist=boring. Sweat lodge=too uplifting. Haim:"You were just jealous that I got License to Drive"
Feldman:"Oh yeah says the man who was jealous over the Goonies."
Haim:"Ha you know why I didn't get Mouth in that movie. They said I wuz too good looking, kid."(Best line of the show.)
Ep 4.
It's Haim's birthday. They want a strip club party for Haim, his mom wants a Ice Rink party. Then Haim has a heart ailment and it becomes the classic 80's "Very Special Episode" of Two Coreys. The only question I have is, if he's really having heart problems(I'm talking storyline wise here) do you really think writhing Canadian strippers are the answer to a good birthday?"
Alright so the verdict. It's not that great. I'm sorry. I was prepared to say "Hey Man, Two Coreys is awesome." But, it's not. It's not even close to Dog The Bounty Hunter. Shit, when it comes to laughs it may not even be Criss Angel Mindfreak. However, I will watch it again. Why?
Because I wanna see Haim make a comeback. You can see through all his million dollar drug problem, weight gain/loss, crazy fucked health, career suicide, that this man has fucking talent. With the right project and material he could easily make that Neil Patrick Harris comeback.(where there is no reason he should be back, but somehow he just is. And then when you see what he's actually is doing, you are like Whoa! That guy actually has talent.) I hope Haim gets his money AND another shot all from this kinda boring show, because if he can make a few moments of this shit watchable he sure as hell deserves it.
I recommend:even more Isobel Campbell albums. perhaps from the Gentle Waves era.
Curb Your Enthusiasm countdown-Next Month?
Yes I broke out something from older serious writing and you should've enjoyed it damn it, especially since I work hard as balls for you people. So before I write for about 8 hrs straight on Flash Carnage (now with bonus tracks/ I mean stories) you get one. And there will be more literary blogs, so strap in, but not today. I have to do enough of that shit today.
In a bizarre week that involved getting a kiss on the cheek from a thankful bum(yes it was chick,), a strange eve at Headhunters:Tiki Bar! and far too many Isobel Campbell albums, perhaps the strangest event involved the moving of a car. Yes that's right I say that literally moving a car.
So I'm reading about an article that proclaims how Franz Beckenbauer(The Kaiser. he played defense for Bayern Munich for the soccer illterate) is the greatest defensive player ever, and I hear a bunch of spinning tires and dudes yelling. It sounds like someone is repoing a car. I'm kind of like whatever. But, then I notice out the window, that there is a car backing right toward my window. Like pretty damn close.
"Shit!" I said backing away from the wall.
So I go upstairs look out the other window and there's a group of people out in the driveway. They've blocked the driveway AND the street with a Ryder truck that is backed up to our driveway. Now let me say again, these people don't live in the immediate neighboorhood or anything(maybe one of the condos down the street or something), but certainly not in some squatters area of this fucking property. I've certainly never seen them.
The tires are squealing as is this stupid broad who's contorting this car the way you hope all Romanian gymnasts can to the point where the car is diagonal across the whole driveway which can only mean
1. They very well might hit the house.
2. The yard is fucked.
3. They are gonna drop a gear in their shit car and get the car stuck.
So I go outside and they are like "Whoa! Hey we didn't know anyone was home. We knocked."
"What the fuck are you doing here" I yell.
"We're tryna to move this car into this truck. You wanna watch the freak show."
"It is fucking freak show, you almost hit my fucking wall. You hit the wall with this shit foundation, you might knock the fucking house down. This is bullshit." (Yes that almost has happened before, and is why there is no awning over the driveway, thank you very much Brini Lumber Company)
It was at this point I was about to go yell at an imaginary person in the house to "Liberate a gun," but I thought against it. However, some more cursing and yelling always fits the bill.
"Listen you guys got to get the fuck out of here, I don't wanna hear it."
"We're not gonna hit anything dude, we promise. If so we'll pay for it. says dude (They must have such a grandiose cash flow and are so cheap with it, that why pay for someone to just tow or move the car when you can save some of said grandiose cash flow on my
"And what if no one was home like you thought before, you paying for my shit then."
"Cmon, 5 mins, it'll be five mins." says broad.
I hate yelling at broads. I really do. And this situation was no different.
So I turn to driver dude
"Fine Git this shit done, I say. 5 fucking mins. After that fucking go. But, you hit something you're fucking screwed."
I walk back inside keeping an eye on this shit and you know what they STILL can't get the car in there. And what do they do they go across the street and try the same thing. And they STILL can't do it. Finally driveway 4, they do it 2 hrs later.
I don't even know what to say about people like this. Maybe people really are getting dumber. I don't think I would use someone elses house to move my shit car or boat or whatever. It's just dumb and inconsiderate. People are stupid. That's my contention.
Oh, Bourne Ultimatum was one of the better "dudes walking around talking in hushed tones" films I've seen. But, I'm sick of the Paul Greengrass school of filmmaking. Basically in requires a hand held camera that makes the camera work of druken, blonde party girls look like Christopher Doyle.(he's the DP of Wong Kar Wai's films. Go see some of them.) Damon is solid, as is the story, but that whole Julia Stiles(still looking the spitting image The Insider's fav porn star-Sasha Grey) trying to be Franka Potente lite, which just DOES NOT work. Anyway, it's good. A dash overrated, but good.
Alright so I owe Two Coreys. 4 Episodes Worth!
So Haim is broke and an actor and of course who's going to give him a place to stay-Corey Feldman! Of course, Feldman's wife is a big racked wanna be actress who's training her nips off trying to stay with them.(And trying her best Cheryl Hines/Curb Your Enthusiasm annoyed impression. In fact she should totally say "Haim!" the way Hines says "Larry!" so well, then she would be indispensable.) So in episode 1, Haim plays unruly house guest. He smokes, he's a slob, he talks shit to everyone. He hits on their important house guest(a red haired Isla Fisher look alike/Peta member.) Anyway, I'd say more, but for a "scripted reality" show, it seems faker than an actual "scripted sitcom." The highlight easily comes when Haim is trying to convince the Peta girl into the hottub and finding out she has a boyfriend, only to try and get her boyfriend to cook him(Haim) dinner.
Ep 2 isn't bad. It's the Lost Boys reunion episode. And the whole episode is Haim talking about how they gotta make a sequel, they gotta make a sequel. "We can write it dude!" he says for much of his dialogue. The highlight easily comes when they discuss Feldman no showing a radio interview for his wifes photoshoot, and Haim yells something along the lines of "Bitch! You're not Corey and Corey. You're not one of us!"
Finally at the end we get the big realization by Feldman that there will be a Lost Boys 2 and Haim wasn't invited to participate. Of course they have a good scripted cry and it's funny for all the wrong reasons.
Ep 3. Corey and Corey quit smoking! Feldman's smoking again and blaming it all on Haim. So of course Feldman's hippy new age wife(I guess implants aren't against hippiedom,veganism, and natural living.) has em go to a hypnotist and a sweat lodge. Now both should be really funny, but they really aren't. If anything the hypnotist=boring. Sweat lodge=too uplifting. Haim:"You were just jealous that I got License to Drive"
Feldman:"Oh yeah says the man who was jealous over the Goonies."
Haim:"Ha you know why I didn't get Mouth in that movie. They said I wuz too good looking, kid."(Best line of the show.)
Ep 4.
It's Haim's birthday. They want a strip club party for Haim, his mom wants a Ice Rink party. Then Haim has a heart ailment and it becomes the classic 80's "Very Special Episode" of Two Coreys. The only question I have is, if he's really having heart problems(I'm talking storyline wise here) do you really think writhing Canadian strippers are the answer to a good birthday?"
Alright so the verdict. It's not that great. I'm sorry. I was prepared to say "Hey Man, Two Coreys is awesome." But, it's not. It's not even close to Dog The Bounty Hunter. Shit, when it comes to laughs it may not even be Criss Angel Mindfreak. However, I will watch it again. Why?
Because I wanna see Haim make a comeback. You can see through all his million dollar drug problem, weight gain/loss, crazy fucked health, career suicide, that this man has fucking talent. With the right project and material he could easily make that Neil Patrick Harris comeback.(where there is no reason he should be back, but somehow he just is. And then when you see what he's actually is doing, you are like Whoa! That guy actually has talent.) I hope Haim gets his money AND another shot all from this kinda boring show, because if he can make a few moments of this shit watchable he sure as hell deserves it.
I recommend:even more Isobel Campbell albums. perhaps from the Gentle Waves era.
Curb Your Enthusiasm countdown-Next Month?
Friday, August 03, 2007
Luck
Alright I know that you have been waiting for the Two Corey’s rant for episodes 1 and 2. And I will do them, I promise. But, you must wait as I bait and switch and do something completely different just for my own writer’s indulgence complex.
I found myself walking, baking my brain in 100-degree weather, in a futile attempt to escape. I wondered quietly in the circuits of my inner mind and aloud to the bemusement of passerbys about how bad luck seemed to have grabbed my current being. It felt as is I was foiled at every turn like the Hamburglar, perhaps Dastardly and Muttley.
So what is luck?
Some have said, “It’s where preparation meets opportunity.” Bollocks.
The Happy Mondays said, “I wrote for luck, they send me you.” Shaun Ryder may have been onto something with that total frustration/philosophical idea if he hadn’t been talking about fucking drugs the rest of the song.
Maybe luck is for all those things you can’t control or just aren’t big enough for a prayer or incantation? Like when you’re watching Match Game 73’ and Richard Dawson is on it or you’ve parlayed some absurd two-dollar trifecta into a hundred dollars at some podunk West Virginian track.
No matter which version you take, I was shit out of it. I sat down in front of some teriyaki and thought about it as I thumbed through a new Murakami book. “I can’t possibly be so out of fucking luck. Did I grab a tiki god off the beach in Hawaii? There’s got to be a voodoo curse! Does that affect luck or perhaps kept my health fucked up a month ago? Jaysis, man there just had to be a way to change my luck.”
A rabbit’s foot? Nothing says doing better in your life than hacking a long foot of a cute holiday mascot.
Lucky pennies? They seem to have found their way into piggybanks or people’s carpet, because I certainly hadn’t picked one up in forever. You know have bad luck, when you only run into heads down pennies.
Then it hit me. Four-Leaf Clover. Surely you jest, you might scoff. Now I realize it’s become one of those things that has been glommed onto every Irish related item shipped to Dollar Generals and The Sharper Image.
But, just think about it for a second. A four-leaf clover? When was the last time you really saw a four-leaf clover? I thought about modern urbanity and realized that even in city parks you might see a classic double clover or perhaps the vaunted troika clover. But a four leaf clover.
I went back through my memories to remember if I had ever seen one, just growing in the wild and finally I found one in my head. I was age four and ten blocks from where I sat in front of my vacant bowl. I was in school running and bopping around shooting blaster bursts via my hand as Han Solo. I rushed hidden through a large grove of small trees, that sprawled along a cold, stone wall destroying the evil stormtroopers that hunted me and Princess Leia played by one of my kindergarten muses.
We ran together through that cool morning past the old mansion guest house where our classes were held clear to the other side where the green patches and swaying St Augustine grass bristled sharply, almost propelling us forward even faster than before.
Now, I was an X-Wing ship and she the Millennium Falcon and we flew together to take that Death Star bastards pay. We made loud whooshing sounds interspersed with more killer bursts via our arms. Our stamina never wavered as circles were made like vultures and left weird patterns in the grass with glow in the dark Keds like bees on the mate.
Time to crash. I jumped all fours, shot from the sky, sliding into home, arms outstretched to the harsh ground. Into a patch of small greens that cushioned the tear stained fall, I suddenly smiled as I looked in front of me there was a four leaf clover. Just one. A million little plants and only one stood tall enough to deserve my gaze. Just one. I reached for it gradually with my short, squat arms, my wounds crying for Bactine. They could wait, I knew what that little, cheerful plant meant; that luck at it’s finest, would become my own. I was close to it till the whirlwind swept over me and the girl grabbed the clover I had been reaching for.
“I found a four leaf clover! I found a four leaf clover!” she yelled for everyone to hear.
Our twelve compatriots rambunctiously ran over in childlike amazement of course to see the first four-leaf clover they’d seen, and I looked at the ground in frustration. If I had known that it was going to be the last four leaf clover I would see for at least 20 years, maybe I would've gone and looked too. If I had known that this girl had just gotten all the luck she could spare for like a lifetime, I probably would've cried.
Clearing my tray, I felt sad at the memory and the realization that you just never see four leaf clovers anywhere. Maybe they’ve all been picked. Maybe it was global warming that killed them. Maybe they were all stolen during a playground romp. I really didn’t know. All I knew was my luck felt like it was at it’s worst. There had to be something to change it, man I swear.
I think I sulked down the street, hands in my pockets, nothing to say, it was all just a jumbled self-abusing pain trip that nothing could…
A lucky penny!
Holy shit!
Lincoln was winking at me. Even one dose of luck could fill the tank pretty well. My head down, I smiled towards the scorching asphalt and when I grabbed it the copper was so hot it almost burned my hand. I pressed the coin hard between my thumb and middle finger to try and seal the good luck into my body before putting it in my pocket and resuming the short stroll. I felt at least a small jolt of energy and didn’t feel restless for what felt like the first time in days.
There may be those that don’t believe in luck, but I’m sure as hell not one of em'. I’ll take anything I can get in this difficult life. Any type of peace, anything that gives me that extra little bit of fight, I fully support. And even as I’ve tried to rally against the rotten luck and actually find some good luck with all the things that truly matter to me or tried to rally I’ve yet to see any more four leaf clovers. But, by the end of that long day I had found four lucky pennies, and could at least wistfully smile at the irony and luck that was now burning a hole in my pocket.
I found myself walking, baking my brain in 100-degree weather, in a futile attempt to escape. I wondered quietly in the circuits of my inner mind and aloud to the bemusement of passerbys about how bad luck seemed to have grabbed my current being. It felt as is I was foiled at every turn like the Hamburglar, perhaps Dastardly and Muttley.
So what is luck?
Some have said, “It’s where preparation meets opportunity.” Bollocks.
The Happy Mondays said, “I wrote for luck, they send me you.” Shaun Ryder may have been onto something with that total frustration/philosophical idea if he hadn’t been talking about fucking drugs the rest of the song.
Maybe luck is for all those things you can’t control or just aren’t big enough for a prayer or incantation? Like when you’re watching Match Game 73’ and Richard Dawson is on it or you’ve parlayed some absurd two-dollar trifecta into a hundred dollars at some podunk West Virginian track.
No matter which version you take, I was shit out of it. I sat down in front of some teriyaki and thought about it as I thumbed through a new Murakami book. “I can’t possibly be so out of fucking luck. Did I grab a tiki god off the beach in Hawaii? There’s got to be a voodoo curse! Does that affect luck or perhaps kept my health fucked up a month ago? Jaysis, man there just had to be a way to change my luck.”
A rabbit’s foot? Nothing says doing better in your life than hacking a long foot of a cute holiday mascot.
Lucky pennies? They seem to have found their way into piggybanks or people’s carpet, because I certainly hadn’t picked one up in forever. You know have bad luck, when you only run into heads down pennies.
Then it hit me. Four-Leaf Clover. Surely you jest, you might scoff. Now I realize it’s become one of those things that has been glommed onto every Irish related item shipped to Dollar Generals and The Sharper Image.
But, just think about it for a second. A four-leaf clover? When was the last time you really saw a four-leaf clover? I thought about modern urbanity and realized that even in city parks you might see a classic double clover or perhaps the vaunted troika clover. But a four leaf clover.
I went back through my memories to remember if I had ever seen one, just growing in the wild and finally I found one in my head. I was age four and ten blocks from where I sat in front of my vacant bowl. I was in school running and bopping around shooting blaster bursts via my hand as Han Solo. I rushed hidden through a large grove of small trees, that sprawled along a cold, stone wall destroying the evil stormtroopers that hunted me and Princess Leia played by one of my kindergarten muses.
We ran together through that cool morning past the old mansion guest house where our classes were held clear to the other side where the green patches and swaying St Augustine grass bristled sharply, almost propelling us forward even faster than before.
Now, I was an X-Wing ship and she the Millennium Falcon and we flew together to take that Death Star bastards pay. We made loud whooshing sounds interspersed with more killer bursts via our arms. Our stamina never wavered as circles were made like vultures and left weird patterns in the grass with glow in the dark Keds like bees on the mate.
Time to crash. I jumped all fours, shot from the sky, sliding into home, arms outstretched to the harsh ground. Into a patch of small greens that cushioned the tear stained fall, I suddenly smiled as I looked in front of me there was a four leaf clover. Just one. A million little plants and only one stood tall enough to deserve my gaze. Just one. I reached for it gradually with my short, squat arms, my wounds crying for Bactine. They could wait, I knew what that little, cheerful plant meant; that luck at it’s finest, would become my own. I was close to it till the whirlwind swept over me and the girl grabbed the clover I had been reaching for.
“I found a four leaf clover! I found a four leaf clover!” she yelled for everyone to hear.
Our twelve compatriots rambunctiously ran over in childlike amazement of course to see the first four-leaf clover they’d seen, and I looked at the ground in frustration. If I had known that it was going to be the last four leaf clover I would see for at least 20 years, maybe I would've gone and looked too. If I had known that this girl had just gotten all the luck she could spare for like a lifetime, I probably would've cried.
Clearing my tray, I felt sad at the memory and the realization that you just never see four leaf clovers anywhere. Maybe they’ve all been picked. Maybe it was global warming that killed them. Maybe they were all stolen during a playground romp. I really didn’t know. All I knew was my luck felt like it was at it’s worst. There had to be something to change it, man I swear.
I think I sulked down the street, hands in my pockets, nothing to say, it was all just a jumbled self-abusing pain trip that nothing could…
A lucky penny!
Holy shit!
Lincoln was winking at me. Even one dose of luck could fill the tank pretty well. My head down, I smiled towards the scorching asphalt and when I grabbed it the copper was so hot it almost burned my hand. I pressed the coin hard between my thumb and middle finger to try and seal the good luck into my body before putting it in my pocket and resuming the short stroll. I felt at least a small jolt of energy and didn’t feel restless for what felt like the first time in days.
There may be those that don’t believe in luck, but I’m sure as hell not one of em'. I’ll take anything I can get in this difficult life. Any type of peace, anything that gives me that extra little bit of fight, I fully support. And even as I’ve tried to rally against the rotten luck and actually find some good luck with all the things that truly matter to me or tried to rally I’ve yet to see any more four leaf clovers. But, by the end of that long day I had found four lucky pennies, and could at least wistfully smile at the irony and luck that was now burning a hole in my pocket.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Here's where I review stuff, cuz I feel like it, all for your amusement.
"We're gonna groove tonight, we're gonna feel alright. Simpsons Christmas Boogie."
So we start with Tha Simpsons Movie. I liked it. It may have been unneccesary, and a cash grab. But, it was fun. A dash long and coulda just been 4 episodes, but whatever I still got some enjoyment.
Ratatouille=EXCELLENT as well. Everything about it worked. And I'm a sucker for cooking shit. I also like how modern Pixar films never play for that cheap make the movie depressing for 20 mins that cartoons did in the 80's.(i.e. American Tale.)
However, it's creepy when all the rats run at once. I can't wait for Pixar to use their talents for evil. Perhaps with the Brothers Quay directing. Ok now I ask for too much.
Now the real movie discussion begins and ends with Sunshine the latest work from Danny Boyle. I missed his last film Millions where the kid talks to the saints. But, I have seen much of his work. And you can make the argument that Sunshine is the best work he's ever done as a director.
"Blasphemy!" yells all the Trainspotting fans. Let me address this argument first. I give him credit for making an indecipharable book(I don't want a glossary in anything I read) a good movie. But, the film isn't particularly special. If you see The Acid House(also adapted from Irvine Welsh's work) it looks and feels about the same. In fact Trainspotting isn't even as good as Shallow Fucking Grave.
Anyway, Sunshine.
First. It has Rose Byrne in it! And they've tried to take away her natural beauty away(not working, but she does look tired.)she's running and screaming from stuff, which seems to be her performance the last two films.(However she is in that new new Glenn Close show about lawyers, so I bet she won't run in terror in that one.) It also has Michelle Yeoh! This was easily my favorite film of hers that didn't involve her jumping onto a moving train with a motorcycle or beating Jackie Chan down with harsh remarks and crane style kicks. Also for the ladies, Cillian Murphy mugs and broods for the camera, every inch the live action version of every Paul Pope drawing ever.(If they ever make 100% or Heavy Liquid into movies, book Cillian.)
Two. It is as stylistically interesting and brilliant visually as any movie of possibly the last year.(Ok maybe two years. Maybe three?) You should go see it on the biggest loudest screen you can. And see it with the fewest people possible, so you can feel the claustrophobia of the whole piece. Frankly I had a kissing couple(go see Who's your caddy? you fucks if you must get your rocks off in the theater instead of at home where all the real, good shit can happen) Oh and chomping /drinking people is annoying as balls when it's Tarkovsky style 5 minutes of no dialogue. I'd say you should see it at home, but frankly the big screen matters.
Ok so here's where I bash up on two things. DO NOT GO TO THE WEBSITE. IT LITERALY SPOILS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE WITH IT'S TAGLINE. Thanks for telling me essentially what happens without me asking in house ad assholes.(This was because I wanted to know why we had to wait an extra week here in Austin to see it, which was fucking garbage by the way.)
Second. I'm officially coining a new term. You saw the Sorority Boys turnaround the other week. This week it's the Danny Boyle I don't know how to write a fucking third act. I warn you that if the movie were not so stylish and interesting in the first hour, that this would have made the movie TOTAL SHIT. It is confusing, convoluted, and makes ZERO sense in the scope of the film.
I'll tell you what I've learned in all the writing I've done, If you are going to have something happen at the END, set a precedent for it happening OR have a scene explaining how the hell this could possibly happen.(They're called evil monologues look into them Boyle.) I swear this is like the 8th film this year that left me saying HOW did that happen? It's as if Hollywood script doctors have forgotten that you have to make things clear so the audience can gasp! follow the story. And It's not as if they are trying to make some obtuse Godard freak out movie where he's trying to fuck with you and make a political argument or a Tarkovsky slow moving unclear dense masterwork, it's just fucking laziness.
Anyway the movie is beautiful and fully realized on a style level, it's just confounding in a madenning way in the third act. So you should see it. Maybe you can fucking explain it to me and how it works.
A few side notes.
Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh, and Ingmar Bergman. RIP
Bergman=genius. Snyder=Brilliant interviewing style that every cable show tries to achieve but will never come close to replicate. Walsh=I def enjoyed watching you thrash the Broncos in the first Super Bowl I remember watching.
Lindsay Lohan carnage. So she took my advice and passed on the nudity. Huzzah! Too bad the film TOTALLY bombed. How sad it really might be over.(Oh well fuck it, they can always replace her with Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert, or perhaps even Hayley Duff.)
Previously on Baio did the Broads
Baio hangs out with Julie Mccullough/the nanny from growing pains who proclaims in her strong dusty Southern accent "You cheated on me so much, I had to have my first AIDS test." And then he apologizes and she's shocked.
(Ok so no one has gotten this episode for me, so I'm just going off highlights.)
Ze Episode Troika Recap
So Doc Allie asks him about his type
He's like blonde, big rack, nice body, warm, kind, no bigger than 5'6.(See that makes me a perfect wingman for Baio, cuz we have opposite types. Ballin!)
She's like, well how about I send you to some people that make scientific matches, and while he's skeptical he goes ahead and does it.
And that takes us to Baio meeting these two Russian women who have matched over 500 couples to marriage. Of course he's brought letcherous Johnny V with him and the broads tell him to fuck off.(Ok they say sit down and shut up.)
So they go over types again, and strangely Baio seems fascinated by their process.
Next up Scott goes to talk to Summer Quinn. Ok she was Jamie Powell first, but she'll always be Summer Quinn to me. I remember many the Sunday mornings at the ages of 8-10 eating danish watching her brilliant bobbed hair and anime style super deformed rack size to body proportion. sigh*
Oh wait Nicole Eggert was also Mrs. Corey Haim, I totally forgot that. That ruins it all right there.
Anyway, so Nicole tells Baio about how she ran into "Bridget" and Baio is like Who the fuck is Bridget?
And she's like you dated her, when we were on the show. She was a playmate. She was around all the time. She and I still know each other.
Baio looks confused.
Finally he's like Shit man that's the problem, I don't even remember some of them.
Next up Nicole is swinging cutely with her dog and she's like Remember how the playboy magazine was like a mail order Sears catalog and you would want one and then next thing you know they were there.
Baio:Whoa me and Bibleman totally did that
Nicole:Well this is how I guess I got so wild was seeing you guys party it up
Baio: Great Role Models We Were
Anyway, the scene was good, because they are still friends which makes me the Charles and Charge DVD owner happy.
Next up, poker game with tha hangers on.
The main point is asshole Johnny V getting some silconed up stripper to break up the game and writhe over him and Baio gets pissed off, but is nice to the stipper and gives her 200 bucks to leave.(Ah old habits die hard for poon hounds like Baio and Sheen. You just pay em to leave not for the sex.) Of course he's kinda mean
SCIENCE! Thomas Dolby style
So Johnny and Baio wait for the blind date, if she's not hot Johnny stays, if she is, he leaves immediately.
And the verdict...
Using the scientific Scott Baio school of shallowness...
The date is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY hotter than his current girlfriend. For example, his current girlfriend is like one of those burned out Beauty Queens who look one step away from a Bowling Alley Pageant. They just depress you. This new broad is an illustrator who seems nice and easily has good days ahead of her.
He spend his time finding little things about her he doesnt like, and frankly they are absurd.(Nicole had told him perfect doesnt exist. He certainly didn't listen.)
However the reasoning is much more about being totally enamoured with his girlfriend. Which he kinda admits.
Next time on Baio did the broads...
He meets his girlfriend's daughter who is 17. And she has a Southern accent! And she's breaking his balls! And she scarily looks like in a year she'll be the kinda broad Baio will pray upon!
We need a new countdown:
Um Curb Your Enthusiasm is supposed to be coming back-1 month maybe?
So we start with Tha Simpsons Movie. I liked it. It may have been unneccesary, and a cash grab. But, it was fun. A dash long and coulda just been 4 episodes, but whatever I still got some enjoyment.
Ratatouille=EXCELLENT as well. Everything about it worked. And I'm a sucker for cooking shit. I also like how modern Pixar films never play for that cheap make the movie depressing for 20 mins that cartoons did in the 80's.(i.e. American Tale.)
However, it's creepy when all the rats run at once. I can't wait for Pixar to use their talents for evil. Perhaps with the Brothers Quay directing. Ok now I ask for too much.
Now the real movie discussion begins and ends with Sunshine the latest work from Danny Boyle. I missed his last film Millions where the kid talks to the saints. But, I have seen much of his work. And you can make the argument that Sunshine is the best work he's ever done as a director.
"Blasphemy!" yells all the Trainspotting fans. Let me address this argument first. I give him credit for making an indecipharable book(I don't want a glossary in anything I read) a good movie. But, the film isn't particularly special. If you see The Acid House(also adapted from Irvine Welsh's work) it looks and feels about the same. In fact Trainspotting isn't even as good as Shallow Fucking Grave.
Anyway, Sunshine.
First. It has Rose Byrne in it! And they've tried to take away her natural beauty away(not working, but she does look tired.)she's running and screaming from stuff, which seems to be her performance the last two films.(However she is in that new new Glenn Close show about lawyers, so I bet she won't run in terror in that one.) It also has Michelle Yeoh! This was easily my favorite film of hers that didn't involve her jumping onto a moving train with a motorcycle or beating Jackie Chan down with harsh remarks and crane style kicks. Also for the ladies, Cillian Murphy mugs and broods for the camera, every inch the live action version of every Paul Pope drawing ever.(If they ever make 100% or Heavy Liquid into movies, book Cillian.)
Two. It is as stylistically interesting and brilliant visually as any movie of possibly the last year.(Ok maybe two years. Maybe three?) You should go see it on the biggest loudest screen you can. And see it with the fewest people possible, so you can feel the claustrophobia of the whole piece. Frankly I had a kissing couple(go see Who's your caddy? you fucks if you must get your rocks off in the theater instead of at home where all the real, good shit can happen) Oh and chomping /drinking people is annoying as balls when it's Tarkovsky style 5 minutes of no dialogue. I'd say you should see it at home, but frankly the big screen matters.
Ok so here's where I bash up on two things. DO NOT GO TO THE WEBSITE. IT LITERALY SPOILS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE WITH IT'S TAGLINE. Thanks for telling me essentially what happens without me asking in house ad assholes.(This was because I wanted to know why we had to wait an extra week here in Austin to see it, which was fucking garbage by the way.)
Second. I'm officially coining a new term. You saw the Sorority Boys turnaround the other week. This week it's the Danny Boyle I don't know how to write a fucking third act. I warn you that if the movie were not so stylish and interesting in the first hour, that this would have made the movie TOTAL SHIT. It is confusing, convoluted, and makes ZERO sense in the scope of the film.
I'll tell you what I've learned in all the writing I've done, If you are going to have something happen at the END, set a precedent for it happening OR have a scene explaining how the hell this could possibly happen.(They're called evil monologues look into them Boyle.) I swear this is like the 8th film this year that left me saying HOW did that happen? It's as if Hollywood script doctors have forgotten that you have to make things clear so the audience can gasp! follow the story. And It's not as if they are trying to make some obtuse Godard freak out movie where he's trying to fuck with you and make a political argument or a Tarkovsky slow moving unclear dense masterwork, it's just fucking laziness.
Anyway the movie is beautiful and fully realized on a style level, it's just confounding in a madenning way in the third act. So you should see it. Maybe you can fucking explain it to me and how it works.
A few side notes.
Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh, and Ingmar Bergman. RIP
Bergman=genius. Snyder=Brilliant interviewing style that every cable show tries to achieve but will never come close to replicate. Walsh=I def enjoyed watching you thrash the Broncos in the first Super Bowl I remember watching.
Lindsay Lohan carnage. So she took my advice and passed on the nudity. Huzzah! Too bad the film TOTALLY bombed. How sad it really might be over.(Oh well fuck it, they can always replace her with Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert, or perhaps even Hayley Duff.)
Previously on Baio did the Broads
Baio hangs out with Julie Mccullough/the nanny from growing pains who proclaims in her strong dusty Southern accent "You cheated on me so much, I had to have my first AIDS test." And then he apologizes and she's shocked.
(Ok so no one has gotten this episode for me, so I'm just going off highlights.)
Ze Episode Troika Recap
So Doc Allie asks him about his type
He's like blonde, big rack, nice body, warm, kind, no bigger than 5'6.(See that makes me a perfect wingman for Baio, cuz we have opposite types. Ballin!)
She's like, well how about I send you to some people that make scientific matches, and while he's skeptical he goes ahead and does it.
And that takes us to Baio meeting these two Russian women who have matched over 500 couples to marriage. Of course he's brought letcherous Johnny V with him and the broads tell him to fuck off.(Ok they say sit down and shut up.)
So they go over types again, and strangely Baio seems fascinated by their process.
Next up Scott goes to talk to Summer Quinn. Ok she was Jamie Powell first, but she'll always be Summer Quinn to me. I remember many the Sunday mornings at the ages of 8-10 eating danish watching her brilliant bobbed hair and anime style super deformed rack size to body proportion. sigh*
Oh wait Nicole Eggert was also Mrs. Corey Haim, I totally forgot that. That ruins it all right there.
Anyway, so Nicole tells Baio about how she ran into "Bridget" and Baio is like Who the fuck is Bridget?
And she's like you dated her, when we were on the show. She was a playmate. She was around all the time. She and I still know each other.
Baio looks confused.
Finally he's like Shit man that's the problem, I don't even remember some of them.
Next up Nicole is swinging cutely with her dog and she's like Remember how the playboy magazine was like a mail order Sears catalog and you would want one and then next thing you know they were there.
Baio:Whoa me and Bibleman totally did that
Nicole:Well this is how I guess I got so wild was seeing you guys party it up
Baio: Great Role Models We Were
Anyway, the scene was good, because they are still friends which makes me the Charles and Charge DVD owner happy.
Next up, poker game with tha hangers on.
The main point is asshole Johnny V getting some silconed up stripper to break up the game and writhe over him and Baio gets pissed off, but is nice to the stipper and gives her 200 bucks to leave.(Ah old habits die hard for poon hounds like Baio and Sheen. You just pay em to leave not for the sex.) Of course he's kinda mean
SCIENCE! Thomas Dolby style
So Johnny and Baio wait for the blind date, if she's not hot Johnny stays, if she is, he leaves immediately.
And the verdict...
Using the scientific Scott Baio school of shallowness...
The date is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY hotter than his current girlfriend. For example, his current girlfriend is like one of those burned out Beauty Queens who look one step away from a Bowling Alley Pageant. They just depress you. This new broad is an illustrator who seems nice and easily has good days ahead of her.
He spend his time finding little things about her he doesnt like, and frankly they are absurd.(Nicole had told him perfect doesnt exist. He certainly didn't listen.)
However the reasoning is much more about being totally enamoured with his girlfriend. Which he kinda admits.
Next time on Baio did the broads...
He meets his girlfriend's daughter who is 17. And she has a Southern accent! And she's breaking his balls! And she scarily looks like in a year she'll be the kinda broad Baio will pray upon!
We need a new countdown:
Um Curb Your Enthusiasm is supposed to be coming back-1 month maybe?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
PJ hits you in the face.
In honor of Callie's blog, where she showed this artist no love on her list of rockingest females.(I'm sure this was a minor oversite Cal, I have a feeling you love her already.), I'm writing one about this artist.
That't's right this one is about PJ Harvey. For all you peeps who don't know her
She's the awkwardly pretty, vicious, British chameleon who's been putting out records for about a decade or so now.(I believe she's in her late 30's now.) From Glam, to electronica, to fragile brokenness, to angry soul exposing songs, PJ has created a career reminiscent of 70's Bowie where she has moved so fast you can never catch up to what she will do next and constantly reinvented herself and the music around her.
Now I do this because it seems that as Polly Jean has gotten older, so has her fanbase, without any new youths boosting her up. Look at the myspaces of women across ze world, and who do you see as female "rock" idols in the music section? Jenny Lewis. Neko Case. Karen O. Ani Defranco. Peaches. and GASP! Ashlee Simpson.
So lets discuss some of these other "rockers."
Lets go in random order.
Peaches was good like 80 yrs ago before she ever realized she would make a second or a third album. To quote Silky Johnson on Chapelle Show "Bombed out and depleated like Afghanistan." There are only SOOO many sex songs you can do. I'm still waiting for her to do her next album with tha same bombed out 2002(last date she was actually good) low ebb electro beats and song titles like The Dirty Sanchez, I'm the Boss(Do the Tony Danza), and Chili Dogs at the State Fair. She's no PJ. You want a PJ sex song. here u go.
Karen O. is still a great singer, despite one of the more disappointing sophomore albums in recent memory. If nothing else her sin is causing far too many wannabe broads to dress like her.(think 1984 Madonna.) I'll give her another chance, but even then she will never record something as great as icy and mean as this no matter how hard she's been trying.
Neko Case. Great Singer. Hot. But, lets face it there is no danger in her songs. No adventure. What REALLY seperates Neko from Rosanna Cash, Aimee Mann, or even Shawn Colvin? Not that much. She's better than them, but she's also not PJ. You wanna see a soulful bluesy singer, see it here.
Ashlee Simpson=Hot. Good TV actress. Does that equal singer or rock star. I'm sorry it doesnt. Never be close to PJ. So no need for a video.
Jenny Lewis. Listen, I'm arguably the biggest J.Lew mark this side of California, considering I've seen the Wizard like 20 times. And her tunes are cutesy in that folksy Americana way you have to appreciate. But, PJ will stomp her back into modern fucking times all over her with leather boots.
Ani Defranco is and I quote "the anti-christ." She makes Good Charlotte and Bright Eyes look like Jesus and Moses respectively. Ani Here's what really pisses me off. She and PJ are like the same age, yet girls my age and younger still are finding out about her. Why? It seems as if most broads who say PJ is great are like 30 something now, yet teen broads still love that "I'm not a pretty girl" garbage. PJ isn't pretty, she just stands up and makes herself a larger than life character so you want to fuck her. And just so I don't get shit about needing a calendar by putting up only old PJ vids, here's a pretty new one that proves her ferocity seems even stronger nowadays.
The proof's in the vids. So here's your chance youths, rock out with PJ make your life better. Now if only we could get some younger peeps into some Stereolab records, we can rock out and then have a brilliant time dancing.
That't's right this one is about PJ Harvey. For all you peeps who don't know her
She's the awkwardly pretty, vicious, British chameleon who's been putting out records for about a decade or so now.(I believe she's in her late 30's now.) From Glam, to electronica, to fragile brokenness, to angry soul exposing songs, PJ has created a career reminiscent of 70's Bowie where she has moved so fast you can never catch up to what she will do next and constantly reinvented herself and the music around her.
Now I do this because it seems that as Polly Jean has gotten older, so has her fanbase, without any new youths boosting her up. Look at the myspaces of women across ze world, and who do you see as female "rock" idols in the music section? Jenny Lewis. Neko Case. Karen O. Ani Defranco. Peaches. and GASP! Ashlee Simpson.
So lets discuss some of these other "rockers."
Lets go in random order.
Peaches was good like 80 yrs ago before she ever realized she would make a second or a third album. To quote Silky Johnson on Chapelle Show "Bombed out and depleated like Afghanistan." There are only SOOO many sex songs you can do. I'm still waiting for her to do her next album with tha same bombed out 2002(last date she was actually good) low ebb electro beats and song titles like The Dirty Sanchez, I'm the Boss(Do the Tony Danza), and Chili Dogs at the State Fair. She's no PJ. You want a PJ sex song. here u go.
Karen O. is still a great singer, despite one of the more disappointing sophomore albums in recent memory. If nothing else her sin is causing far too many wannabe broads to dress like her.(think 1984 Madonna.) I'll give her another chance, but even then she will never record something as great as icy and mean as this no matter how hard she's been trying.
Neko Case. Great Singer. Hot. But, lets face it there is no danger in her songs. No adventure. What REALLY seperates Neko from Rosanna Cash, Aimee Mann, or even Shawn Colvin? Not that much. She's better than them, but she's also not PJ. You wanna see a soulful bluesy singer, see it here.
Ashlee Simpson=Hot. Good TV actress. Does that equal singer or rock star. I'm sorry it doesnt. Never be close to PJ. So no need for a video.
Jenny Lewis. Listen, I'm arguably the biggest J.Lew mark this side of California, considering I've seen the Wizard like 20 times. And her tunes are cutesy in that folksy Americana way you have to appreciate. But, PJ will stomp her back into modern fucking times all over her with leather boots.
Ani Defranco is and I quote "the anti-christ." She makes Good Charlotte and Bright Eyes look like Jesus and Moses respectively. Ani Here's what really pisses me off. She and PJ are like the same age, yet girls my age and younger still are finding out about her. Why? It seems as if most broads who say PJ is great are like 30 something now, yet teen broads still love that "I'm not a pretty girl" garbage. PJ isn't pretty, she just stands up and makes herself a larger than life character so you want to fuck her. And just so I don't get shit about needing a calendar by putting up only old PJ vids, here's a pretty new one that proves her ferocity seems even stronger nowadays.
The proof's in the vids. So here's your chance youths, rock out with PJ make your life better. Now if only we could get some younger peeps into some Stereolab records, we can rock out and then have a brilliant time dancing.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Lets all leave Lindsay Lohan alone.
"Why you showing those coochie lips, getting out ya car. Paparazzi hanging around you bitch you know you a superstar."- Spankrock
I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.
So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.
1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.
2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.
3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.
4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)
5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.
6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.
7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?
8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.
9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.
10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.
This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?
No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.
I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.
I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.
So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.
1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.
2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.
3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.
4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)
5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.
6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.
7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?
8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.
9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.
10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.
This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?
No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.
I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.
Monday, July 16, 2007
This one's for the old school old school. You know the babies mama's mama's mama.
"Fucked your bitch and clique you claim" 2pac.
Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.
Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.
And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).
I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.
The Two Coreys countdown-12 days
*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.
Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.
Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.
And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).
I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.
The Two Coreys countdown-12 days
*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Ze olde mailbag.
"It's yurflipaflagnass. It's yurflipaflagnass."- Missy Elliott
Today, I wanted to share with you some of the fascinating pieces from the old destruction company mailbag.
Here's one from a "friend" named Brian Moody who says
"Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at i@ only. I will reply with my pic."
Now come on, if the expensive bot that sends these bollocks mails wanted to use broken english and be a nice girl who wants to chat, couldn't they at least create a good Russian name like Svetlana, Ekaterina, or that hot brunette one from T.A.T.U.
Yeah some dude named Brian is really going to get me to email him when he informs me about hit niceness/hotness as a either a crossdresser or post op.
Now switching over to my myspace, I've gotten of messages from peeps and a LOT feedback.
I got this from a guy named "Will," as seen here
(I like how it not only looks like he listens to Jethro Tull, but has spent far too many weekends playing Robotron 2084.)
"hey i know this is random and all but i just had to tell everyone on my friends list about this new iphone survey i saw. check out this profile and and fill out this like 10 second survey and you can get a new iphone click here if you wanna check it out."
Thanks "Will", that's so faburific. But, it woulda been better if you had told me how you got that sweet sword.
This one's from one of our foreign readers Khorshed Upchurch
Hello, Bran de d new 2007 re au pl ei ica wat tz ches - Express w ot orldwide s pn hipp og ing available!
LIMI TED TIME OFFE pv R:
Bu qa y 2 or more wa ju tches and rec tl ieve a -25 % di fo scou bo nton your w vs hole or de der! http:/
Thank you modern world for creating a job especially for foreign methheads.
This one came from "Fallon." I officially love any broad named after a Dynasty character.
Hey there Im Fallon and I decided to message you because your profile caught my eye as someone I would like to get to know better!! I recently signed up on a new and far more provocative dating site - all you need to sign up and find me is an email to join! You can find my profile at
http://)I am under the name of sexyfallonwantstoplay. I try to stay away from using myspace because it is very restrictive and too much spam. Thanks"!
Too much spam? Myspace? No. Can't be. I like how according to spammers every broad in myspace world officially looks like this...
Yay! no get bigger penis/get girlfriend here messages this week. I guess they finally got those dirty secret paparazzi pics of me and Ashlee Simpson.
The last email is from my main man Yihang Hellender. Which is a fantastic name, I always compliment him on it when we hang out at the Beauty Bar.
Anyway, he says.
"Hello my friend! I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http:/.hk) are bad. Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong... My dog and I are still alive :)
No need for jokes on that one folks.
I was going to address that new Interpol album, but frankly it kind of confuses me, and I'm not sure whether I want to blast it or just call it ho-hum. But, I'll let you know.
I recommend: Aw shit it's the new Curb Your Enthusiasm style program starring Corey and Corey.(it's actually imaginatively called "The Two Coreys.") And they're talking about Lost Boys 2.
What Really Happens to Child Stars
Add to My Profile | More Videos
In the I'm listening section- sorry only sports talk today, while doing thangs.
Scott Baio countdown-3.5 days
Actually fuck that PSYCH SEASON 2-Today.
Today, I wanted to share with you some of the fascinating pieces from the old destruction company mailbag.
Here's one from a "friend" named Brian Moody who says
"Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at i@ only. I will reply with my pic."
Now come on, if the expensive bot that sends these bollocks mails wanted to use broken english and be a nice girl who wants to chat, couldn't they at least create a good Russian name like Svetlana, Ekaterina, or that hot brunette one from T.A.T.U.
Yeah some dude named Brian is really going to get me to email him when he informs me about hit niceness/hotness as a either a crossdresser or post op.
Now switching over to my myspace, I've gotten of messages from peeps and a LOT feedback.
I got this from a guy named "Will," as seen here
(I like how it not only looks like he listens to Jethro Tull, but has spent far too many weekends playing Robotron 2084.)
"hey i know this is random and all but i just had to tell everyone on my friends list about this new iphone survey i saw. check out this profile and and fill out this like 10 second survey and you can get a new iphone click here if you wanna check it out."
Thanks "Will", that's so faburific. But, it woulda been better if you had told me how you got that sweet sword.
This one's from one of our foreign readers Khorshed Upchurch
Hello, Bran de d new 2007 re au pl ei ica wat tz ches - Express w ot orldwide s pn hipp og ing available!
LIMI TED TIME OFFE pv R:
Bu qa y 2 or more wa ju tches and rec tl ieve a -25 % di fo scou bo nton your w vs hole or de der! http:/
Thank you modern world for creating a job especially for foreign methheads.
This one came from "Fallon." I officially love any broad named after a Dynasty character.
Hey there Im Fallon and I decided to message you because your profile caught my eye as someone I would like to get to know better!! I recently signed up on a new and far more provocative dating site - all you need to sign up and find me is an email to join! You can find my profile at
http://)I am under the name of sexyfallonwantstoplay. I try to stay away from using myspace because it is very restrictive and too much spam. Thanks"!
Too much spam? Myspace? No. Can't be. I like how according to spammers every broad in myspace world officially looks like this...
Yay! no get bigger penis/get girlfriend here messages this week. I guess they finally got those dirty secret paparazzi pics of me and Ashlee Simpson.
The last email is from my main man Yihang Hellender. Which is a fantastic name, I always compliment him on it when we hang out at the Beauty Bar.
Anyway, he says.
"Hello my friend! I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http:/.hk) are bad. Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong... My dog and I are still alive :)
No need for jokes on that one folks.
I was going to address that new Interpol album, but frankly it kind of confuses me, and I'm not sure whether I want to blast it or just call it ho-hum. But, I'll let you know.
I recommend: Aw shit it's the new Curb Your Enthusiasm style program starring Corey and Corey.(it's actually imaginatively called "The Two Coreys.") And they're talking about Lost Boys 2.
What Really Happens to Child Stars
Add to My Profile | More Videos
In the I'm listening section- sorry only sports talk today, while doing thangs.
Scott Baio countdown-3.5 days
Actually fuck that PSYCH SEASON 2-Today.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
In the assorted garbage section
"It's still 5!"- Architecture in Helsinki
In honor of the old myspace what I'm currently listening to section. For some reason I have put on Silent Shout by the Knife for the first time in awhile. And you know what it is still pretty damn good, even though Bjork officially bitchslapped them Bumblebee style with her latest album. Now if only they would show more of their vaunted stage show to the rest of the States then maybe they would have some momentum and not be forgotten in the current glut of good dance albums.
Actually fuck that, I'd take a full tour by their electronic compatriot Annie. Don't hate, you motherfuckers know you would mark out to see her do the Chewing Gum dance and do brilliant live versions of The Wedding, Me+1, and of course Heartbeat.
Hey there's a new White Stripes album...No one cares. Actually it's not bad, but why does it seem like every White Stripes song sounds like it was written while watching a Clara Bow or Louise Brooks movie? I swear I'm just waiting for Jack White to just go ahead and write a song with either the words carpetbagger, jitterbug, or perhaps war bonds just so he can tell yet another story about times that only exist on celluloid. I honestly can't name a band(ok I can name 1, I will name them later) that has such impersonal/unfeeling songs. It never seems like there is anything close to insight into his or ex wifey's life in any tune. It would be a fucking revelation to see him do a garage rock album about being rich and marrying a supermodel, at least then it would be fucking real. At least then the lyrics wouldn't be so laboured/stilted.
Next step: replacing Meg with a drum machine, The Kills-style. Please!
So I officially got racially slurred by a faux white rapper in an SUV today. Yes I was told that "As a beaner I can suck his weiner."
Now I have to admit, I was taken aback. This was the first time I had been ever slurred as a Mexican. I must say all 0% of my Latino blood was damn offended. Actually to be honest, whack ass rhyming really offends me as a black person.
Anyway I share this story of slurring, because quite frankly on the eve of the My So Called Life DVD release, i feel the need to slur someone. No I'm not targeting Clare Danes , in her strangely new blonde tannedness because if you have seen Brokedown Palace, you'll realize she's suffered enough. No I'm not attacking Ricky(um some dude whos name I dont remember), he deserves more roles than he gets. And Raylene(AJ Langer) who was always hot, gets my affection for her work on Drexel's Class.(Also with my fav Texan non Texan Brittany Murphy.) So who does that leave? That dude who played Jordan Catalano. That's right I just feel the need to slur Jared Leto. See I was at a restaurant yesterday that forced me to endure the full 30 seconds to Mars album. Not just that stupid video where they are outsider samurai in Aeon Flux boysuits in Japan. Or that 10 minute video where they ride in limos and play at a fancy dress party where no one else is lame enough to be attending. I was forced to hear the WHOLE album. Not only is it full of meaningless postering and quiet-loud dynamics that would make even the grungiest band blush, but the general whinyness of Leto(and his oh so goth mascara wearing brother) totally makes the whole thing an exercise in unbearable madness. Needless to say I felt quite sick after the meal, but then i laughed and felt better as I realized that this debacle of an album may not even be his worst/most embarrasing moment for all to see.
I'd say the words Panic Room say it all.
I recommend: This clip (credit G. Rog.)
Scott Baio countdown-4.5 days.
In honor of the old myspace what I'm currently listening to section. For some reason I have put on Silent Shout by the Knife for the first time in awhile. And you know what it is still pretty damn good, even though Bjork officially bitchslapped them Bumblebee style with her latest album. Now if only they would show more of their vaunted stage show to the rest of the States then maybe they would have some momentum and not be forgotten in the current glut of good dance albums.
Actually fuck that, I'd take a full tour by their electronic compatriot Annie. Don't hate, you motherfuckers know you would mark out to see her do the Chewing Gum dance and do brilliant live versions of The Wedding, Me+1, and of course Heartbeat.
Hey there's a new White Stripes album...No one cares. Actually it's not bad, but why does it seem like every White Stripes song sounds like it was written while watching a Clara Bow or Louise Brooks movie? I swear I'm just waiting for Jack White to just go ahead and write a song with either the words carpetbagger, jitterbug, or perhaps war bonds just so he can tell yet another story about times that only exist on celluloid. I honestly can't name a band(ok I can name 1, I will name them later) that has such impersonal/unfeeling songs. It never seems like there is anything close to insight into his or ex wifey's life in any tune. It would be a fucking revelation to see him do a garage rock album about being rich and marrying a supermodel, at least then it would be fucking real. At least then the lyrics wouldn't be so laboured/stilted.
Next step: replacing Meg with a drum machine, The Kills-style. Please!
So I officially got racially slurred by a faux white rapper in an SUV today. Yes I was told that "As a beaner I can suck his weiner."
Now I have to admit, I was taken aback. This was the first time I had been ever slurred as a Mexican. I must say all 0% of my Latino blood was damn offended. Actually to be honest, whack ass rhyming really offends me as a black person.
Anyway I share this story of slurring, because quite frankly on the eve of the My So Called Life DVD release, i feel the need to slur someone. No I'm not targeting Clare Danes , in her strangely new blonde tannedness because if you have seen Brokedown Palace, you'll realize she's suffered enough. No I'm not attacking Ricky(um some dude whos name I dont remember), he deserves more roles than he gets. And Raylene(AJ Langer) who was always hot, gets my affection for her work on Drexel's Class.(Also with my fav Texan non Texan Brittany Murphy.) So who does that leave? That dude who played Jordan Catalano. That's right I just feel the need to slur Jared Leto. See I was at a restaurant yesterday that forced me to endure the full 30 seconds to Mars album. Not just that stupid video where they are outsider samurai in Aeon Flux boysuits in Japan. Or that 10 minute video where they ride in limos and play at a fancy dress party where no one else is lame enough to be attending. I was forced to hear the WHOLE album. Not only is it full of meaningless postering and quiet-loud dynamics that would make even the grungiest band blush, but the general whinyness of Leto(and his oh so goth mascara wearing brother) totally makes the whole thing an exercise in unbearable madness. Needless to say I felt quite sick after the meal, but then i laughed and felt better as I realized that this debacle of an album may not even be his worst/most embarrasing moment for all to see.
I'd say the words Panic Room say it all.
I recommend: This clip (credit G. Rog.)
Scott Baio countdown-4.5 days.
Friday, July 06, 2007
The Trans On Cheshire Bridge Were Way More Interesting...
“Do It Good Good Good Good Good Double Double Good Double Double Good.” -Happy Mondays
So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.
And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.
I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.
Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days
So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.
And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.
I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.
Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I seriously doubt that Ice-T could die harder than Bruce Willis
Alright peeps. So the old address is active again. Say What! (The Rapture style). Frankly, I was sick of talking about old bands and old bands alone. Having a focused topic blog is boring. If you want to talk to me about old bands, I’m ready and available to do so at a bar of your choice. (As long as it’s not a boring/crap bar.) So I’m bringing the old school style of blog back. The popular form of this blog, where I discuss why this band is good. what happened on fine programs. why this movie=garbage. I’m like that cute broad from USA Today, without the Chuck Taylors and age and with more cuteness and meanness and lots of parenthesis. (That’s not a swipe at that blog; I actually like that one, ok. And no I’m not linking to it, because you’re here for my rantings.)
First things first. We need a new program to recap/discuss on occasion. Previously we had the OC and Rebelde(tha Spanish OC). So if you have any suggestions of something I should download/tape/actually watch live (gasp!) then comment or email me. And yes it can be total crap. If nothing else, it’ll probably be that Scott Baio is 45 and single show, since he does rule and all. (Perhaps I’ll wear the classic fucked up iron on Baio shirt in honor of the new program.)
For the first Vikings stand up! Award (awarded whenever necessary and sponsored by the Go! Team) Maggie Q.
She gets it because at this blog we support mixed actresses who play hot, evil bitches extremely well in films such as Live Free or Die Hard.
Now speaking of Live Free or Die Hard. I know all of you are saying I bet Ian really hated it. He’s going to tee off on it in rare fucking form. The plot was lame. The title was shit. It has that fucking “I’m a mac” guy the ladies seem to have some bizarre fascination with.
And you not what, you’re wrong. I like the movie. In fact it was awesome. Yes the title is shit, but Bruce Willis is not. In fact he probably deserves an Oscar. (Gasp!) Ok let’s not go that far. BUT, I guarantee you won’t find someone more valuable to their movie. It’s like the old sports argument, is the MVP the best player or the person most valuable to their team? And frankly Bruce Willis doesn’t deserve the Oscar per se, but I guarantee he made a potentially disasturous fucking Die Hard into something really fun and credible. Here’s why.
First reason: No one says “Dick Head” better than Bruce.(especially since the movie is PG-13 and he can’t really say fuck.)
Second reason: His dialogue while sometimes poorly written works PERFECTLY in that classic one liner/harsh diatribe/evil dude mockery way that California’s Governor perfected in the all time classic Commando.
Third reason: Die Hard has always been the revisionist version of the unkillable superman movies. This one is no different. What separates Die Hard is the fact that despite all these great feats, the main character ALWAYS ends up with nothing and a shitty life. There’s a sense of brokenness about Bruce Willis’s performance that makes his character believable, despite the action being ABSURDLY over the top. (How’s that for a film school style assessment?)
So the movie itself is fun. It’s garbage. But it’s fun. It made be too long. The action may go so OVERKILL that is almost numbs the mind, but it doesn’t matter since Bruce, “Mac” guy and Maggie Q are good.
BUT, the main bad guys should’ve had a Boris Badenov style accent to add to the campyness. And the broad from Black Xmas who played his daughter is like Jordana Brewster lite. She kept me wishing they had just put the genuine article in there. And one of those last action scenes was strangely so overkill it left me sick and wishing it wasn’t in there.
If nothing else Die Hard 07’ at least delivered, unlike such anticipated films such as lets see…hmmm… Grindhouse. It’s probably neck and neck with 28 Weeks Later for the finest kinda bullshit movie/total awesomeness of the year.
Now one more important topic. The Verve have gotten back together. In case you didn’t see that so well, I’m gonna put it in ALL CAPS. THE VERVE ARE BACK TOGETHER. Original lineup. Ashcroft, McCabe, Salisbury, Jones.(Simon Tong was not an original member and frankly he’s far to busy with Good Bad and Queen to give a toss anymore.) Tour. Album. It’s all happening. And there’s a good chance it’ll even be good since Ashcroft is arguably singing the best he has in years.(Just download Cry Till The Morning off his last album and tell me that he’s not singing at A Northern Soul level of vocaldom.) Who needs Portishead reuniting(whose new album is almost getting into G&R Chinese Democracy/Michael Jackson Invincible territory of taking forever with lots o money spent). Shit I don’t even need a Bloody Valentine reunion if I’m gettin the Verve. Ok that may be stretching. I’d rather have em both back. And while I’m at it; Can we get the good, danceable Primal Scream back? You know me, I’m like Veruca Salt when it comes to some things. “I want today, I want tomorrow…” Ok I won’t sing the whole “Give It To Me Now song.”
I just realized this blog has been gone so long Jordana Brewster is married now. Shit! Perhaps someone else will have to claim her
Ok I recommend the Simian Mobile Disco album Attack Decay Sustain Release. I know everyone is going to say Justice this and Justice that, which makes sense since they are the new Daft Punk and all. And their album has my fav new rapper, Uffie on it too. However the better dance album for those who didn’t dance their asses off to all of Simian’s singles last year, Attack Decay is by far the better more accessible album. It’s the Beat, Hustler, it’s singles like those actually put much of the Justice album to shame. Now if you’ve heard all those songs before, the album won’t surprise you, but otherwise you’ll freak out about it.(Not that it’s not good if you’ve heard those tunes) And yes u have to grab this the non pay band way since it won’t be out in the states till September. You also need to add some of the other early singles that weren’t included on the album for some weird reason.(say Duke of Casio, Piggy In, and Clik to name a few.)
And now I leave u with a new countdown
Countdown to Scott Baio is 45-----13 days
Comment now. U must or I will hunt you down.
First things first. We need a new program to recap/discuss on occasion. Previously we had the OC and Rebelde(tha Spanish OC). So if you have any suggestions of something I should download/tape/actually watch live (gasp!) then comment or email me. And yes it can be total crap. If nothing else, it’ll probably be that Scott Baio is 45 and single show, since he does rule and all. (Perhaps I’ll wear the classic fucked up iron on Baio shirt in honor of the new program.)
For the first Vikings stand up! Award (awarded whenever necessary and sponsored by the Go! Team) Maggie Q.
She gets it because at this blog we support mixed actresses who play hot, evil bitches extremely well in films such as Live Free or Die Hard.
Now speaking of Live Free or Die Hard. I know all of you are saying I bet Ian really hated it. He’s going to tee off on it in rare fucking form. The plot was lame. The title was shit. It has that fucking “I’m a mac” guy the ladies seem to have some bizarre fascination with.
And you not what, you’re wrong. I like the movie. In fact it was awesome. Yes the title is shit, but Bruce Willis is not. In fact he probably deserves an Oscar. (Gasp!) Ok let’s not go that far. BUT, I guarantee you won’t find someone more valuable to their movie. It’s like the old sports argument, is the MVP the best player or the person most valuable to their team? And frankly Bruce Willis doesn’t deserve the Oscar per se, but I guarantee he made a potentially disasturous fucking Die Hard into something really fun and credible. Here’s why.
First reason: No one says “Dick Head” better than Bruce.(especially since the movie is PG-13 and he can’t really say fuck.)
Second reason: His dialogue while sometimes poorly written works PERFECTLY in that classic one liner/harsh diatribe/evil dude mockery way that California’s Governor perfected in the all time classic Commando.
Third reason: Die Hard has always been the revisionist version of the unkillable superman movies. This one is no different. What separates Die Hard is the fact that despite all these great feats, the main character ALWAYS ends up with nothing and a shitty life. There’s a sense of brokenness about Bruce Willis’s performance that makes his character believable, despite the action being ABSURDLY over the top. (How’s that for a film school style assessment?)
So the movie itself is fun. It’s garbage. But it’s fun. It made be too long. The action may go so OVERKILL that is almost numbs the mind, but it doesn’t matter since Bruce, “Mac” guy and Maggie Q are good.
BUT, the main bad guys should’ve had a Boris Badenov style accent to add to the campyness. And the broad from Black Xmas who played his daughter is like Jordana Brewster lite. She kept me wishing they had just put the genuine article in there. And one of those last action scenes was strangely so overkill it left me sick and wishing it wasn’t in there.
If nothing else Die Hard 07’ at least delivered, unlike such anticipated films such as lets see…hmmm… Grindhouse. It’s probably neck and neck with 28 Weeks Later for the finest kinda bullshit movie/total awesomeness of the year.
Now one more important topic. The Verve have gotten back together. In case you didn’t see that so well, I’m gonna put it in ALL CAPS. THE VERVE ARE BACK TOGETHER. Original lineup. Ashcroft, McCabe, Salisbury, Jones.(Simon Tong was not an original member and frankly he’s far to busy with Good Bad and Queen to give a toss anymore.) Tour. Album. It’s all happening. And there’s a good chance it’ll even be good since Ashcroft is arguably singing the best he has in years.(Just download Cry Till The Morning off his last album and tell me that he’s not singing at A Northern Soul level of vocaldom.) Who needs Portishead reuniting(whose new album is almost getting into G&R Chinese Democracy/Michael Jackson Invincible territory of taking forever with lots o money spent). Shit I don’t even need a Bloody Valentine reunion if I’m gettin the Verve. Ok that may be stretching. I’d rather have em both back. And while I’m at it; Can we get the good, danceable Primal Scream back? You know me, I’m like Veruca Salt when it comes to some things. “I want today, I want tomorrow…” Ok I won’t sing the whole “Give It To Me Now song.”
I just realized this blog has been gone so long Jordana Brewster is married now. Shit! Perhaps someone else will have to claim her
Ok I recommend the Simian Mobile Disco album Attack Decay Sustain Release. I know everyone is going to say Justice this and Justice that, which makes sense since they are the new Daft Punk and all. And their album has my fav new rapper, Uffie on it too. However the better dance album for those who didn’t dance their asses off to all of Simian’s singles last year, Attack Decay is by far the better more accessible album. It’s the Beat, Hustler, it’s singles like those actually put much of the Justice album to shame. Now if you’ve heard all those songs before, the album won’t surprise you, but otherwise you’ll freak out about it.(Not that it’s not good if you’ve heard those tunes) And yes u have to grab this the non pay band way since it won’t be out in the states till September. You also need to add some of the other early singles that weren’t included on the album for some weird reason.(say Duke of Casio, Piggy In, and Clik to name a few.)
And now I leave u with a new countdown
Countdown to Scott Baio is 45-----13 days
Comment now. U must or I will hunt you down.
Friday, December 22, 2006
And now without further delay
The top 25 tunes of the year. download. comment. argue. agree. obey. recognize.
In random order
1. Lets Make Love And Listen To Death From Above by Cansei De Ser Sexy
Lets be clear, unlike most peeps I think the CSS album is up and down and since Alala's opening rips Boss Hog's "Ski Bunny" off abit too much for my taste, so I'm picking this one. Those are all good reasons, but the best reason is the song is unstoppable. Hipster references, check. Funky bassline, check. Cute members/video, check. Strange cheerful electronic gurgling beat, check. U get the point, the song couldn't fail, ok, it's still great, 6 months later.
2. XR2 by M.I.A
Two years in a row(you can make the argument she should be on three years in a row) M.I.A is in. Gone is the old reggaton esque beats. In with the dark minimal Egyptian Lover esque rhymes and dance beats. It is strangely hypnotic and will blow up GIGANTIC when the actual album comes out.(Unless they release one of the rumored Timbaland/MIA collaborations first.)
3. 300 Bars and Runnin by the Game
The Game hates everyone. He tells you so in the MOST GRANDIOSE hip hop song ever, a 15 minute diss track about why 50 cent and haters are shit. The song has like 20 samples, some good lines, and so much outright hate, it's deserves it's respect.
4. The Songs That We Sing by Charlotte Gainsbourg.
Wow, Charlotte owns the world. First, Science of Sleep and now a song that rivals some of the finest work by her brilliant parents.(i.e. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin.) Anyway, Air does the production, Jarvis Cocker(Pulp) and that dude from the Divine Comedy did the lyrics, so you can't go wrong. The song itself just sounds big, with it's church bells style rhythm, jangle pop feel, and
5. Silent Shout by the Knife
Yes, I'm the one that said The Knife is like when Bjork was good. And yes, I always say Like A Pen is their best tune. BUT.
1. This is the single. and 2. I'm so sick of talking about the fucking Knife, similar to Bjork's rise, they are getting abit played.
They still deserve to be on here.
6. Bad up your betterness by The Presets
And now the elitist card gets played. If you want to talk about a band that sounds like the Knife, but is arguably better. You can talk about the Presets. They are Australian and they sound like Gary Numan.(Sometimes like an excited Gary Numan.) Nuff said. And I have no idea what single they have, I've only heard the album.
7. Lindsay Lohan by Spank Rock
It's true, put that pussy away Lindsay it looks like a dead rat. Dload the song if u can find it, since it's not really on the album.
Oh yeah, I forgot the description. Dirty rapping meets glitchy electronics and heavy bass.
8. Special by Mew.
They're 80's. They're Danish. They have bad album covers.
They also have interesting rhythm, harmonies and tunes that just stay in your hair. It's kinda like Yes's best work, pretentious, but too good to ignore.
9. Parenthesis by The Blow
Man, that girl from the Blow is cute. The songs are cute. The beats are cute.(Actually kinda harsh too.) This song is my favorite love song of the year by far. When you're holding me, we form a pair of parenthesis. Brilliant.
10. Circle Square Triangle by Test Icicles
What a fuckin waste. That's really all I need to say. It was such a great rock song with weird rapping and rhythm to go with the great angular guitar. What a waste, the band broke up, ALREADY.
11. Woman by Wolfmother
It's been everywhere and that Deep Purple style riff still sounds great. Afroed Australians make good music. I'm not really about hearing about unicorns and shit, but at least Wolfmother rocks out when doing so.
12. Let's Get Out Of This Country by Camera Obscura
Tracyanne Campbell is the Scottish Astrud Gilberto and the band has kind of a Scottish indie rock/honky tonk vibe. They really are great, u should get ALL of their albums. I just had to pick the best new song
13. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys
Yes they are the Libertines-lite. Yes I said I wouldn't mention them anymore, but they still are good. If nothing else that Musikladen style video they made for this song gets it on here.(That's not even talking about the actual brilliant lyrics and playing)
14. Me and U by Cassie
Cassie is in because I like the screw tape Banananrama beat, the hot nature of the lyrics, the hot nature of Cassie herself, and the fact that you couldn't escape it on radio or the club.(The Janet Jackson Pleasure Principle style video didn't hurt)
15. Emily by Joanna Newsom
She no longer sounds like a 5 year old!(or Fievel as Gosey Wales says) Yes! I like the new control she has over her voice so it is more unique than annoying and The fact that she's studied composition makes her work more impressive. It's like a 10 minute song of harp and strings so getting Van Dyke Parks on there doesn't hurt. Simply put it's interesting music.
16. Whole World by Aloe Blacc
It's by FAR the BEST R and B song of the year. It's got that kinda 60's back beat mixed with a REALLY Icy tune, but all of the lyrics are beautiful and warm odes to great music and musicians. This song's non props on Black radio and TV really bugs me.
17. Smile by Lily Allen
You knew that bratty lil white Brit had to be on here.(And no I don't mean the SOV who is so played, we will not discuss her anymore until after her fucking TRL appearances are over. Elitist card appearance #2) Lily is just as bratty as SOV, but her reggae style is just so different than what most pop stars are doing. It's smooth, yet plucky.(yes i know that description sounds more like a wine than a tune.)
18. Boy From School by Hot Chip
Best dance tune of the year. It fits in those early morning in your pad sessions and the 4 am afterhours scene. Don't give me shit about not putting Over and Over on here, it has nothing on Boy From School.
19. Tetang Cita by White Shoes and The Couples Company
They are the Indonesian Stereolab, but even more 70's. It reminds of that old Boards of Canada description "It sounds like old pictures coming to life." And besides it's just so cheerful and optimistic in that old Burt Bacharach way, you have to love it.
20. The Decision by Young Knives
Proof again Andy Gill deserves royalties on every post punk song(aside from the ones PIL and Raincoats did). He produced this one, and the YK's go to fucking town. Weird vocals meet a killer guitar tone. They are English, snotty, and have a bassist named the House Of Lords, get the album before the played domestic version comes out.
21. Sofa Song by The Kooks
You could put the whole first side of this album on this list. Catchy, kinda frantic, obsessive. Kooks are the new Supergrass.
22. God Knows by El Perro Del Mar
It's just so damn depressing. It's just so 60's girl group/Wall Of Sound. It's just so damn good.
23. Magick by the Klaxons
I'm not the biggest "new rave" fan, but if the Klaxons keep making new songs like this one I will be. It's mean like the Mondays, but has some absurd fast live drums on it.
24. Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me by the Pipettes
I'll stay with what I said last time. Scottish Girl Group meets Phil Spector meets mad fun dancing. You can't beat that
25. Shoot the Runner by Kasabian
Hey, they already are the younger Primal Scream. Now they wanna be Oasis when they were good. Danceable madness
In random order
1. Lets Make Love And Listen To Death From Above by Cansei De Ser Sexy
Lets be clear, unlike most peeps I think the CSS album is up and down and since Alala's opening rips Boss Hog's "Ski Bunny" off abit too much for my taste, so I'm picking this one. Those are all good reasons, but the best reason is the song is unstoppable. Hipster references, check. Funky bassline, check. Cute members/video, check. Strange cheerful electronic gurgling beat, check. U get the point, the song couldn't fail, ok, it's still great, 6 months later.
2. XR2 by M.I.A
Two years in a row(you can make the argument she should be on three years in a row) M.I.A is in. Gone is the old reggaton esque beats. In with the dark minimal Egyptian Lover esque rhymes and dance beats. It is strangely hypnotic and will blow up GIGANTIC when the actual album comes out.(Unless they release one of the rumored Timbaland/MIA collaborations first.)
3. 300 Bars and Runnin by the Game
The Game hates everyone. He tells you so in the MOST GRANDIOSE hip hop song ever, a 15 minute diss track about why 50 cent and haters are shit. The song has like 20 samples, some good lines, and so much outright hate, it's deserves it's respect.
4. The Songs That We Sing by Charlotte Gainsbourg.
Wow, Charlotte owns the world. First, Science of Sleep and now a song that rivals some of the finest work by her brilliant parents.(i.e. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin.) Anyway, Air does the production, Jarvis Cocker(Pulp) and that dude from the Divine Comedy did the lyrics, so you can't go wrong. The song itself just sounds big, with it's church bells style rhythm, jangle pop feel, and
5. Silent Shout by the Knife
Yes, I'm the one that said The Knife is like when Bjork was good. And yes, I always say Like A Pen is their best tune. BUT.
1. This is the single. and 2. I'm so sick of talking about the fucking Knife, similar to Bjork's rise, they are getting abit played.
They still deserve to be on here.
6. Bad up your betterness by The Presets
And now the elitist card gets played. If you want to talk about a band that sounds like the Knife, but is arguably better. You can talk about the Presets. They are Australian and they sound like Gary Numan.(Sometimes like an excited Gary Numan.) Nuff said. And I have no idea what single they have, I've only heard the album.
7. Lindsay Lohan by Spank Rock
It's true, put that pussy away Lindsay it looks like a dead rat. Dload the song if u can find it, since it's not really on the album.
Oh yeah, I forgot the description. Dirty rapping meets glitchy electronics and heavy bass.
8. Special by Mew.
They're 80's. They're Danish. They have bad album covers.
They also have interesting rhythm, harmonies and tunes that just stay in your hair. It's kinda like Yes's best work, pretentious, but too good to ignore.
9. Parenthesis by The Blow
Man, that girl from the Blow is cute. The songs are cute. The beats are cute.(Actually kinda harsh too.) This song is my favorite love song of the year by far. When you're holding me, we form a pair of parenthesis. Brilliant.
10. Circle Square Triangle by Test Icicles
What a fuckin waste. That's really all I need to say. It was such a great rock song with weird rapping and rhythm to go with the great angular guitar. What a waste, the band broke up, ALREADY.
11. Woman by Wolfmother
It's been everywhere and that Deep Purple style riff still sounds great. Afroed Australians make good music. I'm not really about hearing about unicorns and shit, but at least Wolfmother rocks out when doing so.
12. Let's Get Out Of This Country by Camera Obscura
Tracyanne Campbell is the Scottish Astrud Gilberto and the band has kind of a Scottish indie rock/honky tonk vibe. They really are great, u should get ALL of their albums. I just had to pick the best new song
13. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys
Yes they are the Libertines-lite. Yes I said I wouldn't mention them anymore, but they still are good. If nothing else that Musikladen style video they made for this song gets it on here.(That's not even talking about the actual brilliant lyrics and playing)
14. Me and U by Cassie
Cassie is in because I like the screw tape Banananrama beat, the hot nature of the lyrics, the hot nature of Cassie herself, and the fact that you couldn't escape it on radio or the club.(The Janet Jackson Pleasure Principle style video didn't hurt)
15. Emily by Joanna Newsom
She no longer sounds like a 5 year old!(or Fievel as Gosey Wales says) Yes! I like the new control she has over her voice so it is more unique than annoying and The fact that she's studied composition makes her work more impressive. It's like a 10 minute song of harp and strings so getting Van Dyke Parks on there doesn't hurt. Simply put it's interesting music.
16. Whole World by Aloe Blacc
It's by FAR the BEST R and B song of the year. It's got that kinda 60's back beat mixed with a REALLY Icy tune, but all of the lyrics are beautiful and warm odes to great music and musicians. This song's non props on Black radio and TV really bugs me.
17. Smile by Lily Allen
You knew that bratty lil white Brit had to be on here.(And no I don't mean the SOV who is so played, we will not discuss her anymore until after her fucking TRL appearances are over. Elitist card appearance #2) Lily is just as bratty as SOV, but her reggae style is just so different than what most pop stars are doing. It's smooth, yet plucky.(yes i know that description sounds more like a wine than a tune.)
18. Boy From School by Hot Chip
Best dance tune of the year. It fits in those early morning in your pad sessions and the 4 am afterhours scene. Don't give me shit about not putting Over and Over on here, it has nothing on Boy From School.
19. Tetang Cita by White Shoes and The Couples Company
They are the Indonesian Stereolab, but even more 70's. It reminds of that old Boards of Canada description "It sounds like old pictures coming to life." And besides it's just so cheerful and optimistic in that old Burt Bacharach way, you have to love it.
20. The Decision by Young Knives
Proof again Andy Gill deserves royalties on every post punk song(aside from the ones PIL and Raincoats did). He produced this one, and the YK's go to fucking town. Weird vocals meet a killer guitar tone. They are English, snotty, and have a bassist named the House Of Lords, get the album before the played domestic version comes out.
21. Sofa Song by The Kooks
You could put the whole first side of this album on this list. Catchy, kinda frantic, obsessive. Kooks are the new Supergrass.
22. God Knows by El Perro Del Mar
It's just so damn depressing. It's just so 60's girl group/Wall Of Sound. It's just so damn good.
23. Magick by the Klaxons
I'm not the biggest "new rave" fan, but if the Klaxons keep making new songs like this one I will be. It's mean like the Mondays, but has some absurd fast live drums on it.
24. Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me by the Pipettes
I'll stay with what I said last time. Scottish Girl Group meets Phil Spector meets mad fun dancing. You can't beat that
25. Shoot the Runner by Kasabian
Hey, they already are the younger Primal Scream. Now they wanna be Oasis when they were good. Danceable madness
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Tha 3rd Live OC Rant
Chrismakah time. Again.Time for joy. U know the rules about commercials and we get the live recap/opinions.
Is it me or does Ryan look closer and closer to Kirsten's age with each passing episode? He barely seems like he could be her son anymore.
Ryan has found a card post dated from Marissa.
Julie and Caitlyn straight out of Riverside. It's about time they goes back to Julie's hood.
Taylor bought Ryan the George Foreman grill because he likes lean meat. She is indeed lean meat, I saw the Stuff mag, Damn indeed.
Taylor and Ryan fight on a ladder(not Jet Li/Once Upon A Time In China style) and fall to unconsciousness.
Hey a new verion of California, it must be on that cover album of OC tunes. It actually sounds abit better, I'll find our who it's by in break 2.
Break one: Lets Build a Zoo by Saint Etienne
And we are in Bizarro Newport.(I assume Taylor has travelled with him.)
Kirsten(still head of the Newport Group) doesn't recognize Ryan. She banishes him from the house.
Julie does Charity work. It really is bizarro world. I think that was one of the bums from the Thanksgiving episode.
Seth is bullied by Luke's brothers, similar to the ULTRA NERDY way he acted in the pilot episode.
Sandy is the mayor-recognize. He thinks Ryan is stalking him. Ha
Meanwhile in the real world...
Taylor and Ryan are in the hospital.
Meanwhile back in Tron(I mean Bizarro Newport)
Taylor and Ryan find each other and are happy since they at least recognize each other.
Break 2:c'est a lamour by Francoise Hardy and
Side Streets by Saint Etienne(Wow they came up again)
So the cover version of California is by Mates Of States, who I hate, but not as much as fucking Phantom Planet.
Taylor says they are in a parallel universe. She is mad still that Ryan kinda dissed her.
Summer is getting married and is acting like she did in the earliest Summer. And isn't that Holly aka the one who did Luke? She's marrying Che? What? Couldn't it have at least been Luke?
Speaking of Summer it's official. She's lost at least 10 pounds, cuz in the early episodes(just seen again by me while typing the book up) she is crazy tan and buxom. I miss that Summer.(despite Anna being crazy thin and me loving it.)
And now we see Che is a player, he cheats on Summer. Taylor knows it.
Kirsten and Jimmy are married. how did that happen? Wouldn't a divorce have fucked up Sandy's election?
Oh wait, Sandy is married to Julie. Now that is funny. And Che's screwing her on the side.
Taylor sees Julie treating him like a dirty spanking sub.
Marissa is alive and at Berkeley, so they tell us.
Taylor's theory is they must fix what's "wrong" with Bizarro Newport to get back to the original world.
Meanwhile in the real world...
Caitlyn says they will be having "a Britney Christmas." That's a good one.
Kirsten gets the miraculous Marissa letter that fell out of Ryan's pocket in the ambulance
Bizarro Newport
Ah bait and switch on the Marissa thing, It's Caitlyn who is a prodigy and returning from Berkley. She says Marissa OD'd in the alley in Tijuana(because there was no Ryan to pick her up and carry her to safety.I totally just saw that one yesterday)
In a good style thing for this episode, they seem to only be using cover versions of pop songs, ie the Theme and Paranoid Android by Radiohead.
Another break:The world of Sex by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Bizarro Newport
Taylor tells Ryan how much he's done for everyone in the real world.
meanwhile in the real world
Seth thinks they are in a parallel universe as well. He thinks they must accomplish something to get back.(How many times are they gonna say this.)
In Bizarro Newport world
Taylor is a guy. And her ma is still evil. Ha
Bizarro Seth believes Ryan's parallel universe story. So they will work together to get him with Summer. Taylor is trying Kirsten to be into Sandy and vice versa.
How did Taylor know about Kirsten living in the mail truck? Anyway, it works she goes to talk to Sandy
Taylor sees her mom being crappy and calls her a bitch and it seems like she may be on her way back to the real world.
Julie is doing Che in bathroom and they get found by Jimmy. Who tells everyone what is going on.
Sandy and Kirsten realize Taylor is the one who told the lies that got them talking, but as soon as it happens, Taylor is back in the real world, leaving Ryan all alone and now arrested.
Another ad break Cars and Girls by the Dictators
Taylor's mom is mean as ever and seems not to care that Taylor is ok, but Taylor is actually nice to her.
Kirsten gives the letter to Julie, who opens it.
Sandy says the death of Marissa left everyone stuck, just like the show now. I'm sure they meant to reference it in this phrase.
And Caitlyn also says what we are all thinking"Taylor in a coma is a nice break" indeed.
In the real world/parallel universe:
In her letter Marissa wrote that for them to get on with their lives, she had to leave Newport,even though she loved Ryan.
As soon as Ryan read it in the parallel uni, he said goodbye to Marissa. AND not only was he in the old beach/lifeguard tower where they hung out the show went into a bomb cover of the old Mazzy Star Marissa motif/theme.
Ryan wakes up and it's the Christmakuh miracle, and everything is cool according to everyone in the room.
That closes the show.
Last ad break: DIng Dong The Witch Dead by Klaus Nomi
Next week Whoa Hercules is hitting on Julie Cooper. Is Taylor pregnant? Will Summer marry Seth?
The verdict: BEST USE OF MUSIC ON TV POSSIBLY EVER. I'm serious. Cover versions of tunes you've heard on the show before to simulate Bizarro world was a SPECTACULARLY GOOD IDEA. I realize it also works in the lets promote the covers version of our soundtrack that just came out, but it still worked. The episode was fun again, but didn't necessarily build anything crazy. And the bait and switch was semi crappy. And a quick last question. feel free and answer If Seth was still so nerdy does that mean there was no Anna?
Is it me or does Ryan look closer and closer to Kirsten's age with each passing episode? He barely seems like he could be her son anymore.
Ryan has found a card post dated from Marissa.
Julie and Caitlyn straight out of Riverside. It's about time they goes back to Julie's hood.
Taylor bought Ryan the George Foreman grill because he likes lean meat. She is indeed lean meat, I saw the Stuff mag, Damn indeed.
Taylor and Ryan fight on a ladder(not Jet Li/Once Upon A Time In China style) and fall to unconsciousness.
Hey a new verion of California, it must be on that cover album of OC tunes. It actually sounds abit better, I'll find our who it's by in break 2.
Break one: Lets Build a Zoo by Saint Etienne
And we are in Bizarro Newport.(I assume Taylor has travelled with him.)
Kirsten(still head of the Newport Group) doesn't recognize Ryan. She banishes him from the house.
Julie does Charity work. It really is bizarro world. I think that was one of the bums from the Thanksgiving episode.
Seth is bullied by Luke's brothers, similar to the ULTRA NERDY way he acted in the pilot episode.
Sandy is the mayor-recognize. He thinks Ryan is stalking him. Ha
Meanwhile in the real world...
Taylor and Ryan are in the hospital.
Meanwhile back in Tron(I mean Bizarro Newport)
Taylor and Ryan find each other and are happy since they at least recognize each other.
Break 2:c'est a lamour by Francoise Hardy and
Side Streets by Saint Etienne(Wow they came up again)
So the cover version of California is by Mates Of States, who I hate, but not as much as fucking Phantom Planet.
Taylor says they are in a parallel universe. She is mad still that Ryan kinda dissed her.
Summer is getting married and is acting like she did in the earliest Summer. And isn't that Holly aka the one who did Luke? She's marrying Che? What? Couldn't it have at least been Luke?
Speaking of Summer it's official. She's lost at least 10 pounds, cuz in the early episodes(just seen again by me while typing the book up) she is crazy tan and buxom. I miss that Summer.(despite Anna being crazy thin and me loving it.)
And now we see Che is a player, he cheats on Summer. Taylor knows it.
Kirsten and Jimmy are married. how did that happen? Wouldn't a divorce have fucked up Sandy's election?
Oh wait, Sandy is married to Julie. Now that is funny. And Che's screwing her on the side.
Taylor sees Julie treating him like a dirty spanking sub.
Marissa is alive and at Berkeley, so they tell us.
Taylor's theory is they must fix what's "wrong" with Bizarro Newport to get back to the original world.
Meanwhile in the real world...
Caitlyn says they will be having "a Britney Christmas." That's a good one.
Kirsten gets the miraculous Marissa letter that fell out of Ryan's pocket in the ambulance
Bizarro Newport
Ah bait and switch on the Marissa thing, It's Caitlyn who is a prodigy and returning from Berkley. She says Marissa OD'd in the alley in Tijuana(because there was no Ryan to pick her up and carry her to safety.I totally just saw that one yesterday)
In a good style thing for this episode, they seem to only be using cover versions of pop songs, ie the Theme and Paranoid Android by Radiohead.
Another break:The world of Sex by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion
Bizarro Newport
Taylor tells Ryan how much he's done for everyone in the real world.
meanwhile in the real world
Seth thinks they are in a parallel universe as well. He thinks they must accomplish something to get back.(How many times are they gonna say this.)
In Bizarro Newport world
Taylor is a guy. And her ma is still evil. Ha
Bizarro Seth believes Ryan's parallel universe story. So they will work together to get him with Summer. Taylor is trying Kirsten to be into Sandy and vice versa.
How did Taylor know about Kirsten living in the mail truck? Anyway, it works she goes to talk to Sandy
Taylor sees her mom being crappy and calls her a bitch and it seems like she may be on her way back to the real world.
Julie is doing Che in bathroom and they get found by Jimmy. Who tells everyone what is going on.
Sandy and Kirsten realize Taylor is the one who told the lies that got them talking, but as soon as it happens, Taylor is back in the real world, leaving Ryan all alone and now arrested.
Another ad break Cars and Girls by the Dictators
Taylor's mom is mean as ever and seems not to care that Taylor is ok, but Taylor is actually nice to her.
Kirsten gives the letter to Julie, who opens it.
Sandy says the death of Marissa left everyone stuck, just like the show now. I'm sure they meant to reference it in this phrase.
And Caitlyn also says what we are all thinking"Taylor in a coma is a nice break" indeed.
In the real world/parallel universe:
In her letter Marissa wrote that for them to get on with their lives, she had to leave Newport,even though she loved Ryan.
As soon as Ryan read it in the parallel uni, he said goodbye to Marissa. AND not only was he in the old beach/lifeguard tower where they hung out the show went into a bomb cover of the old Mazzy Star Marissa motif/theme.
Ryan wakes up and it's the Christmakuh miracle, and everything is cool according to everyone in the room.
That closes the show.
Last ad break: DIng Dong The Witch Dead by Klaus Nomi
Next week Whoa Hercules is hitting on Julie Cooper. Is Taylor pregnant? Will Summer marry Seth?
The verdict: BEST USE OF MUSIC ON TV POSSIBLY EVER. I'm serious. Cover versions of tunes you've heard on the show before to simulate Bizarro world was a SPECTACULARLY GOOD IDEA. I realize it also works in the lets promote the covers version of our soundtrack that just came out, but it still worked. The episode was fun again, but didn't necessarily build anything crazy. And the bait and switch was semi crappy. And a quick last question. feel free and answer If Seth was still so nerdy does that mean there was no Anna?
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