Lets all leave Lindsay Lohan alone.

"Why you showing those coochie lips, getting out ya car. Paparazzi hanging around you bitch you know you a superstar."- Spankrock

I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.

So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.

1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.

2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.

3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.

4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)

5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.

6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.

7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?

8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.

9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.

10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.

This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?

No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.

I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.