"We're gonna groove tonight, we're gonna feel alright. Simpsons Christmas Boogie."
So we start with Tha Simpsons Movie. I liked it. It may have been unneccesary, and a cash grab. But, it was fun. A dash long and coulda just been 4 episodes, but whatever I still got some enjoyment.
Ratatouille=EXCELLENT as well. Everything about it worked. And I'm a sucker for cooking shit. I also like how modern Pixar films never play for that cheap make the movie depressing for 20 mins that cartoons did in the 80's.(i.e. American Tale.)
However, it's creepy when all the rats run at once. I can't wait for Pixar to use their talents for evil. Perhaps with the Brothers Quay directing. Ok now I ask for too much.
Now the real movie discussion begins and ends with Sunshine the latest work from Danny Boyle. I missed his last film Millions where the kid talks to the saints. But, I have seen much of his work. And you can make the argument that Sunshine is the best work he's ever done as a director.
"Blasphemy!" yells all the Trainspotting fans. Let me address this argument first. I give him credit for making an indecipharable book(I don't want a glossary in anything I read) a good movie. But, the film isn't particularly special. If you see The Acid House(also adapted from Irvine Welsh's work) it looks and feels about the same. In fact Trainspotting isn't even as good as Shallow Fucking Grave.
Anyway, Sunshine.
First. It has Rose Byrne in it! And they've tried to take away her natural beauty away(not working, but she does look tired.)she's running and screaming from stuff, which seems to be her performance the last two films.(However she is in that new new Glenn Close show about lawyers, so I bet she won't run in terror in that one.) It also has Michelle Yeoh! This was easily my favorite film of hers that didn't involve her jumping onto a moving train with a motorcycle or beating Jackie Chan down with harsh remarks and crane style kicks. Also for the ladies, Cillian Murphy mugs and broods for the camera, every inch the live action version of every Paul Pope drawing ever.(If they ever make 100% or Heavy Liquid into movies, book Cillian.)
Two. It is as stylistically interesting and brilliant visually as any movie of possibly the last year.(Ok maybe two years. Maybe three?) You should go see it on the biggest loudest screen you can. And see it with the fewest people possible, so you can feel the claustrophobia of the whole piece. Frankly I had a kissing couple(go see Who's your caddy? you fucks if you must get your rocks off in the theater instead of at home where all the real, good shit can happen) Oh and chomping /drinking people is annoying as balls when it's Tarkovsky style 5 minutes of no dialogue. I'd say you should see it at home, but frankly the big screen matters.
Ok so here's where I bash up on two things. DO NOT GO TO THE WEBSITE. IT LITERALY SPOILS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE WITH IT'S TAGLINE. Thanks for telling me essentially what happens without me asking in house ad assholes.(This was because I wanted to know why we had to wait an extra week here in Austin to see it, which was fucking garbage by the way.)
Second. I'm officially coining a new term. You saw the Sorority Boys turnaround the other week. This week it's the Danny Boyle I don't know how to write a fucking third act. I warn you that if the movie were not so stylish and interesting in the first hour, that this would have made the movie TOTAL SHIT. It is confusing, convoluted, and makes ZERO sense in the scope of the film.
I'll tell you what I've learned in all the writing I've done, If you are going to have something happen at the END, set a precedent for it happening OR have a scene explaining how the hell this could possibly happen.(They're called evil monologues look into them Boyle.) I swear this is like the 8th film this year that left me saying HOW did that happen? It's as if Hollywood script doctors have forgotten that you have to make things clear so the audience can gasp! follow the story. And It's not as if they are trying to make some obtuse Godard freak out movie where he's trying to fuck with you and make a political argument or a Tarkovsky slow moving unclear dense masterwork, it's just fucking laziness.
Anyway the movie is beautiful and fully realized on a style level, it's just confounding in a madenning way in the third act. So you should see it. Maybe you can fucking explain it to me and how it works.
A few side notes.
Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh, and Ingmar Bergman. RIP
Bergman=genius. Snyder=Brilliant interviewing style that every cable show tries to achieve but will never come close to replicate. Walsh=I def enjoyed watching you thrash the Broncos in the first Super Bowl I remember watching.
Lindsay Lohan carnage. So she took my advice and passed on the nudity. Huzzah! Too bad the film TOTALLY bombed. How sad it really might be over.(Oh well fuck it, they can always replace her with Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert, or perhaps even Hayley Duff.)
Previously on Baio did the Broads
Baio hangs out with Julie Mccullough/the nanny from growing pains who proclaims in her strong dusty Southern accent "You cheated on me so much, I had to have my first AIDS test." And then he apologizes and she's shocked.
(Ok so no one has gotten this episode for me, so I'm just going off highlights.)
Ze Episode Troika Recap
So Doc Allie asks him about his type
He's like blonde, big rack, nice body, warm, kind, no bigger than 5'6.(See that makes me a perfect wingman for Baio, cuz we have opposite types. Ballin!)
She's like, well how about I send you to some people that make scientific matches, and while he's skeptical he goes ahead and does it.
And that takes us to Baio meeting these two Russian women who have matched over 500 couples to marriage. Of course he's brought letcherous Johnny V with him and the broads tell him to fuck off.(Ok they say sit down and shut up.)
So they go over types again, and strangely Baio seems fascinated by their process.
Next up Scott goes to talk to Summer Quinn. Ok she was Jamie Powell first, but she'll always be Summer Quinn to me. I remember many the Sunday mornings at the ages of 8-10 eating danish watching her brilliant bobbed hair and anime style super deformed rack size to body proportion. sigh*
Oh wait Nicole Eggert was also Mrs. Corey Haim, I totally forgot that. That ruins it all right there.
Anyway, so Nicole tells Baio about how she ran into "Bridget" and Baio is like Who the fuck is Bridget?
And she's like you dated her, when we were on the show. She was a playmate. She was around all the time. She and I still know each other.
Baio looks confused.
Finally he's like Shit man that's the problem, I don't even remember some of them.
Next up Nicole is swinging cutely with her dog and she's like Remember how the playboy magazine was like a mail order Sears catalog and you would want one and then next thing you know they were there.
Baio:Whoa me and Bibleman totally did that
Nicole:Well this is how I guess I got so wild was seeing you guys party it up
Baio: Great Role Models We Were
Anyway, the scene was good, because they are still friends which makes me the Charles and Charge DVD owner happy.
Next up, poker game with tha hangers on.
The main point is asshole Johnny V getting some silconed up stripper to break up the game and writhe over him and Baio gets pissed off, but is nice to the stipper and gives her 200 bucks to leave.(Ah old habits die hard for poon hounds like Baio and Sheen. You just pay em to leave not for the sex.) Of course he's kinda mean
SCIENCE! Thomas Dolby style
So Johnny and Baio wait for the blind date, if she's not hot Johnny stays, if she is, he leaves immediately.
And the verdict...
Using the scientific Scott Baio school of shallowness...
The date is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY hotter than his current girlfriend. For example, his current girlfriend is like one of those burned out Beauty Queens who look one step away from a Bowling Alley Pageant. They just depress you. This new broad is an illustrator who seems nice and easily has good days ahead of her.
He spend his time finding little things about her he doesnt like, and frankly they are absurd.(Nicole had told him perfect doesnt exist. He certainly didn't listen.)
However the reasoning is much more about being totally enamoured with his girlfriend. Which he kinda admits.
Next time on Baio did the broads...
He meets his girlfriend's daughter who is 17. And she has a Southern accent! And she's breaking his balls! And she scarily looks like in a year she'll be the kinda broad Baio will pray upon!
We need a new countdown:
Um Curb Your Enthusiasm is supposed to be coming back-1 month maybe?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
PJ hits you in the face.
In honor of Callie's blog, where she showed this artist no love on her list of rockingest females.(I'm sure this was a minor oversite Cal, I have a feeling you love her already.), I'm writing one about this artist.
That't's right this one is about PJ Harvey. For all you peeps who don't know her
She's the awkwardly pretty, vicious, British chameleon who's been putting out records for about a decade or so now.(I believe she's in her late 30's now.) From Glam, to electronica, to fragile brokenness, to angry soul exposing songs, PJ has created a career reminiscent of 70's Bowie where she has moved so fast you can never catch up to what she will do next and constantly reinvented herself and the music around her.
Now I do this because it seems that as Polly Jean has gotten older, so has her fanbase, without any new youths boosting her up. Look at the myspaces of women across ze world, and who do you see as female "rock" idols in the music section? Jenny Lewis. Neko Case. Karen O. Ani Defranco. Peaches. and GASP! Ashlee Simpson.
So lets discuss some of these other "rockers."
Lets go in random order.
Peaches was good like 80 yrs ago before she ever realized she would make a second or a third album. To quote Silky Johnson on Chapelle Show "Bombed out and depleated like Afghanistan." There are only SOOO many sex songs you can do. I'm still waiting for her to do her next album with tha same bombed out 2002(last date she was actually good) low ebb electro beats and song titles like The Dirty Sanchez, I'm the Boss(Do the Tony Danza), and Chili Dogs at the State Fair. She's no PJ. You want a PJ sex song. here u go.
Karen O. is still a great singer, despite one of the more disappointing sophomore albums in recent memory. If nothing else her sin is causing far too many wannabe broads to dress like her.(think 1984 Madonna.) I'll give her another chance, but even then she will never record something as great as icy and mean as this no matter how hard she's been trying.
Neko Case. Great Singer. Hot. But, lets face it there is no danger in her songs. No adventure. What REALLY seperates Neko from Rosanna Cash, Aimee Mann, or even Shawn Colvin? Not that much. She's better than them, but she's also not PJ. You wanna see a soulful bluesy singer, see it here.
Ashlee Simpson=Hot. Good TV actress. Does that equal singer or rock star. I'm sorry it doesnt. Never be close to PJ. So no need for a video.
Jenny Lewis. Listen, I'm arguably the biggest J.Lew mark this side of California, considering I've seen the Wizard like 20 times. And her tunes are cutesy in that folksy Americana way you have to appreciate. But, PJ will stomp her back into modern fucking times all over her with leather boots.
Ani Defranco is and I quote "the anti-christ." She makes Good Charlotte and Bright Eyes look like Jesus and Moses respectively. Ani Here's what really pisses me off. She and PJ are like the same age, yet girls my age and younger still are finding out about her. Why? It seems as if most broads who say PJ is great are like 30 something now, yet teen broads still love that "I'm not a pretty girl" garbage. PJ isn't pretty, she just stands up and makes herself a larger than life character so you want to fuck her. And just so I don't get shit about needing a calendar by putting up only old PJ vids, here's a pretty new one that proves her ferocity seems even stronger nowadays.
The proof's in the vids. So here's your chance youths, rock out with PJ make your life better. Now if only we could get some younger peeps into some Stereolab records, we can rock out and then have a brilliant time dancing.
That't's right this one is about PJ Harvey. For all you peeps who don't know her
She's the awkwardly pretty, vicious, British chameleon who's been putting out records for about a decade or so now.(I believe she's in her late 30's now.) From Glam, to electronica, to fragile brokenness, to angry soul exposing songs, PJ has created a career reminiscent of 70's Bowie where she has moved so fast you can never catch up to what she will do next and constantly reinvented herself and the music around her.
Now I do this because it seems that as Polly Jean has gotten older, so has her fanbase, without any new youths boosting her up. Look at the myspaces of women across ze world, and who do you see as female "rock" idols in the music section? Jenny Lewis. Neko Case. Karen O. Ani Defranco. Peaches. and GASP! Ashlee Simpson.
So lets discuss some of these other "rockers."
Lets go in random order.
Peaches was good like 80 yrs ago before she ever realized she would make a second or a third album. To quote Silky Johnson on Chapelle Show "Bombed out and depleated like Afghanistan." There are only SOOO many sex songs you can do. I'm still waiting for her to do her next album with tha same bombed out 2002(last date she was actually good) low ebb electro beats and song titles like The Dirty Sanchez, I'm the Boss(Do the Tony Danza), and Chili Dogs at the State Fair. She's no PJ. You want a PJ sex song. here u go.
Karen O. is still a great singer, despite one of the more disappointing sophomore albums in recent memory. If nothing else her sin is causing far too many wannabe broads to dress like her.(think 1984 Madonna.) I'll give her another chance, but even then she will never record something as great as icy and mean as this no matter how hard she's been trying.
Neko Case. Great Singer. Hot. But, lets face it there is no danger in her songs. No adventure. What REALLY seperates Neko from Rosanna Cash, Aimee Mann, or even Shawn Colvin? Not that much. She's better than them, but she's also not PJ. You wanna see a soulful bluesy singer, see it here.
Ashlee Simpson=Hot. Good TV actress. Does that equal singer or rock star. I'm sorry it doesnt. Never be close to PJ. So no need for a video.
Jenny Lewis. Listen, I'm arguably the biggest J.Lew mark this side of California, considering I've seen the Wizard like 20 times. And her tunes are cutesy in that folksy Americana way you have to appreciate. But, PJ will stomp her back into modern fucking times all over her with leather boots.
Ani Defranco is and I quote "the anti-christ." She makes Good Charlotte and Bright Eyes look like Jesus and Moses respectively. Ani Here's what really pisses me off. She and PJ are like the same age, yet girls my age and younger still are finding out about her. Why? It seems as if most broads who say PJ is great are like 30 something now, yet teen broads still love that "I'm not a pretty girl" garbage. PJ isn't pretty, she just stands up and makes herself a larger than life character so you want to fuck her. And just so I don't get shit about needing a calendar by putting up only old PJ vids, here's a pretty new one that proves her ferocity seems even stronger nowadays.
The proof's in the vids. So here's your chance youths, rock out with PJ make your life better. Now if only we could get some younger peeps into some Stereolab records, we can rock out and then have a brilliant time dancing.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Lets all leave Lindsay Lohan alone.
"Why you showing those coochie lips, getting out ya car. Paparazzi hanging around you bitch you know you a superstar."- Spankrock
I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.
So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.
1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.
2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.
3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.
4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)
5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.
6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.
7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?
8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.
9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.
10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.
This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?
No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.
I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.
I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.
So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.
1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.
2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.
3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.
4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)
5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.
6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.
7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?
8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.
9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.
10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.
This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?
No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.
I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.
Monday, July 16, 2007
This one's for the old school old school. You know the babies mama's mama's mama.
"Fucked your bitch and clique you claim" 2pac.
Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.
Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.
And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).
I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.
The Two Coreys countdown-12 days
*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.
Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.
Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.
And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).
I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.
The Two Coreys countdown-12 days
*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Ze olde mailbag.
"It's yurflipaflagnass. It's yurflipaflagnass."- Missy Elliott
Today, I wanted to share with you some of the fascinating pieces from the old destruction company mailbag.
Here's one from a "friend" named Brian Moody who says
"Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at i@ only. I will reply with my pic."
Now come on, if the expensive bot that sends these bollocks mails wanted to use broken english and be a nice girl who wants to chat, couldn't they at least create a good Russian name like Svetlana, Ekaterina, or that hot brunette one from T.A.T.U.
Yeah some dude named Brian is really going to get me to email him when he informs me about hit niceness/hotness as a either a crossdresser or post op.
Now switching over to my myspace, I've gotten of messages from peeps and a LOT feedback.
I got this from a guy named "Will," as seen here
(I like how it not only looks like he listens to Jethro Tull, but has spent far too many weekends playing Robotron 2084.)
"hey i know this is random and all but i just had to tell everyone on my friends list about this new iphone survey i saw. check out this profile and and fill out this like 10 second survey and you can get a new iphone click here if you wanna check it out."
Thanks "Will", that's so faburific. But, it woulda been better if you had told me how you got that sweet sword.
This one's from one of our foreign readers Khorshed Upchurch
Hello, Bran de d new 2007 re au pl ei ica wat tz ches - Express w ot orldwide s pn hipp og ing available!
LIMI TED TIME OFFE pv R:
Bu qa y 2 or more wa ju tches and rec tl ieve a -25 % di fo scou bo nton your w vs hole or de der! http:/
Thank you modern world for creating a job especially for foreign methheads.
This one came from "Fallon." I officially love any broad named after a Dynasty character.
Hey there Im Fallon and I decided to message you because your profile caught my eye as someone I would like to get to know better!! I recently signed up on a new and far more provocative dating site - all you need to sign up and find me is an email to join! You can find my profile at
http://)I am under the name of sexyfallonwantstoplay. I try to stay away from using myspace because it is very restrictive and too much spam. Thanks"!
Too much spam? Myspace? No. Can't be. I like how according to spammers every broad in myspace world officially looks like this...
Yay! no get bigger penis/get girlfriend here messages this week. I guess they finally got those dirty secret paparazzi pics of me and Ashlee Simpson.
The last email is from my main man Yihang Hellender. Which is a fantastic name, I always compliment him on it when we hang out at the Beauty Bar.
Anyway, he says.
"Hello my friend! I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http:/.hk) are bad. Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong... My dog and I are still alive :)
No need for jokes on that one folks.
I was going to address that new Interpol album, but frankly it kind of confuses me, and I'm not sure whether I want to blast it or just call it ho-hum. But, I'll let you know.
I recommend: Aw shit it's the new Curb Your Enthusiasm style program starring Corey and Corey.(it's actually imaginatively called "The Two Coreys.") And they're talking about Lost Boys 2.
What Really Happens to Child Stars
Add to My Profile | More Videos
In the I'm listening section- sorry only sports talk today, while doing thangs.
Scott Baio countdown-3.5 days
Actually fuck that PSYCH SEASON 2-Today.
Today, I wanted to share with you some of the fascinating pieces from the old destruction company mailbag.
Here's one from a "friend" named Brian Moody who says
"Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at i@ only. I will reply with my pic."
Now come on, if the expensive bot that sends these bollocks mails wanted to use broken english and be a nice girl who wants to chat, couldn't they at least create a good Russian name like Svetlana, Ekaterina, or that hot brunette one from T.A.T.U.
Yeah some dude named Brian is really going to get me to email him when he informs me about hit niceness/hotness as a either a crossdresser or post op.
Now switching over to my myspace, I've gotten of messages from peeps and a LOT feedback.
I got this from a guy named "Will," as seen here
(I like how it not only looks like he listens to Jethro Tull, but has spent far too many weekends playing Robotron 2084.)
"hey i know this is random and all but i just had to tell everyone on my friends list about this new iphone survey i saw. check out this profile and and fill out this like 10 second survey and you can get a new iphone click here if you wanna check it out."
Thanks "Will", that's so faburific. But, it woulda been better if you had told me how you got that sweet sword.
This one's from one of our foreign readers Khorshed Upchurch
Hello, Bran de d new 2007 re au pl ei ica wat tz ches - Express w ot orldwide s pn hipp og ing available!
LIMI TED TIME OFFE pv R:
Bu qa y 2 or more wa ju tches and rec tl ieve a -25 % di fo scou bo nton your w vs hole or de der! http:/
Thank you modern world for creating a job especially for foreign methheads.
This one came from "Fallon." I officially love any broad named after a Dynasty character.
Hey there Im Fallon and I decided to message you because your profile caught my eye as someone I would like to get to know better!! I recently signed up on a new and far more provocative dating site - all you need to sign up and find me is an email to join! You can find my profile at
http://)I am under the name of sexyfallonwantstoplay. I try to stay away from using myspace because it is very restrictive and too much spam. Thanks"!
Too much spam? Myspace? No. Can't be. I like how according to spammers every broad in myspace world officially looks like this...
Yay! no get bigger penis/get girlfriend here messages this week. I guess they finally got those dirty secret paparazzi pics of me and Ashlee Simpson.
The last email is from my main man Yihang Hellender. Which is a fantastic name, I always compliment him on it when we hang out at the Beauty Bar.
Anyway, he says.
"Hello my friend! I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http:/.hk) are bad. Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong... My dog and I are still alive :)
No need for jokes on that one folks.
I was going to address that new Interpol album, but frankly it kind of confuses me, and I'm not sure whether I want to blast it or just call it ho-hum. But, I'll let you know.
I recommend: Aw shit it's the new Curb Your Enthusiasm style program starring Corey and Corey.(it's actually imaginatively called "The Two Coreys.") And they're talking about Lost Boys 2.
What Really Happens to Child Stars
Add to My Profile | More Videos
In the I'm listening section- sorry only sports talk today, while doing thangs.
Scott Baio countdown-3.5 days
Actually fuck that PSYCH SEASON 2-Today.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
In the assorted garbage section
"It's still 5!"- Architecture in Helsinki
In honor of the old myspace what I'm currently listening to section. For some reason I have put on Silent Shout by the Knife for the first time in awhile. And you know what it is still pretty damn good, even though Bjork officially bitchslapped them Bumblebee style with her latest album. Now if only they would show more of their vaunted stage show to the rest of the States then maybe they would have some momentum and not be forgotten in the current glut of good dance albums.
Actually fuck that, I'd take a full tour by their electronic compatriot Annie. Don't hate, you motherfuckers know you would mark out to see her do the Chewing Gum dance and do brilliant live versions of The Wedding, Me+1, and of course Heartbeat.
Hey there's a new White Stripes album...No one cares. Actually it's not bad, but why does it seem like every White Stripes song sounds like it was written while watching a Clara Bow or Louise Brooks movie? I swear I'm just waiting for Jack White to just go ahead and write a song with either the words carpetbagger, jitterbug, or perhaps war bonds just so he can tell yet another story about times that only exist on celluloid. I honestly can't name a band(ok I can name 1, I will name them later) that has such impersonal/unfeeling songs. It never seems like there is anything close to insight into his or ex wifey's life in any tune. It would be a fucking revelation to see him do a garage rock album about being rich and marrying a supermodel, at least then it would be fucking real. At least then the lyrics wouldn't be so laboured/stilted.
Next step: replacing Meg with a drum machine, The Kills-style. Please!
So I officially got racially slurred by a faux white rapper in an SUV today. Yes I was told that "As a beaner I can suck his weiner."
Now I have to admit, I was taken aback. This was the first time I had been ever slurred as a Mexican. I must say all 0% of my Latino blood was damn offended. Actually to be honest, whack ass rhyming really offends me as a black person.
Anyway I share this story of slurring, because quite frankly on the eve of the My So Called Life DVD release, i feel the need to slur someone. No I'm not targeting Clare Danes , in her strangely new blonde tannedness because if you have seen Brokedown Palace, you'll realize she's suffered enough. No I'm not attacking Ricky(um some dude whos name I dont remember), he deserves more roles than he gets. And Raylene(AJ Langer) who was always hot, gets my affection for her work on Drexel's Class.(Also with my fav Texan non Texan Brittany Murphy.) So who does that leave? That dude who played Jordan Catalano. That's right I just feel the need to slur Jared Leto. See I was at a restaurant yesterday that forced me to endure the full 30 seconds to Mars album. Not just that stupid video where they are outsider samurai in Aeon Flux boysuits in Japan. Or that 10 minute video where they ride in limos and play at a fancy dress party where no one else is lame enough to be attending. I was forced to hear the WHOLE album. Not only is it full of meaningless postering and quiet-loud dynamics that would make even the grungiest band blush, but the general whinyness of Leto(and his oh so goth mascara wearing brother) totally makes the whole thing an exercise in unbearable madness. Needless to say I felt quite sick after the meal, but then i laughed and felt better as I realized that this debacle of an album may not even be his worst/most embarrasing moment for all to see.
I'd say the words Panic Room say it all.
I recommend: This clip (credit G. Rog.)
Scott Baio countdown-4.5 days.
In honor of the old myspace what I'm currently listening to section. For some reason I have put on Silent Shout by the Knife for the first time in awhile. And you know what it is still pretty damn good, even though Bjork officially bitchslapped them Bumblebee style with her latest album. Now if only they would show more of their vaunted stage show to the rest of the States then maybe they would have some momentum and not be forgotten in the current glut of good dance albums.
Actually fuck that, I'd take a full tour by their electronic compatriot Annie. Don't hate, you motherfuckers know you would mark out to see her do the Chewing Gum dance and do brilliant live versions of The Wedding, Me+1, and of course Heartbeat.
Hey there's a new White Stripes album...No one cares. Actually it's not bad, but why does it seem like every White Stripes song sounds like it was written while watching a Clara Bow or Louise Brooks movie? I swear I'm just waiting for Jack White to just go ahead and write a song with either the words carpetbagger, jitterbug, or perhaps war bonds just so he can tell yet another story about times that only exist on celluloid. I honestly can't name a band(ok I can name 1, I will name them later) that has such impersonal/unfeeling songs. It never seems like there is anything close to insight into his or ex wifey's life in any tune. It would be a fucking revelation to see him do a garage rock album about being rich and marrying a supermodel, at least then it would be fucking real. At least then the lyrics wouldn't be so laboured/stilted.
Next step: replacing Meg with a drum machine, The Kills-style. Please!
So I officially got racially slurred by a faux white rapper in an SUV today. Yes I was told that "As a beaner I can suck his weiner."
Now I have to admit, I was taken aback. This was the first time I had been ever slurred as a Mexican. I must say all 0% of my Latino blood was damn offended. Actually to be honest, whack ass rhyming really offends me as a black person.
Anyway I share this story of slurring, because quite frankly on the eve of the My So Called Life DVD release, i feel the need to slur someone. No I'm not targeting Clare Danes , in her strangely new blonde tannedness because if you have seen Brokedown Palace, you'll realize she's suffered enough. No I'm not attacking Ricky(um some dude whos name I dont remember), he deserves more roles than he gets. And Raylene(AJ Langer) who was always hot, gets my affection for her work on Drexel's Class.(Also with my fav Texan non Texan Brittany Murphy.) So who does that leave? That dude who played Jordan Catalano. That's right I just feel the need to slur Jared Leto. See I was at a restaurant yesterday that forced me to endure the full 30 seconds to Mars album. Not just that stupid video where they are outsider samurai in Aeon Flux boysuits in Japan. Or that 10 minute video where they ride in limos and play at a fancy dress party where no one else is lame enough to be attending. I was forced to hear the WHOLE album. Not only is it full of meaningless postering and quiet-loud dynamics that would make even the grungiest band blush, but the general whinyness of Leto(and his oh so goth mascara wearing brother) totally makes the whole thing an exercise in unbearable madness. Needless to say I felt quite sick after the meal, but then i laughed and felt better as I realized that this debacle of an album may not even be his worst/most embarrasing moment for all to see.
I'd say the words Panic Room say it all.
I recommend: This clip (credit G. Rog.)
Scott Baio countdown-4.5 days.
Friday, July 06, 2007
The Trans On Cheshire Bridge Were Way More Interesting...
“Do It Good Good Good Good Good Double Double Good Double Double Good.” -Happy Mondays
So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.
And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.
I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.
Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days
So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.
And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.
I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.
Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I seriously doubt that Ice-T could die harder than Bruce Willis
Alright peeps. So the old address is active again. Say What! (The Rapture style). Frankly, I was sick of talking about old bands and old bands alone. Having a focused topic blog is boring. If you want to talk to me about old bands, I’m ready and available to do so at a bar of your choice. (As long as it’s not a boring/crap bar.) So I’m bringing the old school style of blog back. The popular form of this blog, where I discuss why this band is good. what happened on fine programs. why this movie=garbage. I’m like that cute broad from USA Today, without the Chuck Taylors and age and with more cuteness and meanness and lots of parenthesis. (That’s not a swipe at that blog; I actually like that one, ok. And no I’m not linking to it, because you’re here for my rantings.)
First things first. We need a new program to recap/discuss on occasion. Previously we had the OC and Rebelde(tha Spanish OC). So if you have any suggestions of something I should download/tape/actually watch live (gasp!) then comment or email me. And yes it can be total crap. If nothing else, it’ll probably be that Scott Baio is 45 and single show, since he does rule and all. (Perhaps I’ll wear the classic fucked up iron on Baio shirt in honor of the new program.)
For the first Vikings stand up! Award (awarded whenever necessary and sponsored by the Go! Team) Maggie Q.
She gets it because at this blog we support mixed actresses who play hot, evil bitches extremely well in films such as Live Free or Die Hard.
Now speaking of Live Free or Die Hard. I know all of you are saying I bet Ian really hated it. He’s going to tee off on it in rare fucking form. The plot was lame. The title was shit. It has that fucking “I’m a mac” guy the ladies seem to have some bizarre fascination with.
And you not what, you’re wrong. I like the movie. In fact it was awesome. Yes the title is shit, but Bruce Willis is not. In fact he probably deserves an Oscar. (Gasp!) Ok let’s not go that far. BUT, I guarantee you won’t find someone more valuable to their movie. It’s like the old sports argument, is the MVP the best player or the person most valuable to their team? And frankly Bruce Willis doesn’t deserve the Oscar per se, but I guarantee he made a potentially disasturous fucking Die Hard into something really fun and credible. Here’s why.
First reason: No one says “Dick Head” better than Bruce.(especially since the movie is PG-13 and he can’t really say fuck.)
Second reason: His dialogue while sometimes poorly written works PERFECTLY in that classic one liner/harsh diatribe/evil dude mockery way that California’s Governor perfected in the all time classic Commando.
Third reason: Die Hard has always been the revisionist version of the unkillable superman movies. This one is no different. What separates Die Hard is the fact that despite all these great feats, the main character ALWAYS ends up with nothing and a shitty life. There’s a sense of brokenness about Bruce Willis’s performance that makes his character believable, despite the action being ABSURDLY over the top. (How’s that for a film school style assessment?)
So the movie itself is fun. It’s garbage. But it’s fun. It made be too long. The action may go so OVERKILL that is almost numbs the mind, but it doesn’t matter since Bruce, “Mac” guy and Maggie Q are good.
BUT, the main bad guys should’ve had a Boris Badenov style accent to add to the campyness. And the broad from Black Xmas who played his daughter is like Jordana Brewster lite. She kept me wishing they had just put the genuine article in there. And one of those last action scenes was strangely so overkill it left me sick and wishing it wasn’t in there.
If nothing else Die Hard 07’ at least delivered, unlike such anticipated films such as lets see…hmmm… Grindhouse. It’s probably neck and neck with 28 Weeks Later for the finest kinda bullshit movie/total awesomeness of the year.
Now one more important topic. The Verve have gotten back together. In case you didn’t see that so well, I’m gonna put it in ALL CAPS. THE VERVE ARE BACK TOGETHER. Original lineup. Ashcroft, McCabe, Salisbury, Jones.(Simon Tong was not an original member and frankly he’s far to busy with Good Bad and Queen to give a toss anymore.) Tour. Album. It’s all happening. And there’s a good chance it’ll even be good since Ashcroft is arguably singing the best he has in years.(Just download Cry Till The Morning off his last album and tell me that he’s not singing at A Northern Soul level of vocaldom.) Who needs Portishead reuniting(whose new album is almost getting into G&R Chinese Democracy/Michael Jackson Invincible territory of taking forever with lots o money spent). Shit I don’t even need a Bloody Valentine reunion if I’m gettin the Verve. Ok that may be stretching. I’d rather have em both back. And while I’m at it; Can we get the good, danceable Primal Scream back? You know me, I’m like Veruca Salt when it comes to some things. “I want today, I want tomorrow…” Ok I won’t sing the whole “Give It To Me Now song.”
I just realized this blog has been gone so long Jordana Brewster is married now. Shit! Perhaps someone else will have to claim her
Ok I recommend the Simian Mobile Disco album Attack Decay Sustain Release. I know everyone is going to say Justice this and Justice that, which makes sense since they are the new Daft Punk and all. And their album has my fav new rapper, Uffie on it too. However the better dance album for those who didn’t dance their asses off to all of Simian’s singles last year, Attack Decay is by far the better more accessible album. It’s the Beat, Hustler, it’s singles like those actually put much of the Justice album to shame. Now if you’ve heard all those songs before, the album won’t surprise you, but otherwise you’ll freak out about it.(Not that it’s not good if you’ve heard those tunes) And yes u have to grab this the non pay band way since it won’t be out in the states till September. You also need to add some of the other early singles that weren’t included on the album for some weird reason.(say Duke of Casio, Piggy In, and Clik to name a few.)
And now I leave u with a new countdown
Countdown to Scott Baio is 45-----13 days
Comment now. U must or I will hunt you down.
First things first. We need a new program to recap/discuss on occasion. Previously we had the OC and Rebelde(tha Spanish OC). So if you have any suggestions of something I should download/tape/actually watch live (gasp!) then comment or email me. And yes it can be total crap. If nothing else, it’ll probably be that Scott Baio is 45 and single show, since he does rule and all. (Perhaps I’ll wear the classic fucked up iron on Baio shirt in honor of the new program.)
For the first Vikings stand up! Award (awarded whenever necessary and sponsored by the Go! Team) Maggie Q.
She gets it because at this blog we support mixed actresses who play hot, evil bitches extremely well in films such as Live Free or Die Hard.
Now speaking of Live Free or Die Hard. I know all of you are saying I bet Ian really hated it. He’s going to tee off on it in rare fucking form. The plot was lame. The title was shit. It has that fucking “I’m a mac” guy the ladies seem to have some bizarre fascination with.
And you not what, you’re wrong. I like the movie. In fact it was awesome. Yes the title is shit, but Bruce Willis is not. In fact he probably deserves an Oscar. (Gasp!) Ok let’s not go that far. BUT, I guarantee you won’t find someone more valuable to their movie. It’s like the old sports argument, is the MVP the best player or the person most valuable to their team? And frankly Bruce Willis doesn’t deserve the Oscar per se, but I guarantee he made a potentially disasturous fucking Die Hard into something really fun and credible. Here’s why.
First reason: No one says “Dick Head” better than Bruce.(especially since the movie is PG-13 and he can’t really say fuck.)
Second reason: His dialogue while sometimes poorly written works PERFECTLY in that classic one liner/harsh diatribe/evil dude mockery way that California’s Governor perfected in the all time classic Commando.
Third reason: Die Hard has always been the revisionist version of the unkillable superman movies. This one is no different. What separates Die Hard is the fact that despite all these great feats, the main character ALWAYS ends up with nothing and a shitty life. There’s a sense of brokenness about Bruce Willis’s performance that makes his character believable, despite the action being ABSURDLY over the top. (How’s that for a film school style assessment?)
So the movie itself is fun. It’s garbage. But it’s fun. It made be too long. The action may go so OVERKILL that is almost numbs the mind, but it doesn’t matter since Bruce, “Mac” guy and Maggie Q are good.
BUT, the main bad guys should’ve had a Boris Badenov style accent to add to the campyness. And the broad from Black Xmas who played his daughter is like Jordana Brewster lite. She kept me wishing they had just put the genuine article in there. And one of those last action scenes was strangely so overkill it left me sick and wishing it wasn’t in there.
If nothing else Die Hard 07’ at least delivered, unlike such anticipated films such as lets see…hmmm… Grindhouse. It’s probably neck and neck with 28 Weeks Later for the finest kinda bullshit movie/total awesomeness of the year.
Now one more important topic. The Verve have gotten back together. In case you didn’t see that so well, I’m gonna put it in ALL CAPS. THE VERVE ARE BACK TOGETHER. Original lineup. Ashcroft, McCabe, Salisbury, Jones.(Simon Tong was not an original member and frankly he’s far to busy with Good Bad and Queen to give a toss anymore.) Tour. Album. It’s all happening. And there’s a good chance it’ll even be good since Ashcroft is arguably singing the best he has in years.(Just download Cry Till The Morning off his last album and tell me that he’s not singing at A Northern Soul level of vocaldom.) Who needs Portishead reuniting(whose new album is almost getting into G&R Chinese Democracy/Michael Jackson Invincible territory of taking forever with lots o money spent). Shit I don’t even need a Bloody Valentine reunion if I’m gettin the Verve. Ok that may be stretching. I’d rather have em both back. And while I’m at it; Can we get the good, danceable Primal Scream back? You know me, I’m like Veruca Salt when it comes to some things. “I want today, I want tomorrow…” Ok I won’t sing the whole “Give It To Me Now song.”
I just realized this blog has been gone so long Jordana Brewster is married now. Shit! Perhaps someone else will have to claim her
Ok I recommend the Simian Mobile Disco album Attack Decay Sustain Release. I know everyone is going to say Justice this and Justice that, which makes sense since they are the new Daft Punk and all. And their album has my fav new rapper, Uffie on it too. However the better dance album for those who didn’t dance their asses off to all of Simian’s singles last year, Attack Decay is by far the better more accessible album. It’s the Beat, Hustler, it’s singles like those actually put much of the Justice album to shame. Now if you’ve heard all those songs before, the album won’t surprise you, but otherwise you’ll freak out about it.(Not that it’s not good if you’ve heard those tunes) And yes u have to grab this the non pay band way since it won’t be out in the states till September. You also need to add some of the other early singles that weren’t included on the album for some weird reason.(say Duke of Casio, Piggy In, and Clik to name a few.)
And now I leave u with a new countdown
Countdown to Scott Baio is 45-----13 days
Comment now. U must or I will hunt you down.
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