The Positively True Adventures Of The Destruction Company.

And now for your enjoyment...

2007-09-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

If memory serves me right Chairman Kaga style it's time to discuss the finest songs of ze early and summer part of 07. So it's time to be catching up, fools, especially cuz my list is often strangely different than most. Get a downloadin.(With full commentary, cuz I'm busy watching Pink Lady and Jeff the finest variety show of all time.)
No specific order.

Glass Candy-I Always Say Yes and Rollin Down The Hills.
If you don't have both singles by Glass Candy be very ashamed. VERY VERY ashamed. Ok not really. But, you should have them anyway. In the ever ending world that is italo style dance, Glass Candy's new shit is certainly standing other heavy hitters of the decade(say Metro Area and Juan Maclean). Both are dark oozing madness that is better for the after party, the bedroom, or perhaps the dancer who's feeling to depressed to move.

And speaking of Italo.
Cloetta Paris-Broken Heart Tango and I Miss You Someone
Cloetta is already positioning herself as 2007's version of Annie. I really don't need to say more. If you don't know Annie or Cloetta for that matter, it's darker pop madness.(of course we need an album to justify this praise)

Prinzhorn Dance School-Up Up Up
THANK WHICHEVER GOD YOU WANT. A POST PUNK BAND THAT IS FROM A TOTALLY OPPOSITE SCHOOL THAN GANG OF FOUR. YES IN THE MODERN LANDSCAPE THAT REALLY DOES DESERVE ALL CAPS. Prinzhorn is more from the No Wave school of NY Post Punk(despite being from London) that gave us Lydia Lunch, DNA, and Sonic Youth(they were partially no wave, ok). Perhaps they are the post-post punk of the White Stripes, but really they are like a more exuberant, equally dark, more focused version of DNA. And with modern rockers running angular guitars into the fucking ground, it's refreshing to hear a more minimalist band.

Taken by Trees-Lost and Found
Ok so Victoria Bergmans year was made by her Peter Bjorn and John star turn, but her first tune post-Concretes is quite good. Especially cause it sounds just like Camera Obscura, which makes sense cause it was written by Tracyanne Campbell.

The Brunettes-Her Hairagami Set
New Zealand 60's indie poppers, remind me of a cuter, less swaggering Lee and Nancy at times. There's something very wistful and California about this one, I like it.

The Go Team-Doing It Right
It's the Go Team. It sounds like the Go Team. What else do you want me to say. The album is out like next week. It should be cool.

Here's where I would throw Holy Hail's Country Fair PT II on here, but I'm still not sure how I feel about Brooklyn via RI via rappers Fannypack doing southern B-52's style songs. It's a good song though. When there's an album, call me.

Bat For Lashes-What's A Girl To Do
Creepy video. Best Trip Hop song since either Goldfrapp's "Gun" or Martina Topley Bird's "Sandpaper Kisses." Anyway, it's weirdly medieval and creepy with a brilliant singer.

Uffie-Brand New Car.
Uffie had to be on here. Fuck all the haters, is what she would say to that. She's like the white Foxy Brown. Great sample. rhyme of computer and witch doctor. Typical Veronica Mars like sassiness. I'm better than you attitude=one of her best songs yet.

!!!-Must Be The Moon
Hey !!! are post punk and they are still interesting. Great, pissy aloof lyrics/delivery as always. One of the best funky riffs that is constantly being ripped by DJs. It's a can't miss. Just please no more bands from that school of post punk PLEASE. UNLESS they are gonna reform Outhud, that would be awesome.

Amanda Blank- If Diplo is the Indie P.Diddy, and Uffie is the white Foxy Brown, Amanda Blank possibly could end up being the white Missy Elliott. This song is so hot, it's absurd. Fergie wishes she could be this bitch. Shit so does Lady Sovereign.

Kanye West-Flashing Lights
Yeah it's by FAR the best hip hop tune of the year. Everything you want Kanye to do, bigger and better. Withough crap Daft Punk samples or sped up samples.

The Game-Wouldn't Get Far
2nd Best Hip Hop Tune of the year. The Game hates everyone. Oh and Kanye West sped up sample.

Justice-D.A.N.C.E.
Does this one count? or is this an 06. Well fuck it the album finally came out, and nothing tops this one's catchiness.

Simian Mobile Disco-It's The Beat
Same as previous entry.

MIA-Bamboo Banger
Um she mixed, Bollywood, the droniness of XR2, and the Modern Lovers. It's a can't miss.

Tegan and Sara-Back in your Head
Strange haunting piano, good beats, and Sara's cryptic, haunting voice, that just kills you.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Down Boy
Hey the Yeahs are back with violent intentions. And they make great EPS Boards of Canada style.(just not full albums i guess)

Bjork-Earth Intruders
here's the real lyrics/undertone of the song... "The Knife ripped off my shit, let me bitch slap you into place, and show you who did this shit first."

The Icarus Line-Gets Paid
So the Icarus Line prove themselves as the only rock band in America that seems to never take shit from anyone. Again. And now they sound more like the Warlocks. Pissed off sludgy rock and roll, it's about time.

Bonde Do Role-Bondallica
This song could be about terrible vegetable fucking, for all I know.(Since all their lyrics are dirty) But, this is prob the best new dance jam from them, now that they can't use Alice and Chains samples anymore.

Art Brut-Saint Pauli
Ah I give em pass on the new album. This song is great live, however that album still DIRELY NEEDS more Steve Albini.

Camera Obscura-Super Trouper
Leave it to CO to make an Abba song hauntingly depressing and beautiful.

Alright so there you go, do some hunting, complete the collection. Feel free and comment. Anything I missed can be on ze end of the list

A triumphant return to blogging...

2007-09-05T00:48:00.000-05:00

Despite being in a good mood due to my current viewing of The Best Of The Electric Company and writing half decently today... it has come to my attention that I must address something AND actually blog for once.(Hey I've almost finished 3 new stories, that's consumed my energy.)
Today I must comment on the so-called RISE OF NERDS. Didn't you know nerds are cool again. Hollywood tells us so. It's in USA Today, it's got to be true. I mean it's like glasses, converse, and skinny white dudes with bad bowl cuts, they're so rad. And I use rad in the cool new ironic way, not in like the much more interesting 80's BMX movie way.
Just fucking stop ok. This nouvelle vague of nerd comedies totally pisses me off. All these so called indie films that are oh so quirky(started with Garden State) and big bombastic comedies with nerdy characters(I'm looking at you Superbad). For example every film has to have some character that just isn't quite right. He's not just an alcoholic. He's an astronaut with a saran wrap wallet who's a lovable eccentric. And then of course there's your shy shaggy haired hero who are as stereotypically gangly and white as 80's porn stars were Big boobed and blonde. Oh wait then there has to be an actress who is prettier than most of her contemporaries, but unconventionally so she's believably in the league of aforementioned gangly boring guy.(I have an idea lets give her glasses) Sometimes they throw in a Hillary Duff(used to be Jennifer Love Hewitt) type for them to chase unrequitedly for awhile as well.
Now for the comedy formula itself. Dick joke, Poon Joke, Erection Joke, Nerd Joke, nerd joke, sexual inadequacy joke, dick joke, strange fantasy sequence of girl, booze/drug scene, guy gets girl or total swerve he strikes out but is better for it. Did I miss anything.

I don't want to hear anymore about how Judd Apatow and that faker from Napoleon Dynamite are making nerds cool and funny. You know what that's like, it's like Limp Bizkit making a DEVO album and saying that's one great nerd rock album. A bunch of old fucking squares telling me they understand the loneliness and alienation of being of misunderstood teen or having people tell you you're crazy for thinking Wire is a great band.

But, wait it's got to be COOL. There are NERDS in it. YOU LIKE NERDS right! It's nerdxploitation is what it is. Like when more old, fucking squares decided they knew lots about black culture and thought they could make movies about "groovy, hustlin cats." You know when the whole possibility of having cool nerd characters ended? When Adam Brody character on the O.C.(a show that actually was smart for it's first season) 1. chose against smart beautiful nerd Anna Stern for buxom Hollywood type Summer Roberts and 2. woke up in season 2 and said "Whoa I woke up today and saw Death Cab on Rolling Stone and comic books in every multiplex."

Ugh it's time for them to just fucking stop. Stop with this bollicks. And STOP with Will Ferrell movies. Go watch the Riches or some Godard or perhaps some old In Living Color episodes. Or even go see the Ten, at least that's an interesting "indie" comedy. Of course none of you did, you were all too busy seeing Superbad weren't you?
And don't give me shit, oh you haven't seen it, you don't know, Superbad was wicked awesome.(cuz by seeing these films that's how you might as well be using wicked like some faux 90's member or Marky Mark's Funky Bunch). You're right I haven't seen it. Because I can hate it sheerly for the principle of the matter. For example I don't need to see the fucking new version of Halloween by "vaunted" film hack Rob Zombie to know it's total fucking crap, because of the principle of the matter. It just shouldn't have been made. It's the same thing with SB, the principle of the matter has me pissed off and frankly these films are played just like the aforementioned Limp Bizkit always fucking were. So please I fucking implore you, leave us disaffected nerd types alone, and just keep it real by making some nice frat boy pissing himself while trying lose his virginity comedy. That's all I ask.

People are stupid. But Haim is not.

2007-08-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

"Mcs wanna eat me, but it's ramadan" Foxy Brown

Yes I broke out something from older serious writing and you should've enjoyed it damn it, especially since I work hard as balls for you people. So before I write for about 8 hrs straight on Flash Carnage (now with bonus tracks/ I mean stories) you get one. And there will be more literary blogs, so strap in, but not today. I have to do enough of that shit today.

In a bizarre week that involved getting a kiss on the cheek from a thankful bum(yes it was chick,), a strange eve at Headhunters:Tiki Bar! and far too many Isobel Campbell albums, perhaps the strangest event involved the moving of a car. Yes that's right I say that literally moving a car.
So I'm reading about an article that proclaims how Franz Beckenbauer(The Kaiser. he played defense for Bayern Munich for the soccer illterate) is the greatest defensive player ever, and I hear a bunch of spinning tires and dudes yelling. It sounds like someone is repoing a car. I'm kind of like whatever. But, then I notice out the window, that there is a car backing right toward my window. Like pretty damn close.
"Shit!" I said backing away from the wall.
So I go upstairs look out the other window and there's a group of people out in the driveway. They've blocked the driveway AND the street with a Ryder truck that is backed up to our driveway. Now let me say again, these people don't live in the immediate neighboorhood or anything(maybe one of the condos down the street or something), but certainly not in some squatters area of this fucking property. I've certainly never seen them.
The tires are squealing as is this stupid broad who's contorting this car the way you hope all Romanian gymnasts can to the point where the car is diagonal across the whole driveway which can only mean
1. They very well might hit the house.
2. The yard is fucked.
3. They are gonna drop a gear in their shit car and get the car stuck.
So I go outside and they are like "Whoa! Hey we didn't know anyone was home. We knocked."
"What the fuck are you doing here" I yell.
"We're tryna to move this car into this truck. You wanna watch the freak show."
"It is fucking freak show, you almost hit my fucking wall. You hit the wall with this shit foundation, you might knock the fucking house down. This is bullshit." (Yes that almost has happened before, and is why there is no awning over the driveway, thank you very much Brini Lumber Company)
It was at this point I was about to go yell at an imaginary person in the house to "Liberate a gun," but I thought against it. However, some more cursing and yelling always fits the bill.
"Listen you guys got to get the fuck out of here, I don't wanna hear it."
"We're not gonna hit anything dude, we promise. If so we'll pay for it. says dude (They must have such a grandiose cash flow and are so cheap with it, that why pay for someone to just tow or move the car when you can save some of said grandiose cash flow on my
"And what if no one was home like you thought before, you paying for my shit then."
"Cmon, 5 mins, it'll be five mins." says broad.
I hate yelling at broads. I really do. And this situation was no different.
So I turn to driver dude
"Fine Git this shit done, I say. 5 fucking mins. After that fucking go. But, you hit something you're fucking screwed."
I walk back inside keeping an eye on this shit and you know what they STILL can't get the car in there. And what do they do they go across the street and try the same thing. And they STILL can't do it. Finally driveway 4, they do it 2 hrs later.
I don't even know what to say about people like this. Maybe people really are getting dumber. I don't think I would use someone elses house to move my shit car or boat or whatever. It's just dumb and inconsiderate. People are stupid. That's my contention.

Oh, Bourne Ultimatum was one of the better "dudes walking around talking in hushed tones" films I've seen. But, I'm sick of the Paul Greengrass school of filmmaking. Basically in requires a hand held camera that makes the camera work of druken, blonde party girls look like Christopher Doyle.(he's the DP of Wong Kar Wai's films. Go see some of them.) Damon is solid, as is the story, but that whole Julia Stiles(still looking the spitting image The Insider's fav porn star-Sasha Grey) trying to be Franka Potente lite, which just DOES NOT work. Anyway, it's good. A dash overrated, but good.

Alright so I owe Two Coreys. 4 Episodes Worth!
So Haim is broke and an actor and of course who's going to give him a place to stay-Corey Feldman! Of course, Feldman's wife is a big racked wanna be actress who's training her nips off trying to stay with them.(And trying her best Cheryl Hines/Curb Your Enthusiasm annoyed impression. In fact she should totally say "Haim!" the way Hines says "Larry!" so well, then she would be indispensable.) So in episode 1, Haim plays unruly house guest. He smokes, he's a slob, he talks shit to everyone. He hits on their important house guest(a red haired Isla Fisher look alike/Peta member.) Anyway, I'd say more, but for a "scripted reality" show, it seems faker than an actual "scripted sitcom." The highlight easily comes when Haim is trying to convince the Peta girl into the hottub and finding out she has a boyfriend, only to try and get her boyfriend to cook him(Haim) dinner.

Ep 2 isn't bad. It's the Lost Boys reunion episode. And the whole episode is Haim talking about how they gotta make a sequel, they gotta make a sequel. "We can write it dude!" he says for much of his dialogue. The highlight easily comes when they discuss Feldman no showing a radio interview for his wifes photoshoot, and Haim yells something along the lines of "Bitch! You're not Corey and Corey. You're not one of us!"
Finally at the end we get the big realization by Feldman that there will be a Lost Boys 2 and Haim wasn't invited to participate. Of course they have a good scripted cry and it's funny for all the wrong reasons.

Ep 3. Corey and Corey quit smoking! Feldman's smoking again and blaming it all on Haim. So of course Feldman's hippy new age wife(I guess implants aren't against hippiedom,veganism, and natural living.) has em go to a hypnotist and a sweat lodge. Now both should be really funny, but they really aren't. If anything the hypnotist=boring. Sweat lodge=too uplifting. Haim:"You were just jealous that I got License to Drive"
Feldman:"Oh yeah says the man who was jealous over the Goonies."
Haim:"Ha you know why I didn't get Mouth in that movie. They said I wuz too good looking, kid."(Best line of the show.)

Ep 4.
It's Haim's birthday. They want a strip club party for Haim, his mom wants a Ice Rink party. Then Haim has a heart ailment and it becomes the classic 80's "Very Special Episode" of Two Coreys. The only question I have is, if he's really having heart problems(I'm talking storyline wise here) do you really think writhing Canadian strippers are the answer to a good birthday?"

Alright so the verdict. It's not that great. I'm sorry. I was prepared to say "Hey Man, Two Coreys is awesome." But, it's not. It's not even close to Dog The Bounty Hunter. Shit, when it comes to laughs it may not even be Criss Angel Mindfreak. However, I will watch it again. Why?
Because I wanna see Haim make a comeback. You can see through all his million dollar drug problem, weight gain/loss, crazy fucked health, career suicide, that this man has fucking talent. With the right project and material he could easily make that Neil Patrick Harris comeback.(where there is no reason he should be back, but somehow he just is. And then when you see what he's actually is doing, you are like Whoa! That guy actually has talent.) I hope Haim gets his money AND another shot all from this kinda boring show, because if he can make a few moments of this shit watchable he sure as hell deserves it.

I recommend:even more Isobel Campbell albums. perhaps from the Gentle Waves era.

Curb Your Enthusiasm countdown-Next Month?

Luck

2007-08-03T04:06:00.000-05:00

Alright I know that you have been waiting for the Two Corey’s rant for episodes 1 and 2. And I will do them, I promise. But, you must wait as I bait and switch and do something completely different just for my own writer’s indulgence complex.

I found myself walking, baking my brain in 100-degree weather, in a futile attempt to escape. I wondered quietly in the circuits of my inner mind and aloud to the bemusement of passerbys about how bad luck seemed to have grabbed my current being. It felt as is I was foiled at every turn like the Hamburglar, perhaps Dastardly and Muttley.
So what is luck?
Some have said, “It’s where preparation meets opportunity.” Bollocks.
The Happy Mondays said, “I wrote for luck, they send me you.” Shaun Ryder may have been onto something with that total frustration/philosophical idea if he hadn’t been talking about fucking drugs the rest of the song.
Maybe luck is for all those things you can’t control or just aren’t big enough for a prayer or incantation? Like when you’re watching Match Game 73’ and Richard Dawson is on it or you’ve parlayed some absurd two-dollar trifecta into a hundred dollars at some podunk West Virginian track.
No matter which version you take, I was shit out of it. I sat down in front of some teriyaki and thought about it as I thumbed through a new Murakami book. “I can’t possibly be so out of fucking luck. Did I grab a tiki god off the beach in Hawaii? There’s got to be a voodoo curse! Does that affect luck or perhaps kept my health fucked up a month ago? Jaysis, man there just had to be a way to change my luck.”
A rabbit’s foot? Nothing says doing better in your life than hacking a long foot of a cute holiday mascot.
Lucky pennies? They seem to have found their way into piggybanks or people’s carpet, because I certainly hadn’t picked one up in forever. You know have bad luck, when you only run into heads down pennies.
Then it hit me. Four-Leaf Clover. Surely you jest, you might scoff. Now I realize it’s become one of those things that has been glommed onto every Irish related item shipped to Dollar Generals and The Sharper Image.
But, just think about it for a second. A four-leaf clover? When was the last time you really saw a four-leaf clover? I thought about modern urbanity and realized that even in city parks you might see a classic double clover or perhaps the vaunted troika clover. But a four leaf clover.
I went back through my memories to remember if I had ever seen one, just growing in the wild and finally I found one in my head. I was age four and ten blocks from where I sat in front of my vacant bowl. I was in school running and bopping around shooting blaster bursts via my hand as Han Solo. I rushed hidden through a large grove of small trees, that sprawled along a cold, stone wall destroying the evil stormtroopers that hunted me and Princess Leia played by one of my kindergarten muses.
We ran together through that cool morning past the old mansion guest house where our classes were held clear to the other side where the green patches and swaying St Augustine grass bristled sharply, almost propelling us forward even faster than before.
Now, I was an X-Wing ship and she the Millennium Falcon and we flew together to take that Death Star bastards pay. We made loud whooshing sounds interspersed with more killer bursts via our arms. Our stamina never wavered as circles were made like vultures and left weird patterns in the grass with glow in the dark Keds like bees on the mate.
Time to crash. I jumped all fours, shot from the sky, sliding into home, arms outstretched to the harsh ground. Into a patch of small greens that cushioned the tear stained fall, I suddenly smiled as I looked in front of me there was a four leaf clover. Just one. A million little plants and only one stood tall enough to deserve my gaze. Just one. I reached for it gradually with my short, squat arms, my wounds crying for Bactine. They could wait, I knew what that little, cheerful plant meant; that luck at it’s finest, would become my own. I was close to it till the whirlwind swept over me and the girl grabbed the clover I had been reaching for.
“I found a four leaf clover! I found a four leaf clover!” she yelled for everyone to hear.
Our twelve compatriots rambunctiously ran over in childlike amazement of course to see the first four-leaf clover they’d seen, and I looked at the ground in frustration. If I had known that it was going to be the last four leaf clover I would see for at least 20 years, maybe I would've gone and looked too. If I had known that this girl had just gotten all the luck she could spare for like a lifetime, I probably would've cried.
Clearing my tray, I felt sad at the memory and the realization that you just never see four leaf clovers anywhere. Maybe they’ve all been picked. Maybe it was global warming that killed them. Maybe they were all stolen during a playground romp. I really didn’t know. All I knew was my luck felt like it was at it’s worst. There had to be something to change it, man I swear.
I think I sulked down the street, hands in my pockets, nothing to say, it was all just a jumbled self-abusing pain trip that nothing could…
A lucky penny!
Holy shit!
Lincoln was winking at me. Even one dose of luck could fill the tank pretty well. My head down, I smiled towards the scorching asphalt and when I grabbed it the copper was so hot it almost burned my hand. I pressed the coin hard between my thumb and middle finger to try and seal the good luck into my body before putting it in my pocket and resuming the short stroll. I felt at least a small jolt of energy and didn’t feel restless for what felt like the first time in days.
There may be those that don’t believe in luck, but I’m sure as hell not one of em'. I’ll take anything I can get in this difficult life. Any type of peace, anything that gives me that extra little bit of fight, I fully support. And even as I’ve tried to rally against the rotten luck and actually find some good luck with all the things that truly matter to me or tried to rally I’ve yet to see any more four leaf clovers. But, by the end of that long day I had found four lucky pennies, and could at least wistfully smile at the irony and luck that was now burning a hole in my pocket.

Here's where I review stuff, cuz I feel like it, all for your amusement.

2007-07-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

"We're gonna groove tonight, we're gonna feel alright. Simpsons Christmas Boogie."

So we start with Tha Simpsons Movie. I liked it. It may have been unneccesary, and a cash grab. But, it was fun. A dash long and coulda just been 4 episodes, but whatever I still got some enjoyment.
Ratatouille=EXCELLENT as well. Everything about it worked. And I'm a sucker for cooking shit. I also like how modern Pixar films never play for that cheap make the movie depressing for 20 mins that cartoons did in the 80's.(i.e. American Tale.)
However, it's creepy when all the rats run at once. I can't wait for Pixar to use their talents for evil. Perhaps with the Brothers Quay directing. Ok now I ask for too much.

Now the real movie discussion begins and ends with Sunshine the latest work from Danny Boyle. I missed his last film Millions where the kid talks to the saints. But, I have seen much of his work. And you can make the argument that Sunshine is the best work he's ever done as a director.
"Blasphemy!" yells all the Trainspotting fans. Let me address this argument first. I give him credit for making an indecipharable book(I don't want a glossary in anything I read) a good movie. But, the film isn't particularly special. If you see The Acid House(also adapted from Irvine Welsh's work) it looks and feels about the same. In fact Trainspotting isn't even as good as Shallow Fucking Grave.

Anyway, Sunshine.
First. It has Rose Byrne in it! And they've tried to take away her natural beauty away(not working, but she does look tired.)she's running and screaming from stuff, which seems to be her performance the last two films.(However she is in that new new Glenn Close show about lawyers, so I bet she won't run in terror in that one.) It also has Michelle Yeoh! This was easily my favorite film of hers that didn't involve her jumping onto a moving train with a motorcycle or beating Jackie Chan down with harsh remarks and crane style kicks. Also for the ladies, Cillian Murphy mugs and broods for the camera, every inch the live action version of every Paul Pope drawing ever.(If they ever make 100% or Heavy Liquid into movies, book Cillian.)
Two. It is as stylistically interesting and brilliant visually as any movie of possibly the last year.(Ok maybe two years. Maybe three?) You should go see it on the biggest loudest screen you can. And see it with the fewest people possible, so you can feel the claustrophobia of the whole piece. Frankly I had a kissing couple(go see Who's your caddy? you fucks if you must get your rocks off in the theater instead of at home where all the real, good shit can happen) Oh and chomping /drinking people is annoying as balls when it's Tarkovsky style 5 minutes of no dialogue. I'd say you should see it at home, but frankly the big screen matters.
Ok so here's where I bash up on two things. DO NOT GO TO THE WEBSITE. IT LITERALY SPOILS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE WITH IT'S TAGLINE. Thanks for telling me essentially what happens without me asking in house ad assholes.(This was because I wanted to know why we had to wait an extra week here in Austin to see it, which was fucking garbage by the way.)
Second. I'm officially coining a new term. You saw the Sorority Boys turnaround the other week. This week it's the Danny Boyle I don't know how to write a fucking third act. I warn you that if the movie were not so stylish and interesting in the first hour, that this would have made the movie TOTAL SHIT. It is confusing, convoluted, and makes ZERO sense in the scope of the film.
I'll tell you what I've learned in all the writing I've done, If you are going to have something happen at the END, set a precedent for it happening OR have a scene explaining how the hell this could possibly happen.(They're called evil monologues look into them Boyle.) I swear this is like the 8th film this year that left me saying HOW did that happen? It's as if Hollywood script doctors have forgotten that you have to make things clear so the audience can gasp! follow the story. And It's not as if they are trying to make some obtuse Godard freak out movie where he's trying to fuck with you and make a political argument or a Tarkovsky slow moving unclear dense masterwork, it's just fucking laziness.
Anyway the movie is beautiful and fully realized on a style level, it's just confounding in a madenning way in the third act. So you should see it. Maybe you can fucking explain it to me and how it works.

A few side notes.
Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh, and Ingmar Bergman. RIP
Bergman=genius. Snyder=Brilliant interviewing style that every cable show tries to achieve but will never come close to replicate. Walsh=I def enjoyed watching you thrash the Broncos in the first Super Bowl I remember watching.

Lindsay Lohan carnage. So she took my advice and passed on the nudity. Huzzah! Too bad the film TOTALLY bombed. How sad it really might be over.(Oh well fuck it, they can always replace her with Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert, or perhaps even Hayley Duff.)

Previously on Baio did the Broads
Baio hangs out with Julie Mccullough/the nanny from growing pains who proclaims in her strong dusty Southern accent "You cheated on me so much, I had to have my first AIDS test." And then he apologizes and she's shocked.
(Ok so no one has gotten this episode for me, so I'm just going off highlights.)

Ze Episode Troika Recap
So Doc Allie asks him about his type
He's like blonde, big rack, nice body, warm, kind, no bigger than 5'6.(See that makes me a perfect wingman for Baio, cuz we have opposite types. Ballin!)
She's like, well how about I send you to some people that make scientific matches, and while he's skeptical he goes ahead and does it.
And that takes us to Baio meeting these two Russian women who have matched over 500 couples to marriage. Of course he's brought letcherous Johnny V with him and the broads tell him to fuck off.(Ok they say sit down and shut up.)
So they go over types again, and strangely Baio seems fascinated by their process.
Next up Scott goes to talk to Summer Quinn. Ok she was Jamie Powell first, but she'll always be Summer Quinn to me. I remember many the Sunday mornings at the ages of 8-10 eating danish watching her brilliant bobbed hair and anime style super deformed rack size to body proportion. sigh*
Oh wait Nicole Eggert was also Mrs. Corey Haim, I totally forgot that. That ruins it all right there.
Anyway, so Nicole tells Baio about how she ran into "Bridget" and Baio is like Who the fuck is Bridget?
And she's like you dated her, when we were on the show. She was a playmate. She was around all the time. She and I still know each other.
Baio looks confused.
Finally he's like Shit man that's the problem, I don't even remember some of them.
Next up Nicole is swinging cutely with her dog and she's like Remember how the playboy magazine was like a mail order Sears catalog and you would want one and then next thing you know they were there.
Baio:Whoa me and Bibleman totally did that
Nicole:Well this is how I guess I got so wild was seeing you guys party it up
Baio: Great Role Models We Were
Anyway, the scene was good, because they are still friends which makes me the Charles and Charge DVD owner happy.
Next up, poker game with tha hangers on.
The main point is asshole Johnny V getting some silconed up stripper to break up the game and writhe over him and Baio gets pissed off, but is nice to the stipper and gives her 200 bucks to leave.(Ah old habits die hard for poon hounds like Baio and Sheen. You just pay em to leave not for the sex.) Of course he's kinda mean
SCIENCE! Thomas Dolby style
So Johnny and Baio wait for the blind date, if she's not hot Johnny stays, if she is, he leaves immediately.
And the verdict...
Using the scientific Scott Baio school of shallowness...
The date is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY hotter than his current girlfriend. For example, his current girlfriend is like one of those burned out Beauty Queens who look one step away from a Bowling Alley Pageant. They just depress you. This new broad is an illustrator who seems nice and easily has good days ahead of her.
He spend his time finding little things about her he doesnt like, and frankly they are absurd.(Nicole had told him perfect doesnt exist. He certainly didn't listen.)
However the reasoning is much more about being totally enamoured with his girlfriend. Which he kinda admits.
Next time on Baio did the broads...
He meets his girlfriend's daughter who is 17. And she has a Southern accent! And she's breaking his balls! And she scarily looks like in a year she'll be the kinda broad Baio will pray upon!

We need a new countdown:
Um Curb Your Enthusiasm is supposed to be coming back-1 month maybe?

PJ hits you in the face.

2007-07-25T00:21:00.000-05:00

In honor of Callie's blog, where she showed this artist no love on her list of rockingest females.(I'm sure this was a minor oversite Cal, I have a feeling you love her already.), I'm writing one about this artist.

That't's right this one is about PJ Harvey. For all you peeps who don't know her
She's the awkwardly pretty, vicious, British chameleon who's been putting out records for about a decade or so now.(I believe she's in her late 30's now.) From Glam, to electronica, to fragile brokenness, to angry soul exposing songs, PJ has created a career reminiscent of 70's Bowie where she has moved so fast you can never catch up to what she will do next and constantly reinvented herself and the music around her.
Now I do this because it seems that as Polly Jean has gotten older, so has her fanbase, without any new youths boosting her up. Look at the myspaces of women across ze world, and who do you see as female "rock" idols in the music section? Jenny Lewis. Neko Case. Karen O. Ani Defranco. Peaches. and GASP! Ashlee Simpson.

So lets discuss some of these other "rockers."
Lets go in random order.

Peaches was good like 80 yrs ago before she ever realized she would make a second or a third album. To quote Silky Johnson on Chapelle Show "Bombed out and depleated like Afghanistan." There are only SOOO many sex songs you can do. I'm still waiting for her to do her next album with tha same bombed out 2002(last date she was actually good) low ebb electro beats and song titles like The Dirty Sanchez, I'm the Boss(Do the Tony Danza), and Chili Dogs at the State Fair. She's no PJ. You want a PJ sex song. here u go.

Karen O. is still a great singer, despite one of the more disappointing sophomore albums in recent memory. If nothing else her sin is causing far too many wannabe broads to dress like her.(think 1984 Madonna.) I'll give her another chance, but even then she will never record something as great as icy and mean as this no matter how hard she's been trying.

Neko Case. Great Singer. Hot. But, lets face it there is no danger in her songs. No adventure. What REALLY seperates Neko from Rosanna Cash, Aimee Mann, or even Shawn Colvin? Not that much. She's better than them, but she's also not PJ. You wanna see a soulful bluesy singer, see it here.

Ashlee Simpson=Hot. Good TV actress. Does that equal singer or rock star. I'm sorry it doesnt. Never be close to PJ. So no need for a video.

Jenny Lewis. Listen, I'm arguably the biggest J.Lew mark this side of California, considering I've seen the Wizard like 20 times. And her tunes are cutesy in that folksy Americana way you have to appreciate. But, PJ will stomp her back into modern fucking times all over her with leather boots.

Ani Defranco is and I quote "the anti-christ." She makes Good Charlotte and Bright Eyes look like Jesus and Moses respectively. Ani Here's what really pisses me off. She and PJ are like the same age, yet girls my age and younger still are finding out about her. Why? It seems as if most broads who say PJ is great are like 30 something now, yet teen broads still love that "I'm not a pretty girl" garbage. PJ isn't pretty, she just stands up and makes herself a larger than life character so you want to fuck her. And just so I don't get shit about needing a calendar by putting up only old PJ vids, here's a pretty new one that proves her ferocity seems even stronger nowadays.

The proof's in the vids. So here's your chance youths, rock out with PJ make your life better. Now if only we could get some younger peeps into some Stereolab records, we can rock out and then have a brilliant time dancing.

Lets all leave Lindsay Lohan alone.

2007-07-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

"Why you showing those coochie lips, getting out ya car. Paparazzi hanging around you bitch you know you a superstar."- Spankrock

I was requested to do a celebrity rant the other day and per the request I'm doin it. Plus since I can't see Sunshine STILL(stupid NY and LA early opening dates) and my back has hurt like a bitch today, you get one.

So what's today's top story?(it relates to the rap quote above) That's right Lindsay Lohan. For those who don't follow the Insider(home of the continuous Sasha Grey pornstar intervention), Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, or any of the shows that are LITERALLY the EXACT same 30 mins of television in different orders, Lindsay was caught DUI and Cocaine while viciously chasing her Personal Assistant's Mother, who obviously convinced her daughter to quit working for that crazy bitch Lohan.
Now before you assume I'm just going to bash up on Lindsay you're wrong, ok. She is probably my favorite Ginger superstar.(Take that Conan O'Brien.) I liked when she held knives to Vanessa Minillo, probably sharing a drunken kiss with her beforehand. I thought she looked great in her Herbie jumpsuit.And while she may have been second fiddle in Mean Girls(you all know Claudia from Party of Five owned that shit)I liked the movie.
Anyway, I actually feel bad that she is sick to the point where fresh out of "rehab", she immediately cops and uses. That's just sad. It's a fine line she's on. One step too far she's the second coming of Adam Rich(remember him?) or Todd Bridges. The rate she's going she may be well on her way to apprearing as the sexpot on a slew of Fox sitcoms starring the latest unfunny Daily Show castoff or perhaps . In fact it's the fact that she's fairly good looking that may be her comeback/total undoing. She could come back clean and looking great. Or mommy, daddy(both of whom are telefucked), sis(who thinks she can sang like every starlets sister, and drugs will cause all the money to be spent and she will be forced to appear in a soft porn that will probably be involve Cinemax, the title Mean Girls, a prison setting, and a few decent looking D list actresses to suck boobs with.
So in the interest of keeping you out of trouble Lindsay, allow me to play rehab specialist with a list of things to rebuild your career.

1. Do NOT make the patented I'm older now, I'm a serious actress, look at my rack movies. I realize your latest film is this film, but you should REALLY try and not do one. It didn't work for anyone, BUT Alyssa Milano. Put it this way, your contemporary Anne Hathaway is good looking, talented and more famous than ever, sheerly for her work in a mindless old woman film, NOT the one where she was a drug addicted rack showing teen which went straight to dvd.

2. Speaking of racks. You do not need Coke to enjoy Vanessa Minillo's rack and guys don't need it to enjoy yours. So just leave that shit in the hands of lesser actresses, say Bijou Phillips.

3. Use a Limo. Please I implore you and Paris to just pay some asshole letch to drive you around. That way if you MUST have drugs you won't get pulled over.

4. I think it's time for a something where you don't have to carry the whole film, perhaps playing the friend of Drew Barrymore in her endless parade of romantic comedies.
(Here's the formula for Drew films now. Drew acts quirky and cute, to attract a straight laced muscle bound dude, in pick your favorite town lets say Portland this time, add in a number in the pun laden title and voila you have every dude in America forced to go see it by girls they want to impress. Which equals 50 millions dollars.)

5. Cartoon Voice Over Work=Good. You can drink til you are content, look like shit and still get paid.

6. GO BACK TO THE RED HAIR. It's a fucking trademark. Like Jessica Alba's body, Ashlee Simpsons new nose, and Jordana Brewster's skin.

7. Stop showing your poon to the paparazzi. Doesn't some mongoloid like Hayden Christensen deserve a peep show instead?

8. Sex tape. Hey it worked for Paris. AND Kim Kardashian. AND Pam Anderson. As long as it's with a boyfriend and it gets "stolen," people will want to see it and they see you partially as victim. It's a win/win.

9. Thelma and Louise: The Next Generation. You, newy thin Hilary Duff, and Shia Lebouf. I'm writing it as we speak.(I'm also thinking about having that sassy Kristen Bell/Veronica Mars in it to chase you guys as the evil Buford T. Justice style sheriff.

10. Stop releasing albums.(This goes for you too Mandy Moore.)
See now there's rehab for you. That'll be 100,000 dollars a day thank you very much.

This Just In. Hanson AND Silverchair are both mounting comebacks. Why? Isn't both of these bands reuniting like The Partridge Family or The Bay City Rollers making a comeback. When the cuteness is gone, there really is no point is there?

No Baio rant because no one has uploaded it. Lame. Perhaps you will get a strange rant about horrifying film "period piece" by Giuseppe Andrews or Gymkata starring Kurt Thomas later in the week.

I recommend: Rocking out to some Pussy Galore. Just because.

This one's for the old school old school. You know the babies mama's mama's mama.

2007-07-16T23:47:00.000-05:00

"Fucked your bitch and clique you claim" 2pac.

Well ladies and gents, in honor of some of the classic readers, I bring u some classic elements. First, I bring you a review of a simple film known as It's A Boy/Girl Thing. Some of you might be saying, I've never heard of this film Ian, how did I miss it? Well quite frankly much to my chagrin and yours, it STILL hasn't come out in the states. So I had to track down a UK copy on some of the better websites out there all so I could tell you about it. Shit I even accidently downloaded a strange German dubbed version, just to try and see this. Why?
Two words. Samaire Armstrong. Now you all know that there are few things I adore more than Samaire Armstrong. From her first appearances as Anna on the OC, to her brilliant guest role on Numbers, all the way to the late millenium slasher classic Stay Alive, Samaire has continually lit up the screen with her strange beauty and whispy smoked too much voice.
Sadly there's a name on the production credits that should have told me everything I needed to know about it-Elton John.
Ok, so here's the plot. A staunch straight-laced poet girl(played against type by Samaire) switches body Freaky Friday style with a typical jock(played by the kid from Air Bud). So the opening 20 mins tells us they hate each other and we see assorted vapid side characters.(There's a token black friend, assorted plastic girls, that one weird guy who loves Samaire's character.) In fact the highlight comes when Sharon Osborne(playing a poor version of herself) cameos as Air Bud's mother in exchange for the use of an Ozzy tune later. Oh there are also assorted scenes of Air Bud dancing around to assorted soft hip hop tunes like Sir. Mixalot and later era Eminem.
So on a field trip to a museum a mayan God statue, causes them to switch bodies which leads to assorted, boobs/morningwood jokes. Finally after about 30 mins the real point of the movie takes shape. They hate each other and are in each other's bodies so they take it upon themselves to fuck with each other's lives. Now here's where the movie gets slightly funny. It's funny to watch Air Bud control Samaire's body and turn her into a crazed violent slut. It's funny to watch Samaire control Air Bud to total pussiness. In fact the idea was so good, I was hoping for the famous Sorority Boys turnaround*(defined below for all you newer reader).
But, THEN the movie decides they should get along and try and make each other's dreams come true and then of course fall in love, which of course makes the movie painfully fucking boring and unfunny.
So, yes Samaire looked great, and she was alright in the film, but to put it mildly, When you find yourself wishing that you were watching her Stay Alive again the movie must be really fucking bad.
Ugh When will someone make a good film starring Samaire or even Natalie Portman for that matter, I'm really sick of having to suffer through films that are beneath their talent. I guess we'll always have the OC. But, at least Natalie has this.

Nathalie Portman Rap
Uploaded by kinosam

Everytime I see that, I laugh alot. In fact that clip has fucked me up during every Natalie movie. I always think "When's Natalie gonna rap." That's why V for Vendetta is shit, no rapping. Anyway, since he's in it as well, I'm sure Andy Samberg's new film Hot Rod should make up for all the Will Ferrell films that have been masquerading as American comedy. Come on it makes a Gymkata reference for fuck's sake.

And now for the long awaited Scott Baio is 45 and Single recap. Which I will do now, in case something new and more important must be shared later in the week. Besides I have to do it, since Charles in Charge and Zapped(see it already Cal so we can discuss.) totally rule.
Here's the premise. Baio can't commit. Why? Well we don't know. That's why he's got a life coach named Doc Allie.(he calls her Dark Alley in a strange endearing NY kinda way.)
First things first, he's not broke. Yay! And he actually resembles himself/looks good.
Second The show is co-produced by Jason Hervey(Wayne from The Wonder Years) who also stars with Baio and former wrestling promoter/NWO member Eric "Eazy E" Bischoff.(See this is why u come to this blog for fucked up inside info like this.)
Baio interviews an assortment of coaches including an internal organ Feng Shui specialist and some dude who uses Sunglasses therapy "to change your view of the world"
So Doc Allie the winner of the interview competition, makes Scott 1. Go without sex for two months and 2. not see his girlfriend at all for the same amount of time.
Next we meet his crew. One dude seems cool, another is Wayne from the Wonder Years and the third "Johnny V" is like the weasily scrawnier version of John Carpenter(the Auto Focus/Bob Crane killer-not the director). The dudes bet against Scott not banging broads for two months.
So then he tells his new broad( a walking ad for NOT having plastic surgery and actually letting yourself live to the age of 40) that he can't see her for awhile. Tears fly, she wants a commitment. Who cares, onto the Robert Evans style montage of Baio's conquest's.
Next Doc Allie tells Baio to go meet with his first real love. She's married with kids , looks way better than his current chick, and for some reason he stops to get her a bucket of chicken.(No I didn't make this up. If u can call KFC chicken anymore.)
Ex-gf 1 tells Baio he's afraid of commitment, and that she learned this the six times he broke up with her for a weekend of going off and bang mad amounts of 80's playmates.
Hearing about it disgusts him, and then she says you always want the next best thing. Even if it's just the next thing.
Next up Baio gambles at Hollywood Park.(I'm jealous on that one. well that and having Nicole Eggert Baywatch era.) He wins.
According to Baio, Fame crippled his relationships. But then the bombshell. Chachi lost his virginity to Joanie in real life on a couch, after a few false starts.(he started humping the couch instead of her on accident.) Doc Allie says go to joanie.
So Scott sees his agent. We see him hang out with fellow E-Lister Clint Howard(Opie's bro) and Johnny V acts like a letch.
His agent is worried about the reality show, for some reason.
Next up on the broad reunion
Erin Moran-Joanie from Happy Days.(Who has AGED by the way)
Baio hates Happy Days reunions. He hates being called Chachi. He hates people. And like Ving Rhames he's all "Fuck the fans."
Sh
She says 1 he wanted to marry her. 2. had a small penis at the time(hahaaha talk about horrifying) and swore to her it would grow.
Baio=totally horrified at this point.
She invites him to an autograph signing she's doing, it might help him deal with it.(Ummm don't ask me how)
So what's an aging actor to do when you're penis/commitment egos have been questioned? You call the Fonz!(also what really happened not one of my snide jokes.)
Scott is like I was on TV, the pull was to great that's why I couldnt settle down and Fonzie tells him Fame is not an excuse for his problems.(tell that to the cast of Diffrent Strokes)
Autograph time-
The fans love Baio. Some dude even has BOTH of his albums on vinyl(sounds like a good gift for me this Xmas.) The highlight-
Fat Girl:Can I get a kiss?
Baio:ummm....no.... I don't know where you've been.
The other highlight is when some girl who had a guest spot on Charles in Charge fucks with him and he's talks shit to her.(Because unlike Trick Daddy-Baio hates the kidz)
Ultimately he felt good at the signing till letcherous Johnny V comes to free him in an assonine way that leads to a shouting match between Johnny and Joanie in front of the fans.
Finally Baio is sad he can't see his wifey.
And that's the end... But wait
Next Week
Strippers. Johnny V is a lackey. More 80's E listers as Ex Gf's.(including the nanny from Growing Pains, Nicole Eggert, ummm twin Playboy models).

I recommend: Albums by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Frankly everyone should have them. Here's a classic vid.

The Two Coreys countdown-12 days

*Sorority Boys Turnaround:Where a movie is utter crap for thirty minutes, but then is miraculously saved by one actor or a few coherent scenes of genius. In S.Boys case it was the brilliant work of that dude from Smallville who plays Lex Luthor who has a hilarious football sequence, dildo fight scene, mall scene that make the movie surprisingly good.

Ze olde mailbag.

2007-07-12T22:43:00.001-05:00

"It's yurflipaflagnass. It's yurflipaflagnass."- Missy Elliott

Today, I wanted to share with you some of the fascinating pieces from the old destruction company mailbag.

Here's one from a "friend" named Brian Moody who says
"Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at i@ only. I will reply with my pic."
Now come on, if the expensive bot that sends these bollocks mails wanted to use broken english and be a nice girl who wants to chat, couldn't they at least create a good Russian name like Svetlana, Ekaterina, or that hot brunette one from T.A.T.U.
Yeah some dude named Brian is really going to get me to email him when he informs me about hit niceness/hotness as a either a crossdresser or post op.
Now switching over to my myspace, I've gotten of messages from peeps and a LOT feedback.

I got this from a guy named "Will," as seen here

(I like how it not only looks like he listens to Jethro Tull, but has spent far too many weekends playing Robotron 2084.)

"hey i know this is random and all but i just had to tell everyone on my friends list about this new iphone survey i saw. check out this profile and and fill out this like 10 second survey and you can get a new iphone click here if you wanna check it out."

Thanks "Will", that's so faburific. But, it woulda been better if you had told me how you got that sweet sword.

This one's from one of our foreign readers Khorshed Upchurch
Hello, Bran de d new 2007 re au pl ei ica wat tz ches - Express w ot orldwide s pn hipp og ing available!
LIMI TED TIME OFFE pv R:
Bu qa y 2 or more wa ju tches and rec tl ieve a -25 % di fo scou bo nton your w vs hole or de der! http:/

Thank you modern world for creating a job especially for foreign methheads.

This one came from "Fallon." I officially love any broad named after a Dynasty character.
Hey there Im Fallon and I decided to message you because your profile caught my eye as someone I would like to get to know better!! I recently signed up on a new and far more provocative dating site - all you need to sign up and find me is an email to join! You can find my profile at
http://)I am under the name of sexyfallonwantstoplay. I try to stay away from using myspace because it is very restrictive and too much spam. Thanks"!
Too much spam? Myspace? No. Can't be. I like how according to spammers every broad in myspace world officially looks like this...

Yay! no get bigger penis/get girlfriend here messages this week. I guess they finally got those dirty secret paparazzi pics of me and Ashlee Simpson.

The last email is from my main man Yihang Hellender. Which is a fantastic name, I always compliment him on it when we hang out at the Beauty Bar.
Anyway, he says.
"Hello my friend! I am ready to kill myself and eat my dog, if medicine prices here (http:/.hk) are bad. Look, the site and call me 1-800 if its wrong... My dog and I are still alive :)

No need for jokes on that one folks.

I was going to address that new Interpol album, but frankly it kind of confuses me, and I'm not sure whether I want to blast it or just call it ho-hum. But, I'll let you know.

I recommend: Aw shit it's the new Curb Your Enthusiasm style program starring Corey and Corey.(it's actually imaginatively called "The Two Coreys.") And they're talking about Lost Boys 2.
What Really Happens to Child Stars

Add to My Profile | More Videos

In the I'm listening section- sorry only sports talk today, while doing thangs.
Scott Baio countdown-3.5 days
Actually fuck that PSYCH SEASON 2-Today.

In the assorted garbage section

2007-07-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

"It's still 5!"- Architecture in Helsinki

In honor of the old myspace what I'm currently listening to section. For some reason I have put on Silent Shout by the Knife for the first time in awhile. And you know what it is still pretty damn good, even though Bjork officially bitchslapped them Bumblebee style with her latest album. Now if only they would show more of their vaunted stage show to the rest of the States then maybe they would have some momentum and not be forgotten in the current glut of good dance albums.
Actually fuck that, I'd take a full tour by their electronic compatriot Annie. Don't hate, you motherfuckers know you would mark out to see her do the Chewing Gum dance and do brilliant live versions of The Wedding, Me+1, and of course Heartbeat.

Hey there's a new White Stripes album...No one cares. Actually it's not bad, but why does it seem like every White Stripes song sounds like it was written while watching a Clara Bow or Louise Brooks movie? I swear I'm just waiting for Jack White to just go ahead and write a song with either the words carpetbagger, jitterbug, or perhaps war bonds just so he can tell yet another story about times that only exist on celluloid. I honestly can't name a band(ok I can name 1, I will name them later) that has such impersonal/unfeeling songs. It never seems like there is anything close to insight into his or ex wifey's life in any tune. It would be a fucking revelation to see him do a garage rock album about being rich and marrying a supermodel, at least then it would be fucking real. At least then the lyrics wouldn't be so laboured/stilted.
Next step: replacing Meg with a drum machine, The Kills-style. Please!

So I officially got racially slurred by a faux white rapper in an SUV today. Yes I was told that "As a beaner I can suck his weiner."
Now I have to admit, I was taken aback. This was the first time I had been ever slurred as a Mexican. I must say all 0% of my Latino blood was damn offended. Actually to be honest, whack ass rhyming really offends me as a black person.

Anyway I share this story of slurring, because quite frankly on the eve of the My So Called Life DVD release, i feel the need to slur someone. No I'm not targeting Clare Danes , in her strangely new blonde tannedness because if you have seen Brokedown Palace, you'll realize she's suffered enough. No I'm not attacking Ricky(um some dude whos name I dont remember), he deserves more roles than he gets. And Raylene(AJ Langer) who was always hot, gets my affection for her work on Drexel's Class.(Also with my fav Texan non Texan Brittany Murphy.) So who does that leave? That dude who played Jordan Catalano. That's right I just feel the need to slur Jared Leto. See I was at a restaurant yesterday that forced me to endure the full 30 seconds to Mars album. Not just that stupid video where they are outsider samurai in Aeon Flux boysuits in Japan. Or that 10 minute video where they ride in limos and play at a fancy dress party where no one else is lame enough to be attending. I was forced to hear the WHOLE album. Not only is it full of meaningless postering and quiet-loud dynamics that would make even the grungiest band blush, but the general whinyness of Leto(and his oh so goth mascara wearing brother) totally makes the whole thing an exercise in unbearable madness. Needless to say I felt quite sick after the meal, but then i laughed and felt better as I realized that this debacle of an album may not even be his worst/most embarrasing moment for all to see.

I'd say the words Panic Room say it all.

I recommend: This clip (credit G. Rog.)

Scott Baio countdown-4.5 days.

The Trans On Cheshire Bridge Were Way More Interesting...

2007-07-06T00:05:00.000-05:00

“Do It Good Good Good Good Good Double Double Good Double Double Good.” -Happy Mondays

So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.

And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.

I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.

Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days

I seriously doubt that Ice-T could die harder than Bruce Willis

2007-07-04T23:24:00.000-05:00

Alright peeps. So the old address is active again. Say What! (The Rapture style). Frankly, I was sick of talking about old bands and old bands alone. Having a focused topic blog is boring. If you want to talk to me about old bands, I’m ready and available to do so at a bar of your choice. (As long as it’s not a boring/crap bar.) So I’m bringing the old school style of blog back. The popular form of this blog, where I discuss why this band is good. what happened on fine programs. why this movie=garbage. I’m like that cute broad from USA Today, without the Chuck Taylors and age and with more cuteness and meanness and lots of parenthesis. (That’s not a swipe at that blog; I actually like that one, ok. And no I’m not linking to it, because you’re here for my rantings.)

First things first. We need a new program to recap/discuss on occasion. Previously we had the OC and Rebelde(tha Spanish OC). So if you have any suggestions of something I should download/tape/actually watch live (gasp!) then comment or email me. And yes it can be total crap. If nothing else, it’ll probably be that Scott Baio is 45 and single show, since he does rule and all. (Perhaps I’ll wear the classic fucked up iron on Baio shirt in honor of the new program.)

For the first Vikings stand up! Award (awarded whenever necessary and sponsored by the Go! Team) Maggie Q.

She gets it because at this blog we support mixed actresses who play hot, evil bitches extremely well in films such as Live Free or Die Hard.

Now speaking of Live Free or Die Hard. I know all of you are saying I bet Ian really hated it. He’s going to tee off on it in rare fucking form. The plot was lame. The title was shit. It has that fucking “I’m a mac” guy the ladies seem to have some bizarre fascination with.
And you not what, you’re wrong. I like the movie. In fact it was awesome. Yes the title is shit, but Bruce Willis is not. In fact he probably deserves an Oscar. (Gasp!) Ok let’s not go that far. BUT, I guarantee you won’t find someone more valuable to their movie. It’s like the old sports argument, is the MVP the best player or the person most valuable to their team? And frankly Bruce Willis doesn’t deserve the Oscar per se, but I guarantee he made a potentially disasturous fucking Die Hard into something really fun and credible. Here’s why.
First reason: No one says “Dick Head” better than Bruce.(especially since the movie is PG-13 and he can’t really say fuck.)
Second reason: His dialogue while sometimes poorly written works PERFECTLY in that classic one liner/harsh diatribe/evil dude mockery way that California’s Governor perfected in the all time classic Commando.
Third reason: Die Hard has always been the revisionist version of the unkillable superman movies. This one is no different. What separates Die Hard is the fact that despite all these great feats, the main character ALWAYS ends up with nothing and a shitty life. There’s a sense of brokenness about Bruce Willis’s performance that makes his character believable, despite the action being ABSURDLY over the top. (How’s that for a film school style assessment?)

So the movie itself is fun. It’s garbage. But it’s fun. It made be too long. The action may go so OVERKILL that is almost numbs the mind, but it doesn’t matter since Bruce, “Mac” guy and Maggie Q are good.
BUT, the main bad guys should’ve had a Boris Badenov style accent to add to the campyness. And the broad from Black Xmas who played his daughter is like Jordana Brewster lite. She kept me wishing they had just put the genuine article in there. And one of those last action scenes was strangely so overkill it left me sick and wishing it wasn’t in there.
If nothing else Die Hard 07’ at least delivered, unlike such anticipated films such as lets see…hmmm… Grindhouse. It’s probably neck and neck with 28 Weeks Later for the finest kinda bullshit movie/total awesomeness of the year.

Now one more important topic. The Verve have gotten back together. In case you didn’t see that so well, I’m gonna put it in ALL CAPS. THE VERVE ARE BACK TOGETHER. Original lineup. Ashcroft, McCabe, Salisbury, Jones.(Simon Tong was not an original member and frankly he’s far to busy with Good Bad and Queen to give a toss anymore.) Tour. Album. It’s all happening. And there’s a good chance it’ll even be good since Ashcroft is arguably singing the best he has in years.(Just download Cry Till The Morning off his last album and tell me that he’s not singing at A Northern Soul level of vocaldom.) Who needs Portishead reuniting(whose new album is almost getting into G&R Chinese Democracy/Michael Jackson Invincible territory of taking forever with lots o money spent). Shit I don’t even need a Bloody Valentine reunion if I’m gettin the Verve. Ok that may be stretching. I’d rather have em both back. And while I’m at it; Can we get the good, danceable Primal Scream back? You know me, I’m like Veruca Salt when it comes to some things. “I want today, I want tomorrow…” Ok I won’t sing the whole “Give It To Me Now song.”

I just realized this blog has been gone so long Jordana Brewster is married now. Shit! Perhaps someone else will have to claim her

Ok I recommend the Simian Mobile Disco album Attack Decay Sustain Release. I know everyone is going to say Justice this and Justice that, which makes sense since they are the new Daft Punk and all. And their album has my fav new rapper, Uffie on it too. However the better dance album for those who didn’t dance their asses off to all of Simian’s singles last year, Attack Decay is by far the better more accessible album. It’s the Beat, Hustler, it’s singles like those actually put much of the Justice album to shame. Now if you’ve heard all those songs before, the album won’t surprise you, but otherwise you’ll freak out about it.(Not that it’s not good if you’ve heard those tunes) And yes u have to grab this the non pay band way since it won’t be out in the states till September. You also need to add some of the other early singles that weren’t included on the album for some weird reason.(say Duke of Casio, Piggy In, and Clik to name a few.)

And now I leave u with a new countdown

Countdown to Scott Baio is 45-----13 days

Comment now. U must or I will hunt you down.

And now without further delay

2006-12-22T02:40:00.000-06:00

The top 25 tunes of the year. download. comment. argue. agree. obey. recognize.
In random order

1. Lets Make Love And Listen To Death From Above by Cansei De Ser Sexy
Lets be clear, unlike most peeps I think the CSS album is up and down and since Alala's opening rips Boss Hog's "Ski Bunny" off abit too much for my taste, so I'm picking this one. Those are all good reasons, but the best reason is the song is unstoppable. Hipster references, check. Funky bassline, check. Cute members/video, check. Strange cheerful electronic gurgling beat, check. U get the point, the song couldn't fail, ok, it's still great, 6 months later.

2. XR2 by M.I.A
Two years in a row(you can make the argument she should be on three years in a row) M.I.A is in. Gone is the old reggaton esque beats. In with the dark minimal Egyptian Lover esque rhymes and dance beats. It is strangely hypnotic and will blow up GIGANTIC when the actual album comes out.(Unless they release one of the rumored Timbaland/MIA collaborations first.)

3. 300 Bars and Runnin by the Game
The Game hates everyone. He tells you so in the MOST GRANDIOSE hip hop song ever, a 15 minute diss track about why 50 cent and haters are shit. The song has like 20 samples, some good lines, and so much outright hate, it's deserves it's respect.

4. The Songs That We Sing by Charlotte Gainsbourg.
Wow, Charlotte owns the world. First, Science of Sleep and now a song that rivals some of the finest work by her brilliant parents.(i.e. Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin.) Anyway, Air does the production, Jarvis Cocker(Pulp) and that dude from the Divine Comedy did the lyrics, so you can't go wrong. The song itself just sounds big, with it's church bells style rhythm, jangle pop feel, and

5. Silent Shout by the Knife
Yes, I'm the one that said The Knife is like when Bjork was good. And yes, I always say Like A Pen is their best tune. BUT.
1. This is the single. and 2. I'm so sick of talking about the fucking Knife, similar to Bjork's rise, they are getting abit played.
They still deserve to be on here.

6. Bad up your betterness by The Presets
And now the elitist card gets played. If you want to talk about a band that sounds like the Knife, but is arguably better. You can talk about the Presets. They are Australian and they sound like Gary Numan.(Sometimes like an excited Gary Numan.) Nuff said. And I have no idea what single they have, I've only heard the album.

7. Lindsay Lohan by Spank Rock
It's true, put that pussy away Lindsay it looks like a dead rat. Dload the song if u can find it, since it's not really on the album.
Oh yeah, I forgot the description. Dirty rapping meets glitchy electronics and heavy bass.

8. Special by Mew.
They're 80's. They're Danish. They have bad album covers.
They also have interesting rhythm, harmonies and tunes that just stay in your hair. It's kinda like Yes's best work, pretentious, but too good to ignore.

9. Parenthesis by The Blow
Man, that girl from the Blow is cute. The songs are cute. The beats are cute.(Actually kinda harsh too.) This song is my favorite love song of the year by far. When you're holding me, we form a pair of parenthesis. Brilliant.

10. Circle Square Triangle by Test Icicles
What a fuckin waste. That's really all I need to say. It was such a great rock song with weird rapping and rhythm to go with the great angular guitar. What a waste, the band broke up, ALREADY.

11. Woman by Wolfmother
It's been everywhere and that Deep Purple style riff still sounds great. Afroed Australians make good music. I'm not really about hearing about unicorns and shit, but at least Wolfmother rocks out when doing so.

12. Let's Get Out Of This Country by Camera Obscura
Tracyanne Campbell is the Scottish Astrud Gilberto and the band has kind of a Scottish indie rock/honky tonk vibe. They really are great, u should get ALL of their albums. I just had to pick the best new song

13. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor by Arctic Monkeys
Yes they are the Libertines-lite. Yes I said I wouldn't mention them anymore, but they still are good. If nothing else that Musikladen style video they made for this song gets it on here.(That's not even talking about the actual brilliant lyrics and playing)

14. Me and U by Cassie
Cassie is in because I like the screw tape Banananrama beat, the hot nature of the lyrics, the hot nature of Cassie herself, and the fact that you couldn't escape it on radio or the club.(The Janet Jackson Pleasure Principle style video didn't hurt)

15. Emily by Joanna Newsom
She no longer sounds like a 5 year old!(or Fievel as Gosey Wales says) Yes! I like the new control she has over her voice so it is more unique than annoying and The fact that she's studied composition makes her work more impressive. It's like a 10 minute song of harp and strings so getting Van Dyke Parks on there doesn't hurt. Simply put it's interesting music.

16. Whole World by Aloe Blacc
It's by FAR the BEST R and B song of the year. It's got that kinda 60's back beat mixed with a REALLY Icy tune, but all of the lyrics are beautiful and warm odes to great music and musicians. This song's non props on Black radio and TV really bugs me.

17. Smile by Lily Allen
You knew that bratty lil white Brit had to be on here.(And no I don't mean the SOV who is so played, we will not discuss her anymore until after her fucking TRL appearances are over. Elitist card appearance #2) Lily is just as bratty as SOV, but her reggae style is just so different than what most pop stars are doing. It's smooth, yet plucky.(yes i know that description sounds more like a wine than a tune.)

18. Boy From School by Hot Chip
Best dance tune of the year. It fits in those early morning in your pad sessions and the 4 am afterhours scene. Don't give me shit about not putting Over and Over on here, it has nothing on Boy From School.

19. Tetang Cita by White Shoes and The Couples Company
They are the Indonesian Stereolab, but even more 70's. It reminds of that old Boards of Canada description "It sounds like old pictures coming to life." And besides it's just so cheerful and optimistic in that old Burt Bacharach way, you have to love it.

20. The Decision by Young Knives
Proof again Andy Gill deserves royalties on every post punk song(aside from the ones PIL and Raincoats did). He produced this one, and the YK's go to fucking town. Weird vocals meet a killer guitar tone. They are English, snotty, and have a bassist named the House Of Lords, get the album before the played domestic version comes out.

21. Sofa Song by The Kooks
You could put the whole first side of this album on this list. Catchy, kinda frantic, obsessive. Kooks are the new Supergrass.

22. God Knows by El Perro Del Mar
It's just so damn depressing. It's just so 60's girl group/Wall Of Sound. It's just so damn good.

23. Magick by the Klaxons
I'm not the biggest "new rave" fan, but if the Klaxons keep making new songs like this one I will be. It's mean like the Mondays, but has some absurd fast live drums on it.

24. Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me by the Pipettes
I'll stay with what I said last time. Scottish Girl Group meets Phil Spector meets mad fun dancing. You can't beat that

25. Shoot the Runner by Kasabian
Hey, they already are the younger Primal Scream. Now they wanna be Oasis when they were good. Danceable madness

Tha 3rd Live OC Rant

2006-12-14T20:01:00.000-06:00

Chrismakah time. Again.Time for joy. U know the rules about commercials and we get the live recap/opinions.

Is it me or does Ryan look closer and closer to Kirsten's age with each passing episode? He barely seems like he could be her son anymore.
Ryan has found a card post dated from Marissa.
Julie and Caitlyn straight out of Riverside. It's about time they goes back to Julie's hood.
Taylor bought Ryan the George Foreman grill because he likes lean meat. She is indeed lean meat, I saw the Stuff mag, Damn indeed.
Taylor and Ryan fight on a ladder(not Jet Li/Once Upon A Time In China style) and fall to unconsciousness.
Hey a new verion of California, it must be on that cover album of OC tunes. It actually sounds abit better, I'll find our who it's by in break 2.

Break one: Lets Build a Zoo by Saint Etienne

And we are in Bizarro Newport.(I assume Taylor has travelled with him.)
Kirsten(still head of the Newport Group) doesn't recognize Ryan. She banishes him from the house.
Julie does Charity work. It really is bizarro world. I think that was one of the bums from the Thanksgiving episode.
Seth is bullied by Luke's brothers, similar to the ULTRA NERDY way he acted in the pilot episode.
Sandy is the mayor-recognize. He thinks Ryan is stalking him. Ha

Meanwhile in the real world...
Taylor and Ryan are in the hospital.

Meanwhile back in Tron(I mean Bizarro Newport)
Taylor and Ryan find each other and are happy since they at least recognize each other.

Break 2:c'est a lamour by Francoise Hardy and
Side Streets by Saint Etienne(Wow they came up again)

So the cover version of California is by Mates Of States, who I hate, but not as much as fucking Phantom Planet.

Taylor says they are in a parallel universe. She is mad still that Ryan kinda dissed her.
Summer is getting married and is acting like she did in the earliest Summer. And isn't that Holly aka the one who did Luke? She's marrying Che? What? Couldn't it have at least been Luke?
Speaking of Summer it's official. She's lost at least 10 pounds, cuz in the early episodes(just seen again by me while typing the book up) she is crazy tan and buxom. I miss that Summer.(despite Anna being crazy thin and me loving it.)

And now we see Che is a player, he cheats on Summer. Taylor knows it.
Kirsten and Jimmy are married. how did that happen? Wouldn't a divorce have fucked up Sandy's election?
Oh wait, Sandy is married to Julie. Now that is funny. And Che's screwing her on the side.
Taylor sees Julie treating him like a dirty spanking sub.
Marissa is alive and at Berkeley, so they tell us.
Taylor's theory is they must fix what's "wrong" with Bizarro Newport to get back to the original world.

Meanwhile in the real world...
Caitlyn says they will be having "a Britney Christmas." That's a good one.
Kirsten gets the miraculous Marissa letter that fell out of Ryan's pocket in the ambulance

Bizarro Newport
Ah bait and switch on the Marissa thing, It's Caitlyn who is a prodigy and returning from Berkley. She says Marissa OD'd in the alley in Tijuana(because there was no Ryan to pick her up and carry her to safety.I totally just saw that one yesterday)

In a good style thing for this episode, they seem to only be using cover versions of pop songs, ie the Theme and Paranoid Android by Radiohead.

Another break:The world of Sex by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion

Bizarro Newport
Taylor tells Ryan how much he's done for everyone in the real world.

meanwhile in the real world
Seth thinks they are in a parallel universe as well. He thinks they must accomplish something to get back.(How many times are they gonna say this.)

In Bizarro Newport world
Taylor is a guy. And her ma is still evil. Ha
Bizarro Seth believes Ryan's parallel universe story. So they will work together to get him with Summer. Taylor is trying Kirsten to be into Sandy and vice versa.
How did Taylor know about Kirsten living in the mail truck? Anyway, it works she goes to talk to Sandy

Taylor sees her mom being crappy and calls her a bitch and it seems like she may be on her way back to the real world.
Julie is doing Che in bathroom and they get found by Jimmy. Who tells everyone what is going on.
Sandy and Kirsten realize Taylor is the one who told the lies that got them talking, but as soon as it happens, Taylor is back in the real world, leaving Ryan all alone and now arrested.

Another ad break Cars and Girls by the Dictators

Taylor's mom is mean as ever and seems not to care that Taylor is ok, but Taylor is actually nice to her.
Kirsten gives the letter to Julie, who opens it.
Sandy says the death of Marissa left everyone stuck, just like the show now. I'm sure they meant to reference it in this phrase.
And Caitlyn also says what we are all thinking"Taylor in a coma is a nice break" indeed.

In the real world/parallel universe:
In her letter Marissa wrote that for them to get on with their lives, she had to leave Newport,even though she loved Ryan.
As soon as Ryan read it in the parallel uni, he said goodbye to Marissa. AND not only was he in the old beach/lifeguard tower where they hung out the show went into a bomb cover of the old Mazzy Star Marissa motif/theme.
Ryan wakes up and it's the Christmakuh miracle, and everything is cool according to everyone in the room.
That closes the show.

Last ad break: DIng Dong The Witch Dead by Klaus Nomi
Next week Whoa Hercules is hitting on Julie Cooper. Is Taylor pregnant? Will Summer marry Seth?

The verdict: BEST USE OF MUSIC ON TV POSSIBLY EVER. I'm serious. Cover versions of tunes you've heard on the show before to simulate Bizarro world was a SPECTACULARLY GOOD IDEA. I realize it also works in the lets promote the covers version of our soundtrack that just came out, but it still worked. The episode was fun again, but didn't necessarily build anything crazy. And the bait and switch was semi crappy. And a quick last question. feel free and answer If Seth was still so nerdy does that mean there was no Anna?

The Partly Cloudy OC Live Rant

2006-12-07T20:01:00.000-06:00

And another week of the Live OC rant. I must burn CD's as we go along so I can write with power later on and since the show may be cancelled soon, I'm trying to show support.
Also, instead of the ad breaks i will shuffle my itunes and see what comes up because musical interludes are awesome.
Ryan dreams in 80's technicolor of Taylor Townsend dancing like husband beater Tawny Kitaen.
Aw, Summer's been suspended for a YEAR. Ouch, is that worse than losing than her rack? No it's not, I'm sorry to answer a man there, but it's true.
Ad break 1: Jocko Homo by Devo.(Wow this idea is better than the show. Are we not men?)
And we come back to a depressing montage that usually signals the end of an episode. But it's broken up by Che in his beautificent trustifarian madness. And Summer is MAD.
And another Taylor Townsend dream, this one is much more Cool Hand Luke.
Kirsten catches her kinda son in mid hard on, but luckily he's fully clothed. And she's trying to fill in as Seth, by listening and gasp! talking to him.
Kirsten is indeed right, Taylor IS cute. I'd pay to read a Anais Nin dirty version of Felicity, but only if 1995 guest starring on
DIRTY Innuendo only cuz Does Caitlyn even go to school? We never see her there. Oh wait now it's...

Harbor the Next Generation.
Perhaps they can use "Always up to no good" by Phantom Planet for the new show as a theme instead of California. And there's an asian girl, finally a non restaurant working or slutty asian on the OC.
Ryan and Taylor WILL DATE... later tonight.
Seth is in Rhode Island. Did Seth say he bought meth, brilliant, that explains Summer losing her rack.
Ryan and Taylor are having their date in the comic store(since she's filling in for Seth's shifts) and it is kinda cute.
I have to admit I haven't seen this anime they are watching, it certainly seems like a less spirited Bobobo.(Yes,I know only like one person is getting that joke.)
So Summer is in Cali, Seth is in RI, didn't they do this one before? But she told Seth the truth already, mad props on that one.

Ad break two: Double Feature by Camera Obscura. What a depressing tune, for an absurd episode.
Sandy is auditioning to be "substitute Seth" and he explains his son's whole character in one phrase which was funny I have to admit.
Seth Wants Revenge(and so does Interpol for being pilfered by those fuckers) will he go all "Ryan Atwood or Julie Cooper" as he said. It looks like no.
I like how nice Summer is to Julie considering that broad STOLE HER DADS HOUSE.(And ran him off the show which is worse.)
Caitlyn could give a fuck about the Super Sweer Sixteen moment, because she's holding her her party with mad mad booze and drugs.
Julie is hit on by that old dude who is the silent partner in her biz, he won't take no for an answer. But he has called some single men,
Is there really a biography of Fukusaku? That would be cool. Taylor is dissed by Ryan, and now she's making him jealous with Seth-Lite.
Che is in Cali to win forgiveness, but Seth is on his way back.
Does anyone know if Alex survived her trip into Brazil? Just curious, to see if anyone actually saw Turistas.

Ad Break number 3: All U Need Is Blood by Test Icicles.(Wow I miss them, what a fucking waste.)

Sandy and Kirsten are forced to endure Julie and old man Bullet at their annversary thing. And now they are horrified.

AND TWO Threesome jokes in 5 minutes. One from the fifteen year old. OUCH.

It's Summer's house? She thinks? Does she even know that Julie STOLE that shit?

OK Taylor looks BOMBNESS as rollerskater, but why does it always have to be with old 80's tunes. Oh that's right they had Ryan rep Journey in the first season. Fine continuity there.

Hey Dirty Pretty Things are the latest good British band to have a song on The OC.

Of course the Asian girl was back doing dirty shit, I take back my earlier comment.

Is that Jenna Von Oy aka Six from Blossom's sister playing Caitlyn's other friend? She looks just like her.

It's true if u are 15 and passing on Caitlyn u ARE gay.

Enough questions/statements back to the recap
Wow Caitlyn's man came out of the closet and then he's fucking Taylor's Seth Lite. that's quick turnaround. So anyway, Taylor wants Ryan to be jealous, by offering a beat takeshi action figure to the guy. Can the Takeshi-san figure do his patented stare into space/twitching thing he does so well?(Actually Takeshi IS a genius, I take that back)

Ad Break 4: First Time by Junior Boys
Seth is all violent pushing Che and tha still hand cuffed Summer into a pool, not that anyone cares in warm winter Cali.
And Caitlyn is the partier with a heart. Psych. After that harsh cell phone bit of hers she has officially carried the episode."Hello 911 I'd like to report a totally lame party." That was funny.
Winchester =Che. He's rich, how surprising. At least he has a butler like Alfred from Batman. And now he's written off into the Oliver/Alex sunset of no return.
Ryan and Taylor reunited, in a cute/out of character way. And since her character "wants to use bodies like a jungle gym," Taylor Townsend is hot.
And Julie's old man is sorry/abrasive and it's kinda funny. They got rid of Caleb for this fucking guy?
So Kirsten and Sandy will be renewing their vows.
Even at her own party Caitlyn is still alone, that is actually a rare moment of poignant sadness in this season.
Taylor and Ryan are happy and making out in the episode
Julie seems to be running an escort service on accident, or at least that is what is implied.
So Seth is staying for Summer, which is good cuz we can get rid of all that globe trotting garbage. BUT it means we won't be getting Anna for awhile.
How is Summer dumb again? Missing Seth's jokes and stuff, I thought she was smart now.

Last break before next weeks preview: Love me or Hate Me by Lady Sovereign

Its a bizarro verse OC in the Christmakah? It sounds fun, but anyone else think the show REALLY has gotten aimless?
In fact that is the verdict, AIMLESS. I'm cool with the only comedic OC, and it is fun to watch at moments, but this non drama/non storyline policy is REALLY hurting the show.

The non tape delayed OC rant.

2006-11-30T20:27:00.000-06:00

Since I'm watching on non tape delay, here is the non delay OC report. Taylor digs Ryan she's helping him with sleep disorder. Is Is it Marissa or is it the cage fighting? Boo, I was hoping Taylor was going to be waiting for Ryan in the pool house in absurd soap opera style lingerie. Sandy is playing gold with some dude I swear I saw on Perry Mason this after.(Yes the old ones, not tha revival TV films.) Summer has robbed rabbits with Che, will she be expelled? The answer will probably be no, but Che has rated her out.
Caitlyn does look hot in this episode, it's a shame they haven't brought Chris Brown(the singer) on to give her someone her age to act against/seduce.(I'm starting the online petition that's anti-Luke's brothers.) Because all the Caitlyn hitting on old dudes is just gross. But u know what's scary, Kirsten really does have a better body than all of her younger compatriots. They should let her sex it up instead of the youthful Caitlyn or also aging/good looking Julie.(who's doing young dudes the whole time, which isn't gross. See just when u thought I was going to play the old man/young woman being the only way it's ok card. Sandy is hosting benefits now? OK...missed that episode. Seth can't call Summer. Yet another way for Rachel Bilson to go off and film movies. Taylor is hurt by Ryan despite looking good, BUT a little Taylor totally goes a long way. TOO MUCH Taylor Townsend nowadays. Oh wait they kissed again, does Ryan like her? PLEASE tell me no, so we can END that storyline. Julie/Caitlyn happy in mother/daughter bliss, Ryan can sleep again after Taylor's kiss and chinese tea. Note:(literal usage not sometype of slang for poon there. The dating business is saved by Caitlyn talking mad shit to the old dude, who joins up with our sexy older dating hostesses.
So in the end it's a fun OC, just like last weeks, and probably next weeks. Which is fine, but didn't this show USED to have storylines. I thought humor was Seth,Sandy,
Man they never shoulda killer Johnny or maybe even Luke, he might be alright on there. Ok here's a different answer on how the show maybe could get better, one simple answer.(no it's not Anna, because she is always an answer.) Hailey. Bring Hailey back. She is ABSURDLY sexy. Wild, Interesting. She would be a good change of pace, since they've gotten rid of every character that is worth a damn on the show. And besides they cancelled Reunion so she may be available.

Underappreciated Legends Of Rock and Roll Vol. 2

2006-11-25T02:43:00.000-06:00

SPIKE

Ah Christine Nelson aka Spike.(played by Amanda Stepto on every incarnation of the program) She was SO New Wave. From her hairspray consuming Aimee Mann coiffure to her friend Liz that looks like "she does it," Spike was the best Canadian 80's rock and roller.(Please no Bryan Adams or Rush fans emailing me on that statement.) Now she is most famous for being the one on Degrassi Jr. High who got knocked up by Shane (aka the kid who took acid and jumped of a bridge) and decided to not have an abortion by having . And because Degrassi was so raw, they went through all of the strifes to break it down for the keedz. So for most of her remaining time on the show, which was like every episode, she had baby Emma . Spike was so important to the program, her spawn became the focus of the almost as brilliant Degrassi the Next Generation. Anyway, back to the rock and roll. Spike had to have been the only teen on 80's TV that walked imaginary school hallwayswith big hair that actually looked good AND rocked Smiths T-shirts WAY before it was cool to. For that reason alone she's deserves more respect.

Underappreciated Legends of Rock and Roll Vol 1.

2006-11-19T03:51:00.000-06:00

Straight out of Riverdale, she was the Keith Moon to Josie's Roger Daltrey, Melody Valentine(speaking voice by Jackie Joseph, singing voice by Cheryl Ladd) was the brilliant drummer of the Pussycats. This flaxen haired siren always had men salivating and following her every move with just one stroll down the street. Melody was a riot girrl before the term was coined and added WAY MORE sex than any pop singer of the day, because like most girl drummers she was hot. She was the one that made Mike Myers "horny on Saturday Morniny" in So I Married An Axe Murderer. I don't think any members of the Pussycats get nearly enough respect when it comes to . I bet PJ Harvey, Bjork and Kathleen Hanna would not have been rocking and spitting mad venom without the Pussycats. And please don't mention Tara Reid playing Melody in the film because frankly the original is always better.
Most importantly, the band's tunes were the most unstoppably catchy in cartoons this side of The Wayouts song on the Flintstones and we all know Melody is STILL a better drummer than Meg White. That fact alone makes her an unappreciated legend of rock.

In honor of tha fight

2006-11-19T02:58:00.000-06:00

I had a request to discuss boxing so I will.
Las Vegas has the WORST judging in fucking boxing. Nevada has the most powerful comission in the planet, yet they can't any judges other than the Three Blind Mice.(Giampa, Shirley and Moretti. And like the vowel Y, Jerry Roth also joins that crew sometimes.) Actually the scary part is they weren't even the worst judges of the evening. Ok Dave Moretti was bad as always. But Carol Castellano was TERRIBLE as always. She ALWAYS gets it wrong. And Adelaide Byrd did a terrible job scoring, which is a surprise because usually she's decent.
So after a night of terrible decisions that robbed Brian Viloria and Mike Arnaoutis of wins and titles, we came into the main event with fury at a high.
Morales came out first with the Mexican equvalent of the so called "rapper/hype man" entrance, but the song itself was much more subdued. Wrestler Rey Mysterio Jr. was there for the ring walk as was Morales' father who was back in his sons corner.
He looked fresh and in excellent shape. You could tell that he meant business as entered the absurdly quickly.

Pacquiao was in Bruce Lee shape and when he was hitting the pads to warm up it sounded like Joe Frazier era George Foreman was hitting them. His smile gone you could tell he was going to fuck shit up as his thunderous music hit.

Alright Buffer does his thing, crowd's at a fever pitch, Larry Merchant says one of his now bullshit one liners, and both men come out slightly tentative. For about 30 seconds. Both fighters look like they are trying to hurt each other with each shot. We get the occasional jab and measure, but mainly bombs. Early in the fight Pacquiao is hitting himwith some clean lefts, but Morales comes back with some astounding powerful flurries. Pacman isn't doing his typical awkward constant motion, he actually is sliding across the ring more and cutting off the ring. They trade at the end of the round and the crowd is going crazy because there just wasn't that much of a feeling out process.
Lederman has the round for Pacquiao. So do I.

In round two Morales comes out stronger. He's battering Pacquiao around. Landing good combinations, Pacquiao is slightly off balance and he's moving with his back to the ropes. Somehow Pacquiao takes one good punch side steps a combination and threw a POWERFUL left hand that reminded of Ali's description of his "Phantom Punch" in the second Liston fight.(This can be seen in When We Were Kings) Morales falls to a knee, giving Pacquiao a chance to tee off through the reast of the round and a three point lead through two rounds.

In round 3 Morales looks OK, winning the first minute and a half, but Pacquiao breaks out "Manila Ice"(His right cross) and stuns Morales leading to an EVEN WORSE left that sends him down. Morales IS hurt, but he gets up. The ref Vic Drakulich gives him a chance(rightfully) and Pacquiao is headhunting. He goes fast and furious for his combinations and lands three bad shots that sends Morales down for good. He could've gotten up, but there was no point. And with that combination his career essentially is over.

I'm sure it was absolute fucking bedlam in Gen. Santos City, because it was a sensational KO. Nobody had an early knockout pegged.(I picked Pacquiao to win again, but not by knockout.) But everyone was in shock, due to the brevity/excitement of the fight. And frankly it put me in a better mood after all those garbage decisions.

Yes more OC discussion

2006-11-18T03:21:00.000-06:00

"Call me after dark." Le tigre

Yes tha supa late OC report. Sandy needs peeps since they've written all the other dudes off the show. Even fucking Dr. Roberts? That is some bullshit. I thought he was a great addition and now he's gone. But, in the all Taylor Townsend/Sandy Cohen episode it was generally all good times. Since they are in that second tier of my fav characters(Anna is on her own tier as you know) it was fun to watch. They needed a good fun episode after three SERIOUS/DRAMATIC AS ALL HELL episodes, and it made me officially not miss Marissa Cooper. Did u know that the chick who plays Caitlyn Cooper is Brian Depalma's stepdaughter?(Note: the director of Scarface and my most hated film in years The Black Dahlia.) That makes her way cooler. I like Julie doing all the young dudes Mott The Hoople style again.
Che= dumb. Summer dissing "The Valley"=dumber.
Lest we not forget Taylor Townsend soon to be doing Ryan. That rules cuz she's a psycho AND hot. That is always an irresistable combination. She carried season 2
And now for Ian's most important question of the week, Where the fuck is Anna? I thought the whole point of the whole Anna/Seth and trying getting into art school thing required Anna going to Brown too. Am I the only one who thought this? Did I miss something on the prom episode? Maybe I'm just naive about these things. Alright lets not pretend, I miss seeing Samaire Armstrong on TV. But, cmon it makes sense from a writing standpoint. If you are going to constantly have to switch scenes to Rhode Island, why not bring her back because Che and hippies just ain't cutting it.
Man they never shoulda killed Johnny.(Yes that's an inflamatory statement I know.)

Rebelde update: Miguel collapses Monday, and forgets that he didn't fuck Sabrina.(So he can't tell Mia)

the Flash recommends: Degrassi Junior High Season 1. U know u want to relive Joey Jeremiah, Caitlyn, and Spike's triumphs and hardships in frigid Canada.

Tha 10 Best Of The Past 10

2006-11-12T02:42:00.000-06:00

In honor of Tzameti, the best film I've seen all year. I have decided to introduce the discussion of the 10 best films from Europe from the last decade.(96-06 that is). Only one per director allowed.
So in random order
1. Run Lola Run dir Tom Tykwer
Franka Potente speeds like an Opel in a fushia haze to save her man who owes some criminals mad cash. Loud, frenetic and absurdly addictive, it pulses like the techno that scores it. It's the only film I've seen at the movies in it's first run three times.

2. All About My Mother by Pedro Almodovar
It's the best Almodovar film of this decade, though not my favorite of his whole filmography. It's kind of a full circle work for him. There are trans, miracles, kitsch, drama, and one of his original stars. Loud, colorful, interesting, it's the typical Almodovar film.

3. El Crimen Ferpecto by Alex de la Iglesia
It reminds me of the British series Are You Being Served?, due to it's setting and screwball style. But, it's also way darker and beautiful to watch. Basically its about this brilliant/lecherous salesman who takes out his main rival only to end up in a relationship/fight with one of the ugly women he's ignored in his department. This movie is one of the funniest I've seen in many years, but I think you can say that about about every fucking de la Iglesia film.

4. Amelie by Jean Pierre Jeunet
Uh it's Amelie, you've probably seen it. But anyway it's that cute Audrey Tautou as an unorthadox/magical woman who decides to help people. And of course there is also romance. Everything just works in it. Style, Color, Dialogue, Characters, everything.

5. Irreversible by Gaspar Noe.
It's backwards(yes like Memento, but with a point.) ABSURDLY HARSH. See the caps, I mean it. Put it this way, It's hard for ME to watch it and I like harsh shit. Monica Bellucci is in a nice relationship, something AWFUL happens, revenge must be served. It's by far the hardest to watch/most interesting film of the decade.(Aside from possibly Noe's other film I Stand Alone.)

6.Russian Ark by Alexander Sokurov
It's all one shot. The whole movie. And that doesn't mean it's staring at a wall. It winds and works its way through the whole Hermitage and massive set pieces. The movie itself kinda plays out like The Divine Comedy by Dante with two men traveling through death? time? who knows.

7. Layer Cake by Matthew Vaughn
Tight, harsh, dark, sleek. Daniel Craig is Mr. Fucking X and he's a drug pusher who ends up in mad shit looking for a girl and trying get rid of stolen pills. It's all style and is a writer's wet dream with the immense amount of plot twists.(Think one every five minutes.)

8. Scarlet Diva by Asia Argento
Ok it's not pretty, but it's BY FAR the most interesting semi autobiographical ever. It's uncompromising, sometimes showing the actress/director in the worst light, hardcore sex, drugged. It's not really about anything, just "I'm an actress this is how I live, deal with it."

9. Trainspotting by Danny Boyle
Boyle is still one of the world's best. Shallow Grave made him big. Trainspotting made him bigger.(It also saved Primal Scream.) It's back when Ewan McGregor was cool and drugs were bad. Well this film made them bad. It's about Scottish junkies struggling with sex, drugs and money, but u knew that since every one has seen it.

10.Tzumeti by Gela Babulanov
The newest film that sparked the whole discussion. Georgian/Russian coproduction. It's very film noirish with it's black and white negative and long shadows. Has that Herzog esque style of placing the camera and letting people do stuff. It's about a young workman who intercepts a letter that leads him step by step into crazy money and a dark world.

So feel free comment, disagree. It's all good here.

THE OC DISCUSSION CONTINUES

2006-11-11T19:29:00.000-06:00

Alright before I go see the Slits(you know the band with Ari Up) I owe the OC report.
So after much confusion and no promos, The OC had a two night special.(which also led to a confusing comment from J Lee on myspace.) I thought they just did some weird we are skipping episode 2, which pissed me off as I tried to catch it So in my confusion I eventually had to torrent ep. 2.
Ryan is pissed off, brooding, and looking more and more like he's almost 30 in every episode. Julie is depressed and banging hot, sounds like THEY should get it on.(Oh wait Julie already fucked one of Marissa's old boyfriends. so they can't do that again.) But, wait Caitlyn has a problem. A shoplifting problem. Just like Marissa.(So maybe Ryan should just put Julie out of her misery.)
Caitlyn also has another problem. She's saddled with the two lamest characters in television since Will & Grace, Luke's twin brothers. I want all of the peeps to just think about the interesting characters pissed away by this program. Anna, Sadie, Trey, Ryan's mom, Lindsay, Zack, Luke, Alex, Alex's lesbian lover(Emanuelle Chiriqui is the actresses name, dont know the characters.), and of course Oliver. With characters like those you have infinitely more interesting things to build with. Here's the only reason I miss Mischa Barton, because there is no hope that Oliver can't come back and fucking terrorize her character.(His work on the OC made his slaugther and abuse in Chainsaw the Beginning all the more awesome.) We all know I want Anna as a regular, but they have had WAY more interesting characters on the show than the ones they almost seem to be stuck with. They should take a page from Rebelde(aka the Spanish OC) and keep the good new characters that they build as the show progresses and then balance them old ones you love. The best example of this is Cheers which only started to actually be good ONCE they added Woody. And then they added Frasier. And then you got Lillith. And so on.
Summer as hippie is interesting, but it's certainly hurting Rachel Bilson's position as the one who was carrying of show. Her good lines are gone, and now we can't even admire how good she looks in bright colors or her ample rack anymore. Official boo there.
And all this switching between OC and RI is annoying. They totally should've just done the cliched 90210, we all go to the same university storyline. At least, then characters could *gasp!* interact. Didn't Seth used to have good dialogue? Doesn't Taylor Townsend look hot on Stuff this month. Wasn't her character better in doses, rather than having to try and chew scenery in every tableaux.
Of course Sandy and Kirsten were both excellent, but the program is always better served when Sandy has some type of major storyline to participate in. But, that can
I'll admit the episodes were fun to watch, but then again so was OC season 2 at times.(Which we all know I try and forget in the OC storyline continuum.) I don't know why the show is limping so, but here's the answer... Bring back Anna. Ok not really, but it would keep me more interested.

Make way for the O-C

2006-11-02T23:25:00.000-06:00

Alright everyone knows it's my favorite time of the Season. It's OC TIME! YES! Now I didn't do that cheap Online shit, I waited till the actual airing. So now I comment. I won't bow to myspace getting more of my time, let alone Rupert Fucking Murdoch.
First things first, 7 words.
Taylor Townsend is an official cast member. Yes! That rules. She's hot and definitely has her moments. But wait, allow me to play my bitterness card. Samaire Armstrong aka Anna NEVER got on the main credits, even in her hey day.(Season 1.) To quote the Boondocks That's some bullshit. Autumn Reeser aka Taylor Townsend gets full cred? Samaire only got Guest Star credit.(Or gasp! Special Guest Star credit.) I'm sorry my bias as an Anna fan, scratch that the Original Anna fan, takes over sometimes. Taylor Townsend does rule. U know I love her, she carried Season 2, sometimes
Lets get to the main event.
It took balls for them to kill Mischa Barton and even though I wanted them to do it, they may really have fucked the show in the process. I don't know if the all doom and gloom edition of the OC is that great. Ryan as cage fighter? Ok, sure. I guess they couldn't do the 85th drug/depression story, so why not just have him fight MMA. Seth is humorous. Where was that powerful Sandy character we all know and love? He seemed a dash too meek, in this one. It's weird I thought he would do his patented get in the car Ryan, or we're not a family without u? But the comic thing, was a mite strange, only because it was a family attempt to reach him, instead of just a Seth/out of the ordinary thing. Caitlyn Cooper will be a gold mine for the OC, sheerly because the casting agents just KNOW she will grow from awkward phase to crazy hot one of these days. That's what they did with Mischa, and it will probably work again.
Lets discuss the person that I thought would have to carry the show now and that is Rachel Bilson aka Summer. We all know that I dissed out on her all the time, and have since repented for my terrible ways by forming a mini Rachel Bilson cheer squad. Did anyone notice that she seems to have lost weight? Am I wrong on this? Is it that she is just older now? 1.Her face seems way thinner and that is how I noticed. Her face fits those anime/doe eyes of her name and she looks better. But, her body is tiny? What happen to the boobs? What happened to the hips? And why is she starting look lik
Wasn't that the point of having an Anna/Summer contrast? One is buxom and can fill out a Wonder Woman costume, the other one is pixieish/petite. I'm curious to hear what my lovely female readers have to say, because I kinda miss the curvier Summer.(I am a guy, even though I'm typically the fan of an Anna type.) Anyway, I liked what they did with her at the end, it made up for the strange way they had her act. She was good as usual though.
I can't figure out if I liked the episode or not. I enjoyed seeing characters I like, but was it what I wanted? Yes, no, who knows? Maybe they'll just go with the big Roseanne, it was all a dream season, and end the show with Mischa being alive, and all being well.

Hey wait a minute, Dr. Roberts isn't even a official cast member, i checked the credits again. Hasn't he earned his spot?

In other news

hey Lady SOV is on Letterman, wow it really is over. First ChChing isn't on the new album, now she's performing like she's on downers. And lest we not forget being number 1 on TRL. Not Rap City, but TRL. Ouch. And now I'm done playing my elitist card for today.

I saw Renaissance today and it was interested. Les Bleus certainly make interesting cinema. It was totally style over substance. But it was really fun to watch, kinda like Night Watch that Russian vampire flick. It fits right in with tha French tradition of animation like Fantastic Planet and anything drawn by Moebius, so it's worth seeing on TV/downloading/renting/owning.

Borat tomorrow. I was sick to death of all that shit, but at least it's been two years since I've seen Ali G and all that stuff. So it's not so over, and it should be funny again.

In the soccer report,
AC Milan won. Celtic got bombed. Arsenal pissed it away. Didier Drogba kills Barca even more than Messi kills Chelsea.

Rebelde update:
I'll keep it short. Gaston DIED on the show this week leaving Lujan guardianless. Que Lastima.

The Flash recommends:
Mew-And The Glass handed Kites. Yeah it's pretentious. But it also sounds like fucking Slowdive. Beautiful pop tunes, but it's also complex. Soaring guitars, layered atmosphere, high blended vocals, sounds like a shoe gaze record. Special is definitely one of the best songs of the year. Oh yeah, and one of the best crap album covers of all times.

I'm doing it for the kids

2006-09-22T03:26:00.000-05:00

Alright since I barely ever blog it's time for the half year's top tunes. I'm doing random order, because that's like choosing which one of your kids you want killed. And it's a weird number, cuz that is how many I feel like mentioning.

1. Let's make love and listen to Death From Above by CSS.

They are Brazilian, hot, and tired of being of sexy. They also make a good rock and roll reference, that would make sex awfuly frantic.(I'm more of a Jazz chill out tunes for sex kinda guy.) But, that's beside the point. It's absurdly funky with strange english lyrics that cause an absurd amount of freak out dancing and spontaneous singing.

2. Smile by Lily Allen

Yes, she's priviliged, white, English, and the daughter of a famous comedian. So how is it possible she can do reggae songs? Or perhaps even put out the possibly R and B tune of the year? I don't know , but the song is fucking unstoppable in an Annie/Heartbeat kinda way.

3. Left Side Drive by Boards of Canada.

One. It's Boards Of Canada. Two. It sounds like Beautiful Place In the Country, Boards of Canada. Three. It's arguably better than anything on the last album. Four. Chillout reaches new heights.

4. Get Myself Into It by The Rapture

Wait is it 2002? No it's 06' and The Rapture is back. And they're actually good. It's no House of Jealous Lovers and it's got a video Jessica Simpson ripped off.(along with that Madonna beat she lifted.) Funky weirdness, singable chorus, nervous anxiety. Yeah, they are still the Rapture.

5. Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me by The Pipettes

Fun Scottish girl group, Phil Spector style, unstoppable song nuff said.

6. Shoot the Runner by Kasabian

The song we wished Primal Scream would have recorded this year. Kasabian has hit a that level of bands where they are not only invincible, but you just can't wait to hear what's coming next.(Even though this record is brand new. As I said before if Primal Scream doesn't want to be Primal Scream anymore, Kasabian can take their spot.

7. You Fucking Love It by Dirty Pretty Things
Rock at its essence from the other non fucked up Libertine(Carl Barat). It's sloppy, mean, frantic. It makes you cringe at how good the Libertines ACTUALLY were at times and makes you remember that it wasn't all Pete Doherty.

8. Boy From School by Hot Chip
Someone had to put out the 06' version of Juan Maclean's Give Me Every Little Thing. This one is pretty tough to stop from the loops to the bass. This almost makes up for that last album they put out.

9. Circle Square Triangle by Test Icicles
Yes, the band is dead. The song lives. What a fucking waster as the song says. Weird rhythm, pissed screams, knifing guitars. This band shoulda had all of Bloc Party's fandom time fucking ten.(And I like Bloc Party, that's not a shot at them.)

10. Slits Tradition by The Slits
It's the first Slits song in 20 years. Grime meets Ari Up and co's typical madness. Oh yeah and it's by the Slits.(That's reason enough ok.) It's also not really out, but just buy it when it does make it out.

11. Transparent Things by Fujiya and Miyagi.
Yeah pitchfork is right this album is pretty good, in it's weird neu meets aphex twin kinda way. This may or may not be a single, but I like the song.

12. Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

It's an old one, but it also has to be on here since the album is actually widely available. U already know about it, u don't need me to tell u about it.

13. Me and U by Cassie

I'm sorry. I know she can't sing live. I know the video is ripped off The Pleasure Principle by Janet Jackson. But, she IS hot. And the song is unstoppable. Cmon they ripped off Bananarama for it, it's genius.

14. Random by Lady Sovereign

Yeah it's from late last yearm but I'm giving it Ladytron status, in the sense that the song came out so late and is so brilliant that it should be on here. Grime lives. And so does the mini, less cute, harsher, version of MIA. Make way for the SOV.

15. Sofa Song by The Kooks
Really you need the vinyl equivalent of the first side of the whole album. This band reminds of Should Coco era Supergrass. This may be the best example of what they do. Maybe a little more stripped down, like Dodgy. Who knows, they are pretty great. This album SHOULD be out in the States, but it STILL isn't. But, download it or wait till October for it. Actually scratch that, I'd rather it stay in the UK, so I won't have to hear it on a WB/CW ad or the OC, unless it's on an Anna episode.(Yes I still like the OC, but they've ruined enough perfectly good bands. And yes I played my elitist card there, too bad.)

16. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor by The Arctic Monkeys
Sure they are over, but this song is still great.(Despite being older as well) Someone's gotta try and fill the Libertines void.(Of course maybe Babyshambles or Dirty Pretty Things would fill it better.)

17. Cry Till The Morning by Richard Ashcroft

Hey Dickie is back and he's DEPRESSED just like the salad days. It's as good as anything he's done post-Verve. Well sung, nice feel. Who woulda thought Ashcroft and Ian Brown(of Stone Roses fame) would be REALLY relevent in 2005 and 2006.

18. Kick Push by Lupe Fiasco

This feels like one of only 3 hip hop tunes I've heard right now that I like. I like that Tribe Called Quest style beat and Fiasco is pretty smooth.

That's enough feel free comment, disagree, call me out on something I forget or open yourself up to a "fuck that."

Holy shit

2006-08-08T03:46:00.001-05:00

Yes I'm due for a blog that tells u important stuff. Important fucking stuff.
In the name of rock and roll we discuss records first.
The Outlaw Gosey Wales wants me to tell u the best record this year is Asobi Seksu's Citrus. But he is WRONG. Maybe that's just cuz I am sick and fucking tired of swirling/Bloody Valentine esque guitars. They bore me to the point of vomiting on someone's lap, can't we just leave the swirling mass of sound to the Warlocks and Ulrich Schnauss and call it a day.
Anyway, everyone knows the best album of the year is coming out on Tues.(Well today, cuz its late as hell.) And that is Dirty Pretty Things. They are from the UK, and lead singer Carl Barat is best known as being non fucked up one from the Libertines.
Anyway, he basically grabbed two of the members from the old band(including Doherty's replacement) and formed a new band that makes remember not only how great that band was, but that it was Carl Barat who often made that first Libertines album so genius. It's rambunctious, vile, sloppy, all the things rock and roll should be. And single You Fucking Love It is the kind of brash declarations we all need.
Now the song of the year is EASILY Lets Make Love and Listen To Death From Above by CSS.(also known as Cansei De Ser Sexy) Its that same kind of post punk funkiness that we used to love from Out Hud(before they broke up) with the kind of sexiness that can only come from God's Country(aka Brazil). And besides who can go wrong with a good rock and roll reference.(I'm looking at you LCD Soundsystem/DFA).
Speaking of Death from Above(aka Death From Above 1979) they broke up. How sad. Which is the worse breakup, Out Hud, Test Icicles, or Death From Above? I'll say the Icicles cuz they coulda REALLY made interesting albums, but Out Hud makes me feel worse because I will miss their Expose/80's style vocals meets post punk. However, I guess they will live on in !!! form. Or at least some of the members will.

So Clerks II was good actually, but not as good as Strangers with Candy, which wasn't as good Talladega Nights. Wow I really hate myself for giving Will Ferrell a pass now. Anyway, Strangers With Candy had the BEST drug scene I've seen in like 10 years, it was absurdly great.

I went and saw Urgh: A Music War at the Drafthouse and it was truly amazing to see such early Echo and The Bunnymen footage, Devo at the height of their power, Klaus Nomi right before he became the first major personality befallen by AIDS, Gary Numan playing a kraftwerkian robot so grandiously, and almost as well as they did, and Gang of Four right before it all went wrong. Its worth tracking down the crappy VHS copy somewhere, it was at least as good as Decline of Western Civilization.

Rebelde update: FINALLY we have hit Rebelde Season 3. Roberta still dating Inaki, but she loves Diego who was kinda dating the much younger Lola and possibly Augustina. Diego is also hiding out from his father for some reason I can't discern. Vico is getting hit by her father for the 8th month in a row. Rocco still loves her, and is trying to help. Mia/Miguel broken up by Sabrina, the childcare worker. Its probably going to happen, but they are still together for now. Celina and Sol are feuding slightly over some typical petty Rebelde shit. Jose Lujan has a new man named Alex, while Teo is still with the absurdly hot Raquel. And of course they also still dig on each other. In IMPORTANT Rebelde news Nico has finally returned to find his wifey Lupe with Santos and she's confused about who she wants. Alma Rey and Franco fighting their way back Thin Lizzy style to each other. In REAL RBD news, they seem to fucking own America now, appearing on Geraldo and shite like that. Oh and an upcoming English album too.

We need a new countdown: how about the Borat movie countdown: 3 months or so.

The Flash recommends: The first Raincoats album. If u can find it, get it. Pay 20 bucks for it, since it's out of print. Download it. Rarely has post punk needed 4 girls, a violin and angular riffs so much.(Well Tuxedomoon had a pretty good violin, but Raincoats are still better.)

I say leave Keira Knightley alone.

2006-07-05T01:07:00.000-05:00

Anorexic? That's total fucking bullshit, attacking Keira like that. I swear the press needs to stop Shouldn't we just appreciate the sweetly pretty look Keira has. She is absurdly great looking by the way. Lest we not forget the harsh cursing yet prim and proper style. Didn't they fucking see Domino? That told u everything u needed to know about Double K. Oh wait she was nominated for an OSCAR last year. An Oscar. Like Dame Judi Dench, like Meryl Streep. They need to recognize her greatness. If the press wants to attack a skinny actress, might I suggest Lindsey Lohan. She's a stupid broad anyway, and has been in ZERO good films.(Alright, mean girls was ok. But only because of Lacey Chabert.)
Mu wanted Michael Jackson Alone. I'm saying leave Keira Knightley alone. Don't be mad that she's just better than u press peeps.

Assorted Garbage in the 128th edition of Pristineness

2006-07-03T00:01:00.000-05:00

IBM. IBM. IBM. NHK. NHK. NHK. U ARE ROBOT. U ARE ROBOT.- The Plastics

The New Warriors are dead and I'm still pissed off. Naruto rolls on in brilliance till 140 I hear.(I'm at like 112)

So the end of Cinema Frenzy. Satyricon was a little too hand servent sweaty male dependent for my tastes, but the look and colors were cool. But, I couldn't make it through it. Ms 45 shot every one with a penis, but alas it wasn't as cool as fucking Driller Killer which is a masterwork of trash and rock and roll.(making it absolute glory and deserving the classic Vikings Stand Up Award.) However, Aguirre Wrath of God is THE best Herzog film I've seen. Its maddening and historical. And Klaus Kinski goes CRAZEE like usual. Its an interesting time.

No I haven't been to the movies yet to Superman or other stuff, but I will try and do so in the next few days. "Holiday" notwithstanding. Tomorrow, I will be seeing the rock and roll puppet show of Quintron and Miss Pussycat. Now I've heard much about this spectacle and I'm sure it will be at least fun to watch, even if the tunes aren't so great.
Last time I went to see them, I actually MISSED them, because I was down the street catching Brassy(with Jon Spencer's younger just as ballsy sister). Brassy was great, but I missed Quintron to my disappointment. Of course, this disappointment went away when I caught the act of a drunken space wearing lad by the name of Bob Log III.(Yes he did boobscotch, in fact the song had just come out.)

Am I really the only person who likes Zatch Bell? I think I may be. Is Don Patch more Sun than Gangster? I still don't know. And why am I asking questions no one else cares about, Larry King style? Because I can.

Jessica Simpson divorced! que lastima! That is still not as depressing as Ashlee's nose job. Damn it, one of these Hollywood marriages has got to last.I'm betting on Tom and Katie. Her career is over anyway. She can now live out her own personal Scientologist housewife dream.(That sounds like a Boards of Canada song title.)

Rebelde update: I will try to watch it tomorrow, but soccer is on again Tues, so I will probably be out of the loop again till Thurs. So ask me then.

The Flash recommends: As much Knight Rider as possible. And then call me in the morning.(That means afternoon, all u early risers)

Clerks II countdown: What a few weeks, I think.

Is It really possible?

2006-07-01T02:59:00.000-05:00

That Astrud Gilberto is the best female singer ever. She very well might be. I'm taking arguments now.

Records are bombness

2006-07-01T00:58:00.000-05:00

I Know A Called Elsa, She's Into Alka Seltzer.- Oasis

Since there was such backlash on Britney, I'm talking about records today. Which usually seems to be a popular topic. And where are my outraged peeps on the Persuaders debacle?
Anyway on to the records.
The Cardigans have a new record out called Super Extra Gravity. Ok its been out for a couple of months, but we're talking imports 30 dollar range. So, its taken awhile to track down a copy on the cheap.(lets just call it on tha super aquisition cheap.)
And guess what it sounds just like Life, their 1995 masterwork. Ok actually it just sounds good when I type that. But it TOTALLY SOUNDS like their LAST ALBUM. Much to my disappointment. All I want is some good time pop songs from Nina Persson(sadly no longer blonde and brilliantly coiffed) and co. Like Sick and Tired. Sick and Fucking Tired was so genius in its arrangement and catchy chorus. While the band rocks out somewhat on this album to mixed results, nothing rocks as hard as their earlier cover of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath.(also from Life) But it ain't all doom and gloom ladies and gents, there are some moments. And if u like the band, u SHOULD have it. But IF u don't have ANY of their records, I swear Life is an album everybody should add to their endless collection of 45's.
Junior Senior best known for their Don't Stop The Beat madness from years ago.(U know the song, I promise. It was unstoppable.) Their new album Hey My Yo Yo, also in 20+$ import form(acquired on tha super cheap) came out a few months ago too. And it is kind of disappointing too. There are some weird almost Go-Team esque tunes, with handclaps and beats that don't really seem to be beats. Needless to say alot of the organized carnage of Gay/Straight Vocals mixed with 60's guitar and crashing drum machines has disappeared. Its strange its almost a Fannypack level fall off we are talking about, in the sense that they have literally taken away the facets that made them great.(In fannypack's case, it was making the rhymes abit too harsh, instead of playful.)
My man fucking man Richard Ashcroft has an album that came out in import form and frankly tha NME was RIGHT. Ashcroft officially the man again. Cry Till The Morning is as good as any tune he's done since Song For The Lovers, maybe even Velvet Morning or Monte Carlo. Why not nothing has horns, strings. If Ian Brown is the Resurrection, Ashcroft is Music.(Yeah I know no one got that one, but fuck it, it did mean something so I liked it).

The Flash has an old school recommendation: Lets go with something that smashes shit up. In honor of a friend of this blog, Gosey Wales and his ELO addicted blog, I recommend one of his jukebox faves. Television-Marquee Moon. Venus, my personal fave tune, is a strange esoteric musing written by head man Tom Verlaine all about NY when it was cool. The dueling guitars, that open tuning, u can't beat the brilliance of the whole album, let alone all 15 minutes of the title song.
As Gose would say, he wants to get the most out of his jukebox dollar so I'm putting on Marquee Moon.
I'm feeling jovial, here's one that is a bitch to find. The Modern Lovers-The Modern Lovers.
Jonathan Richman vs Hippie Johnny. Pablo Picasso not called an asshole, not like young. The way Richman sings these songs, u can tell he single handedly created that stoner vocal phrasing. Ok it was him and Iggy, but Richman deserves respect too.

Rebelde update: Roberta got Diego in trouble with his girlfriend by hiding her keys in her shirt. Which caused them to
I think Vico was beaten by her pa again. Rocco protected her from having to explain it to his father and the other peeps. Sabrina after Miguel. Mia back from Spain with Miguel. Lujan and Lupe were doing stuff, but I didn't pay attention and missed it. Look only one day was on this week, so that's what happened ok. No Teo. Giovann and Tomas did nothing as usual. Celina dissed Mia for Sol, abit. But, that's it.

What A Sell Out

2006-06-28T02:30:00.000-05:00

I actually find myself liking Belle and Sebastian. Well moments. My two-disc compilation should cover it. Still I'm a sell out for liking it, I know.

Cinema Frenzy!

2006-06-27T23:45:00.000-05:00

Streets Like A Jungle, So Call The Police.
Its Cinema Frenzy Day. I figured it was time to see some glory in both foreign and trash formats. Ms. 45. SCTV(the one where Dave Thomas does Richard Harris singing Macarthur Park 60's style.) and also got some crazed Herzog action, as if Abel Ferarra isn't fucked enough. However what I am most intrigued to see in the next few days, is Psych Out with Jack Nicholson and Max Julien(aka Goldie from the Mack). Oh and Al from Quantum Leap plays a hippie as well. And its all soundtracked by Strawberry Alarm Clock, well at least that one song they played every time on that Groovin compilation commercial on TV.
So they are making The Persuaders with my main man Steve Coogan.(of Tristam Shandy or for tha rockers 24 hr party people.) He's playing Roger Moore's Lord Sinclair, which is only funny because Rob Brydon kept making that joke in Tristam Shandy about Coogan ripping off Roger Moore's acting style. That is ok.
However it really is all doom and gloom ladies and gents, because BEN STILLER is playing Danny Wilde aka Tony Curtis.
What? That is stupider than Britney's interview. Stiller now officially gets off the pass list he got for Zoolander.
Actually scratch that. When he did that the Grungies sketch with Odenkirk and Andy Dick, I think that has earned him an eternal pass. So forget it, the movie will still be crap.
Me the Paris Hilton fan, hates the new song by the way. Its not a 1/16th as good as the Mu song about her.
Futureheads played ok, sonic youth ok. Sonic Youth was the classic case of just being too old. They just don't hunger for carnage or fame as much, anymore. They are just comfortable, and their peeps will support them no matter. Credit them on this, but it makes for less than exciting listening sometimes. Their heyday was like 15 years ago at least, so I guess they played like their age.
And if we are talking 80's NY bands, its Pussy Galore all the way.(Download the records ok, u can't really buy them as often anymore.)
Futureheads need more players and more toughness. They need more sneer less pop. That and Gang Of Four's Andy Gill producing or on guitar.
Yes I really spent 50 bucks on an album. Its a new high. But it was the Ultimate Collection of Yellow Magic Orchestra. Double Disc from Japan. As hard as it is finding Pussy Galore albums, its even worse trying to find YMO. They're the Japanese Kraftwerk, by the way. Their tunes are genius, it was worth it. Now if anyone sees a copy of Plastics-Welcome Back, let me know.

No more blogging tonight, must write more Flash Carnage, it is more important u know.

Rebelde update: Uh I keep missing it, due to soccer moving it to weird times. But, not much seems to be happening from what I heard in passing.

The Flash recommends: Betting on the Argentines in the World Cup.

Clerks II about a month, I think.

Stereolab is good for composing, so I had old school ones and new ones, to keep the calmness high. So that's what I listened too.

U Can Never Look Away From Trainwrecks.

2006-06-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm the one that switched up the drum, I'm bossy. Kelis

I told Beath I would discuss the Britney interview, which I flipped to during the Mavs.
A year or more for another album? I can't wait till her version of History Vol 1 comes out because Britney is THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON. Not the good Michael Jackson. Post Bad era. Actually the way she looks, lets say Post Dangerous era. She's endangered kids, just like Jacko, too.(Ok not quite in the same way)
She hates Madonna now. So much for the Like A Prayer style comeback.(Not to say that era of Madonna didn't suck. See Theorem of Madonna for more on that.)
She's a housewife and cleans. Like Mark Summers after Double Dare, all she does is clean.
She wants the paparazzi, to LEAVE HER ALONE. I can't wait for the video where she rides in a theme park rocket past pictures of Liz Taylor and the Elephant Man. She might as well remake that too, after butchering Bobby Brown and Joan Jett. Speaking of Bobby, she makes Whitney look like Alessandra Ambrosio now, by the way.
Here's the deal if u have kids, u can't be a fantasy because you are now SOMEBODY'S MOM. Gone are any possible runaway rampages of sex and debauchery, because your kids need cookies and juice. Or help tying their shoes. Unlike Trick Daddy I don't love tha kidz. I mean it kinda ruined Shannon Sossamon, for me. That whole kids thing. I liked it better when she was in 40 days and 40 nights. Arty and dark and HOT. It was all good fucking times, but then came the kids. And the glory just faded.
Well that's a half truth. Just as Shannon is hot again, going against the Britney interview and the game, was Nelly Furtado on Fox. Uh she's had kids and is a pop star. And oh yeah, she's CRAZY hot again. Like I'm Like A Fuckin Bird Hot again.(Just Dirtier.) I want her on my team and so does everybody else. She even came back from that total crap 2nd album. How is it possible Britney is in this state, when her expats Xtina is fucking hot again and no longer crazy? Mandy is successful as an actress(lets not mention the past 3 records.) And Jessica is bigger than all of them.(In career and boobs of course. Despite Xtina's boob job making it close.) I can't believe that the broad who did two excellent sexual videos(baby one more time, and I'm a slave) is now officially the younger blonder Michael Jackson. Timberlake is officially the smartest man in America for leaving that sinking ship. Official Boos and catcalls earned.
Now some might say, weren't u supposed to smashing stuff up on this blog? Why talk about a pop star? 1.Cuz its crazy how she was so famous and now she's Stacey Q, Lola Heatherton and Jacko all combined. 2. Because I can. 3. I'm being rock and roll later on by seeing Front Line Assembly.(In all their industrial glory) So Fuck It.

The Flash recommends: Not watching the Youtube version of this interview. It will depress u.(Especially u Beath)

Rebelde update: RBD is still on tour in the US, so I guess u could go see them at an arena, since they are off tv still.(And the show is off in Mexico.)

Clerks II countdown: Its gotta be what 3 weeks or so.

Feel free and join me for why Marvel's Civil War is cool but also has the 2nd STUPIDEST THING IVE HEARD THIS WEEK. And how Echo and The Bunnymen sound playing My Rescue Live. Oh yeah and the SOV.

The First Entry

2006-06-15T02:45:00.000-05:00

Yes I will do a real blog tomorrow. After soccer, and Pho. But thanks for joining me here on the new shit.