The Trans On Cheshire Bridge Were Way More Interesting...

“Do It Good Good Good Good Good Double Double Good Double Double Good.” -Happy Mondays

So dudes, Transformers. If this movie doesn’t save the American auto industry nothing will. I mean it worked perfectly for them. A whole generation of kids got to see GMCs, wait scratch that, THE WHOLE LINE OF GMC PRODUCTS save the planet. If I recall the old days, Jazz(my fav autobot) was a Porsche and Bumblebee was a VW, but not now, kids. Transformers is all “America, Fuck Yeah” with its “We’re American cars look at us save the world. Don’t we look good?”
Of course they forgot the fine print about how they’ll look once you hit mile 10000, let alone mile 5000. You know what would’ve made the ad/movie cooler than a two-minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera? Another two minute shot of a brand new Camaro pulling up to a full stop right in front of the camera with a Bob Seger song playing.(Please trust me on this I am a professional.)
Ok so now lets actually discuss the movie. First, it’s mind-numbingly bad like that version of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus recorded by Marilyn Manson. How did that dude from Even Stevens(Shia Lebouf) become the 07’ version of Ralph Macchio? Does this mean he’ll get to remake the movie where Macchio is a blues guitarist and is forced to endure listening to/outplay Steve Vai? I certainly hope so. Anyway he’s ok in it. He puts in a gallant effort to try and make the film better. Megan Fox, who is all hot abs and blue eyes as usual, makes me ask wonder why she wastes her gifts on Brian Austin Green? I mean couldn’t she at least do Luke Perry(who’s on the comeback trail being evil on John From Cincinnati). She looks great, despite not having that much to do. Tyrese has strangely moved from the guy who sang the hell out of “Why You Gotta Act Like That,” to best actor in Four Brothers and Transformers.(And while he was a major role in Annapolis, we all know that was Jordana Brewster’s show). Josh Duhamel totally needs to send Michael Biehn royalty checks for plagiarizing his performance as Hicks in Aliens.
Hey isn’t that Angelina Jolie’s dad aka tha Midnight Cowboy making an appearance that obviously says “I’m doing this for a new car.(GMC of course)”? John Turturro is in it as well and you can tell he wants us to totally remember he was in good in Barton Fink and Do The Right Thing.(And every fucking Coen Bros movie ever.)
Can someone explain why Michael Bay HAS to have a slow motion shot of someone running with a flare in EVERY movie? (No, I’m not a Bay hater. I liked The Rock AND Bad Boys II, thank you very much.)
And for the last question, Why the hell did they not use Marky Mark's Boogie Nights rendition of The Touch?(since the original was in the equally longwinded/crap Transformers movie.)
So the plot is arguably the best Herbie Love Bug movie since Herbie Goes To Montecarlo and it was by far the best Herbie film I've seen without Don Knotts. And I guess it should have been the best movie in the series, since it was a 60 million dollar version of Herbie, culminating it's first act in a triumphant scene where new Bumblebee bitch slaps the old bug version of Bumblebee. Then the movie turns into the more convoluted version of Die Hard 07’s plot of tekno-paranoia. And then FINALLY after 2 HRS of boringness you finally get the robots smashing shit up the way you’ve been waiting for. And while the special effects=bombness, I was so bored, the climax really didn’t matter to me. I think my hope is that Japan will grab these effects(similar to how they grabbed the automobile from GM and Ford and made it waaaaaaay better) and do one of their brilliant giant robot operas in Tohoscope and it will fucking own Transformer’s bitch ass.

And yes I know by supporting this film I have helped Hollywood decide it will be a good idea to make Silverhawks:The Movie. Damn it. They better put Samaire Armstrong in it for fucks sake.

I recommend: A good stylish B movie with convoluted plot/brilliant special effects. Go see Day Watch. Russian Vampires. Father/Son and Good/Evil struggle. Wacky Russianness I didn’t understand. It was way better than fucking Transformers.

Scott Baio is 45 and single countdown-12 days